Thursday, January 10, 2013
Hi again. I'm back, I think, I hope. The last year has been a nightmare for me. But I'm not sure what to say about all that. It's not an excuse for my weight...there's no excuse for that really...I know why I'm where I'm at. But there have been rumblings inside me lately. I've started to do the right things again, and remember why I did them to begin with.
I've realized that a couple of things went wrong for me here on Spark last time and I want to try to avoid those things this go round. The biggest one I think is that I became overwhelmed with the responsibility to others. By that I mean that I felt that I needed to respond to every comment, every blog, every challenge post, etc. I got burnt out and didn't have balance. So this time, I'll try to remember that I am here for me. I blog for me and ultimately I read and respond to other blogs FOR ME! Another is that many of the people with whom I had gotten close were having issues and struggling with a lot. Again, I became overwhelmed by not being able to "fix" things for others and shut down. This time I'm trying to be mindful that it's not my job to fix you, nor is it your job to fix me. (See what a good distraction it was for me to be a "good friend"...I wasn't working on me...what a sneaky disease I have!) The last one was that I got caught up with having to "have something to say" or have something positive to contribute. I was going through a pretty dark period emotionally and wasn't able to admit it or to process it here. One of my long-term struggles is clinical depression and this has been my pattern. I just shut off my life. I can't do this any more. Shutting down, disengaging, disappearing...all it has done is make me miserable and sick.
So...it's a new day. I want to start Spark like a newbie...with new goals, new energy and new hopes. I've put in my actual weight - 270...(and I'm not going to feel sorry for myself that it's 8 pounds from where I first started my journey in 2006...because it just doesn't matter...it's where I'm at right now.)
I'll be changing my pics and my other things to represent what's actually happening in the present. I'm working on being accepting and loving of who I am where I am in this present moment.
I appreciate all of your support and I want to support you on your Spark journey, but please understand, I'll be taking it slowly and working on moderation and balance.
Thank you to everyone who has never given up on me. I'm back and I'm ready to kick some butt!