What's Eating me?
Thursday, January 10, 2013
I've been binging all day. Chips, too many protein bars, some popcorn. My stomach is tight and I'm still contemplating eating.
This is emotional. I'm not hungry.
I miss my soulmate. It's been 9+ months since he passed. Some days I feel like I'm losing my mind. Today was one of those days. My car battery failed, and I had to put it all together to get my car repaired. I use to have my sweetheart here to do those things.
It occurred to me that I miss his demeanor. Just the quietness that we shared. We could be together without uttering a word. We were content. He was my home, and I was his.
Songs. While at the store. "On My Own" came on. I literally felt like wailing in the middle of the store. I didn't want the attention, so I held it together. Instead, I walked around in a daze. Shopping mindlessly.
The lyrics go like this. "On my own. This wasn't how it was suppose to be. I never thought I'd be alone...all by myself." It was painful. Just painful.
I found a CD of his that he'd made. It was Marvin Gaye's old songs. I listened to the CD hoping I could throw it away if it were damaged. It wasn't. There were songs on that CD that brought back memories of us riding in the car together. Just singing along. Happy. I can't throw the CD away and I can't bear to listen to it.
I just knew we'd grow old together. He's gone now. I have to navigate this life alone. It makes me sad. It makes me anxious. I don't know what my future holds. I feel like I'm just standing still.
I have to make a decision in 5 months. I don't know what I'm going to do. Not knowing the "answer" makes me feel anxious.