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    PIXIE-LICIOUS   128,091
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The F Word

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Thursday, January 10, 2013




Today is lucky day 13 of my current streak! emoticon

Last night I had a huge argument with hubby. We're both under stress now, and last night it just blew up. We both said some things that we shouldn't have said, and we regret them. The argument didn't last long, and we apologized before we went to bed. But some of the things he said really hurt me. Long after he was sound asleep and snoring, I was laying there awake, hearing his words over and over.

He used the F word...he called me fat.

Although I've been working hard since last March and have lost 71 lbs, I am still fat. I know when people look at me, they still see a fat woman. They don't see all the changes I've made in my llifestyle. They don't see how committed I am to working out and eating right. They just see my current body size, and thats ok. I'm not losing the weight and getting healthy in order to impress anyone. Not even my hubby. I'm doing this for ME, because I want to look better and feel better.

But hubby knows how hard I work. He sees me every day, doing my workouts, preparing my food and turning down the junk food that he eats. He sees the progress I've made...going from size 3X t shirts to size L. He's fully aware that I have changed my lifestyle for the better, and he knows all about my dreams for the future, when I am finally at my goal size. And he knows how much it hurts me to be called fat. Yet during our argument, thats exactly what he called me. Not just once, but several times. I wanted to cry, but I refused to give in to tears.

So after he was asleep, the argument and the F word played over and over in my head. And I started to think "What is there in the kitchen that I can eat?" Although most of the food I buy at the grocery store is healthy stuff, there ARE a few treats for my hubby and son. There's a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream. There are some Little Debbie cakes, and some chips. I laid there in bed, listening to hubby snore, and I kept thinking of that food, and of how comforting it would be to just go ahead and binge.

But thats the old me, the one who used food to bury my emotions. The old me who would binge, and then feel nothing but shame and remorse.



I'm not that person anymore, and I don't ever want to go back to being that person. So I didn't binge. I thought about making a cup of of tea, but to be honest I just didn't even trust myself to go into the kitchen! So instead of having a cup of tea, I took a bubble bath and read a few chapters of my book. And then I went back to bed.

This morning, I woke up still feeling hurt by hubby's words, but mostly I just felt proud of myself for staying strong and on track. Actually, hubby is the one who woke up with feelings of regret. He's ashamed of himself for calling me fat. But I forgive him. He's always been my biggest supporter, and he's been there for me through thick and thin...literally! So he and I are just fine. And I am so happy that I didn't give in to a binge last night!


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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOWINELADY 1/10/2013 9:07PM

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I know how much words can hurt. You did a great job remembering all your hard work.

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NADINEL 1/10/2013 9:01PM

    The problem with saying things in the heat of an argument is you can never un-say them.
I am glad you were able to forgive each other.
I am so, so proud of you for not giving in. That's a real problem area for me. Being upset and eating...stuffing down my feelings!
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BARBARAROSE54 1/10/2013 8:57PM

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KARENM7194 1/10/2013 8:57PM

  I just started "spark" today. I've tried every diet possible. The weight I gained is a result mainly of quitting smoking so I dropped one habit for another. I loved your blog and I've decided to subscribe to it because of your determination and truthfulness. Keep up the good work! Hope to get to know you better in this journey.
P.S. Love the shoes emoticon

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THOMS1 1/10/2013 8:26PM

    We say things in anger sometimes that hurt the ones we love but, you are strong enough now to forgive and hopefully forget. I am so proud of you for taking that bubble bath and not raiding the kitchen. emoticon

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CTMOM2KIDS 1/10/2013 8:24PM

    I am so sorry for your hurt, Pixie, but so proud of you for winning the battle and not binging. I know he apologized and was very remorseful but I am not so sure I would have been as magnanimous. You are a good woman and you are doing an amazing job!

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CVRONEK 1/10/2013 8:05PM

    Proud of you Pixie! Great job! Thank you for posting this, too. It helps us all. emoticon

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GOSPARK45 1/10/2013 7:47PM

    I'm very proud of you Pixie! That really took a lot of soul searching to realize that you don't want to go back there ever again, even when feeling so hurt. You know your husband is just taking out his stress on you. But KNowing doesn't make it hurt any less. Hang in there. Tomorrow can only be brighter. Hope it gets better soon.
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TERMITEMOM 1/10/2013 7:19PM

    WOW Pixie! How tremendous You have become so strong! I am so proud of you. You are such a role model... Thank you for showing us we can do it!

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LAINIESNEWLIFE 1/10/2013 7:15PM

    I'm so proud of you for not giving in and eating the junk food. So sorry you had the fight with your hubby. Take care!!

Hugs,

Lainie

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TEDYBEAR2838 1/10/2013 6:38PM

    I'm so glad you didn't go on a food binge either.

I do think, when the 2 of you are calm, that you need to
sit down and talk calmly. Maybe a few time outs.

It might help to let him know that you are truly sorry
and give him a chance to vent also.

Wishing you both LOVE

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MANDELOVICH 1/10/2013 6:34PM

    Hi Pixie,

That sounds like one awful night and I felt really sad reading your blog, imagining you in that pain. But I'm so proud of you for not going into the kitchen and finding another way to soothe yourself that was so nourishing. That is a huge NSV! I'm really inspired by your story as I've been doing nothing but binging since my husband's diagnosis...

Good for you and so glad you and your DH are now OK!

xx

Julie

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TRAILBLAZER6 1/10/2013 6:33PM

    Sounds like you followed the words of the song:

"Look inside you and be strong,
And then a HERO comes along."

Good job, HERO! Stay strong and committed to your hubby and yourself. emoticon

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MONANW 1/10/2013 6:27PM

    Words can cut like a knife,. But you didn't let that deflate your hard work. What an accomplishment! You are such an insperation! emoticon

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ELLIE381 1/10/2013 6:25PM

    Oh Pixie I am sooooo proud of you. emoticon
My arms are around you giving you a emoticon
You ARE so strong. emoticon

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JAI_COVEY 1/10/2013 6:16PM

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I'm proud that you were able to stay strong! It's hard to not give into your old habits I used to use food to hide my emotions as well. Thanks for letting me know that I am not alone!

Glad you guys made up.

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MICKEYH 1/10/2013 5:39PM

    Thank you for sharing this heart felt blog. Sometime life is tough and from the build up stress you said the things you really meaning to said.. So I don't think this incident was either of you guys fault. So please, don't heart your self anymore. Fat is a just a world and you have won to this F world. be cause last night, you did not give into the F word and give into the foods.
So now acknowledged you won the battle and move on. I am so proud of you. Thanks for teaching me that, you must separate yourself from "Old me to New me". And being strong!!

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BRENDABUNNY 1/10/2013 5:35PM

    I don't know if the "F"word is even acceptable when fighting but you stood strong and that's what matters..I'm proud of you Pixie..BIG emoticon emoticon

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POINDEXTRA 1/10/2013 5:34PM

    Wow - it sounds like you two have a really good marriage. And even though hubby crossed that line, you know now that you have the personal fortitude to withstand it and not crumble. Hooray! From your other posts, he seems to be one of your biggest fans, so you two crank up the love and help each other over this rough spot. Hugs to you both!

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SEATTLE58 1/10/2013 5:29PM

    Oh Sweets, that would be so hard to take and you overcame all those temptations out there during your trial going on inside you. I'm so proud of you!! Have you ever wondered why the carrot sticks and the celery don't yell our name all the time! No, it's the chips and the ice cream and the Debbie Cakes, etc., etc. For me, and I think for most of it, it's a matter of re-conditioning our minds to think more healthy. They say to have hard boiled eggs on hand. Well, that could possibly work. We all know that there are other options out there, it's just a matter of thinking of them or keeping them handy. A friend here on SP told me that she keeps an insulated lunch pak around for those tempting times. Healthy 90 cal. granola bars, individual pkts. of 100 cal. chips, etc. I've tried it and didn't remember it like I should, but I'm going to start to use it again and instill it into my day. The insulated part is for when we're on the road, with our water, cheese sticks, fruit, etc. Thanks for a good reminder of planning ahead. It really does make sense. And, just remember that it's those hard times with our spouse that can bring us closer together, if it's to be, and it sounds like you two are meant for just that! emoticon to you ,Karen

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX12 1/10/2013 5:21PM

    Aside from the fight. Think about what you are saying. You are calling a size large fat. Wow! You aren't really fat anymore. You may not be where you want to be but a large is not fat. Another NSV really if you think about it. The words were meant to hurt because they spoke to that place inside of you that still feels fat. Not to the reality of the new healthier you. emoticon

Way to go staying out of the kitchen. That took some major will power and self control. One more step in showing yourself how strong you really are. emoticon emoticon

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WEEPINGANGEL74 1/10/2013 5:07PM

    A very tough test to endure but you passed it. Well done!!!

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WEEPINGANGEL74 1/10/2013 5:06PM

    A very tough test to endure but you passed it. Well done!!!

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SEEINGCLEARLY53 1/10/2013 4:51PM

    As I was reading this I was saying ,,wow,,,,she is me or I am her,,,,,could so relate,,,,,,WE have just to remember food is a quick fix,,,,that doesnt last that leads to more guilt,,,thank you,,,,great blog! emoticon

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HEALTHY4ME 1/10/2013 4:46PM

    OH WOW first off love the last picture. I am so going to use that.
and as for hubby calling you fat, that is cos he knew right where to hit to get you the worst, things we seem to do when angry at another person. Human nature hit em where it will hurt the most. I am so glad he woke up feeling bad about it and not just shrugging it off.
and OWOWOWOWOOW AWESOME to not go eat, and you know that is what I used to do too. He would say something about me on another diet, yea that lasted 2 days or how long will you do this.... I would say JUST YOU WAIT and then get mad and go eat. DUH!!!!!

So thank you for taking care of you, and thank you for the great quote to put up and remind myself with.
HUGS and hope things are okay, you have a lot of stress and it is natural that it will come out sometimes. emoticon

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SWEET-CHEEKS 1/10/2013 4:41PM

    my ex-husband used to call me fat. Not cool.

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YOBETHIE 1/10/2013 4:32PM

    That is a great testimony! I have been giving in all to often - what you did took alot of willpower! Thanks so much for sharing.

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RESCUELADY99 1/10/2013 4:20PM

  Glad you guys are doing okay now. Sometime I know in my life things are said just to push that button that you know is there. Its wrong and its hurtful but it happens. I am pround of you for not giving in to the kitchen callings. Not sure if I could have been that strong. Heck I know I could not have so good for you. Keep up the good work!!

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123ELAINE456 1/10/2013 3:57PM

  I agree with the other comments made. You are a Very Strong Woman and should Be Very Proud of Yourself. I'm so very Proud of You. You are very Inspirational and Motovate Everyone on their Journeys. You are a Beautiful Women and Don't Ever Ferget It. Sit down with Your Husband and be Honest and Tell Him How You Feel. I would advise the next time the Both Of You Get Into It and It Gets Out Of Control Walk Away til things Cool Down. That Way Things will not be said to Hurt Each Other. You are Not Fat!!! You and I are on the Heavy Side Right Now. Congratulations on Your Streak Too. God Bless You and Family. Have a Super Marvelous Day. Take Care Of Yourself. We are Here For You. Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!

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MS0669 1/10/2013 3:42PM

    So glad to hear that all is well with you and your husband, sometimes they just don't think, ya know ! But that is so awesome for just opting for the book and bath, good for you ! emoticon

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MATTEROFHEART 1/10/2013 3:41PM

    So sorry you had to go through this, but so proud of you for staying strong!

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WACFIT 1/10/2013 3:40PM

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You are an inspiration to so many!
Good on you for resisting those old temptations!

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GBSLIM 1/10/2013 3:37PM

    I'm so very proud of you Pixie. emoticon emoticon
I'm sorry the powers that be deemed fit to throw some pretty nasty pot holes in your road, but you just pulled out your awesomeness and navigated right thru excellently.
A little damage was incurred and I'm really sorry but happy for you that it's being fixed.
LOVE THE NEW YOU NOW!
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ANDREA0301 1/10/2013 3:35PM

    You did good! Keep up the great work!

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FERFEY02 1/10/2013 3:29PM

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OVERACTIVEELBOW 1/10/2013 3:26PM

    I am proud of you....
You talked yourself through a bad patch.
Good for you !!!
Audra

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TULIPVIC 1/10/2013 3:25PM

    You really showed your strength in every way! I should be so strong in times like this, but I just crumble and limp away like a hurt puppy! So proud of you!!
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CHARTHESTAR 1/10/2013 3:08PM

    Good for you!

I have slipped some the last few days and I am not very happy with myself.

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on keeping true to your goal~

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SHANTODD420 1/10/2013 3:07PM

    Way to go on not giving in pixie. You are a strong and beautiful woman no matter what. He will come around and know he was wrong. I am so proud of you for not turing to food good job.

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KITT52 1/10/2013 3:03PM

    Fat is just a word and it can hold a lot of hurt if we let it.....how many times have you called your self fat....like me about a million or more times....

when we get angry we tend to go right for that sore spot.....I think I would talk to DH and express the hurt you feel, get those feelings out, shed those tears.....you deserve to let him know just how you are feeling, this will never mend unless you can be open and honest....you are no longer angry with him, but lets be honest words hurt worse that blows.......

Pixie know we love you no matter what you weigh...and so does your DH.....
I do believe if we can get out feeling out , we get stronger and closer....

HUGS

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HOLLYM48 1/10/2013 2:58PM

    Good job for not giving in. I would recommend that you and your husband have a serious talk though and take words off the table regardless of how angry each of you have become. Words that are spoken in anger are just as hurtful after the fight is over. It is a learned behavior so both of you have to stick to your guns when it comes to words that absolutely cannot be used! It is ok to argue, it is not ok to use words that one knows will hurt the person we love the most. I probably have more of a temper than my husband and over the years we have both come to see that it is best to walk away for awhile than say something we know we are going to regret!
I am sure your husband spoke out of anger so take it with a grain of salt and keep pushing for yourself! You are awesome, you are beautiful and you can do this! emoticon

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JUNEAU2010 1/10/2013 2:53PM

    You won! Not the argument with him, but the struggle with the old you! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DONNA5281 1/10/2013 2:50PM

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DALID414 1/10/2013 2:49PM

    My first reaction: emoticon
I'm so glad you stayed out of the kitchen, good girl!

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FEB_SHOWERS16 1/10/2013 2:43PM

    Just WOW!!! I am incredibly proud of you and the way you handled that situation! I know for a fact that I would not/ could not have been that strong! You are my hero!!!
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_BABE_ 1/10/2013 2:43PM

    In the heat of the moment lots of things can happen but kudos to you for staying on the straight and narrow. Isn't it amazing how something like that can trigger an old response and make you reach for food..it's scary that it might be a challenge for life.

I think the more victories you have under your belt the easier it gets because of the triumph of beating what used to beat you!! emoticon

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DAWN14163 1/10/2013 2:42PM

    You have to be one of the strongest women I know! Every blog you write inspires me. I can imagine how much that word hurt - and I guess your hubby feels pretty dreadful as he must know too. You know that comment you wrote on my page, about choices taking you one step nearer or one step further away from your goal? Well you stepped the right way! Stick at it Pixie, you are my Superwoman!

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ADELE66 1/10/2013 2:39PM

    Well done, well done, well done! It's at those horrible, sad times when temptation to binge is so great - but it's also the biggest achievement when you don't turn to food for comfort.

I think when we get into heated arguments with our loved ones we can all be guilty of saying the thing that we know will hurt the other person the most - regardless of whether it is true or not - hence his use of the F word.

Great job!

x

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MARYBETH4884 1/10/2013 2:39PM

    Those who love us most know what buttons to push to hurt the most when angry. Your husband in the heat of the argument push the F button. But you did not give into it! You held strong against all your inner negativity and succeeded! He knew what he did and that's why he regretted it in the morning! You are doing this for you and proved it last night! Yay!

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IMJUSTFLUFFY 1/10/2013 2:35PM

    Wow...that is impressive restaint! I got into some fudge I found last night & had 3 bites before putting it down & told hubby he could have the rest! That was hard!
But if he said that to me I don't know what I would do! I might still be eating junk!
Bless your heart! Ewes Not Fat........Ewes Just Fluffy!
I'm sending you all the best wishes for continued success!
Hugs R

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