Today is lucky day 13 of my current streak!
Last night I had a huge argument with hubby. We're both under stress now, and last night it just blew up. We both said some things that we shouldn't have said, and we regret them. The argument didn't last long, and we apologized before we went to bed. But some of the things he said really hurt me. Long after he was sound asleep and snoring, I was laying there awake, hearing his words over and over.
He used the F word...he called me fat.
Although I've been working hard since last March and have lost 71 lbs, I am still fat. I know when people look at me, they still see a fat woman. They don't see all the changes I've made in my llifestyle. They don't see how committed I am to working out and eating right. They just see my current body size, and thats ok. I'm not losing the weight and getting healthy in order to impress anyone. Not even my hubby. I'm doing this for ME, because I want to look better and feel better.
But hubby knows how hard I work. He sees me every day, doing my workouts, preparing my food and turning down the junk food that he eats. He sees the progress I've made...going from size 3X t shirts to size L. He's fully aware that I have changed my lifestyle for the better, and he knows all about my dreams for the future, when I am finally at my goal size. And he knows how much it hurts me to be called fat. Yet during our argument, thats exactly what he called me. Not just once, but several times. I wanted to cry, but I refused to give in to tears.
So after he was asleep, the argument and the F word played over and over in my head. And I started to think "What is there in the kitchen that I can eat?" Although most of the food I buy at the grocery store is healthy stuff, there ARE a few treats for my hubby and son. There's a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream. There are some Little Debbie cakes, and some chips. I laid there in bed, listening to hubby snore, and I kept thinking of that food, and of how comforting it would be to just go ahead and binge.
But thats the old me, the one who used food to bury my emotions. The old me who would binge, and then feel nothing but shame and remorse.
I'm not that person anymore, and I don't ever want to go back to being that person. So I didn't binge. I thought about making a cup of of tea, but to be honest I just didn't even trust myself to go into the kitchen! So instead of having a cup of tea, I took a bubble bath and read a few chapters of my book. And then I went back to bed.
This morning, I woke up still feeling hurt by hubby's words, but mostly I just felt proud of myself for staying strong and on track. Actually, hubby is the one who woke up with feelings of regret. He's ashamed of himself for calling me fat. But I forgive him. He's always been my biggest supporter, and he's been there for me through thick and thin...literally! So he and I are just fine. And I am so happy that I didn't give in to a binge last night!