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PIXIE-LICIOUS
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The F Word

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Thursday, January 10, 2013




Today is lucky day 13 of my current streak! emoticon

Last night I had a huge argument with hubby. We're both under stress now, and last night it just blew up. We both said some things that we shouldn't have said, and we regret them. The argument didn't last long, and we apologized before we went to bed. But some of the things he said really hurt me. Long after he was sound asleep and snoring, I was laying there awake, hearing his words over and over.

He used the F word...he called me fat.

Although I've been working hard since last March and have lost 71 lbs, I am still fat. I know when people look at me, they still see a fat woman. They don't see all the changes I've made in my llifestyle. They don't see how committed I am to working out and eating right. They just see my current body size, and thats ok. I'm not losing the weight and getting healthy in order to impress anyone. Not even my hubby. I'm doing this for ME, because I want to look better and feel better.

But hubby knows how hard I work. He sees me every day, doing my workouts, preparing my food and turning down the junk food that he eats. He sees the progress I've made...going from size 3X t shirts to size L. He's fully aware that I have changed my lifestyle for the better, and he knows all about my dreams for the future, when I am finally at my goal size. And he knows how much it hurts me to be called fat. Yet during our argument, thats exactly what he called me. Not just once, but several times. I wanted to cry, but I refused to give in to tears.

So after he was asleep, the argument and the F word played over and over in my head. And I started to think "What is there in the kitchen that I can eat?" Although most of the food I buy at the grocery store is healthy stuff, there ARE a few treats for my hubby and son. There's a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream. There are some Little Debbie cakes, and some chips. I laid there in bed, listening to hubby snore, and I kept thinking of that food, and of how comforting it would be to just go ahead and binge.

But thats the old me, the one who used food to bury my emotions. The old me who would binge, and then feel nothing but shame and remorse.



I'm not that person anymore, and I don't ever want to go back to being that person. So I didn't binge. I thought about making a cup of of tea, but to be honest I just didn't even trust myself to go into the kitchen! So instead of having a cup of tea, I took a bubble bath and read a few chapters of my book. And then I went back to bed.

This morning, I woke up still feeling hurt by hubby's words, but mostly I just felt proud of myself for staying strong and on track. Actually, hubby is the one who woke up with feelings of regret. He's ashamed of himself for calling me fat. But I forgive him. He's always been my biggest supporter, and he's been there for me through thick and thin...literally! So he and I are just fine. And I am so happy that I didn't give in to a binge last night!


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • v SANDYCRANE
    You are so strong Pixie, you are always turning something bad into a positive. You are FABULOUS.

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    1326 days ago
  • v CFMOSS
    Working through those hurtful words is harder than anything I know because the words stay painful; congratulations on working through the night positively because you are worth it - you have done an awesome job and you are continuing to do an awesome job. I hope you read the comments today because hopefully they will keep you going and going and going in a healthy you direction.
    1326 days ago
  • v SLIMLEAF
    You are a STAR!

    Well done!
    1326 days ago
  • v CAM2438
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    1326 days ago
  • v OFGREENGABLES
    good job avoiding the triggers - and, like others have said - talk to your hubby if you haven't already
    1326 days ago
  • v LIFETIMER54
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    1326 days ago
  • v IRISHGIRL3
    I'm so sorry you had the fight with hubby :( And using words sometimes hurt worse than anything else can. But WOW. You're strong - I think everyone knows the pain/anguish/stress when you lay at light replaying the fight in your head (I do that). You were able to stay STRONG and not give in to your old habits to cope. No matter how hurt you were at the time, you wouldn't let words ruin your work. I'm not there yet (I'm not married but I've had bad days at work that when replayed have led me off track, and it's only a job) but I continue to work at it and hope to be there soon.

    And I'm glad everything worked out with your hubby and let you know. He sounds like he's a great supporter of yours and even supporters have weak moments, just like us on our journey. But he, like us, realized what he did was wrong and got right back on track.

    I'm also glad that you could see through the words and know it was "fighting words" - not that he's not supportive of you .

    Thank you for sharing
    1326 days ago
  • v LYNNWILK2
    YEAH YOU!!! for having successfully transitioned into healthy food choices! That is wonderful.
    I am sorry about the argument you had and your hurt feelings. Those that are closest to us know how to push the real "Power" buttons to hurt us the most. I hope you are able to express to him that that isn't fair or right. No matter the tension.
    Good luck to you and Congratulations on how far you've come on your journey and sticking to your guns!
    1326 days ago
  • v MIKKI7771
    Good Morning my friend,
    First off, congrats going from a 3X to a L. I was a 2X and now a L so I know the amazing feeling it is. You say that people still see you as a fat woman. Then you are hanging with the wrong people and need to find more positive people in your life. My highest was 300lbs. When I went in for my bariatric surgery back in 2011 I was between 265-270lbs. I am currently now down to 209 and everyone that knows me, has noticed the change. I will say, I did have to "trim the fat" when it came to people in my life. If you weren't a positive influence, I needed to disconnect with you and I did. Some were friends for many, many years but as they got older, the more negative they became. Everything that went wrong in their life was everone elses fault and not their own. And if someone they knew did a good thing, like me losing weight, they found something negative about it. That is when I said.."Bye-Bye".
    Now the difference between my hubby and yours is that 2 weeks before my bariatric surgery, he had has done. So it's great we are working together getting healthy. I have one friend who started Weight Watchers over 2 years ago and she was 307lbs. Her hubby, at the time, was wearing a 4XXL and gave her a hard time and called her fat despise all the work she was doing. I remember telling her, he is just jealous because you are doing so well and he want to but doesn't think it's cool. I also said, if it keeps up that he is non supportive, disrespectful or degrading to you, you have some decisions to make. Last year she got down to 186lbs and I am so proud of her. But what I am even happier about is that her hubby got on the WW board and now they exercise together, do my family activites together and so forth.
    Now I know you said that you kept thinking about what he called you and that he slept just fine while you didn't. Yet when he woke he was sorry and now all is good. And I hope next time he watches his tongue. Below is a little poem I found on Facebook. Maybe, you can copy it on your word document and just tape it on the fridge without saying a word. It's the most common door used so I am sure both your hubby and son will see it and read it. Here it is:

    STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES, BUT WORDS CAN ALSO HURT ME.
    STICKS AND STONES BREAK ONLY SKIN, WHILE WORDS ARE GHOSTS THAT HAUNT ME.
    PAIN FROM WORDS HAS LEFT ITS SCAR ON MIND AND HEART THAT'S TENDER.
    CUTS AND BRUISES NOW HAVE HEALED, IT'S WORDS THAT I REMEMBER.

    Don't ever give up and I am here too as a positive influence if you want to be friends. Good luck and God bless.

    1326 days ago
  • v ENLIGHTENED7
    The thing about using harsh words is that they remain said. My children are adults now, but if someone asked them to state the ONE thing that stayed with them that they learned from their mother, I am certain that they both would say this:

    "Be careful how you use harsh words. Harsh words wear tall boots and you can't call them back."

    That said, you are certainly an inspiration to us all for choosing appropriate activities to deal with your angst---rather than bingeing and beating yourself up as we all too often do. Well done!
    1326 days ago
  • v STRUMERCAT
    Way to go on staying in control! It's sad that when you truly love someone, you always know the exact thing to say that would cut to the heart and hurt them the most. Keep at it. It's all worth fighting for. Start doing one or two of the plans you have for when you meet goal right now. Don't wait!
    1326 days ago
  • v SKIRNIR
    Great job on avoiding that binge. Your husband should know by now that that is something he can never ever call you. Bad that he did that, but hope it never ever happens again.
    1326 days ago
  • v SPARKLISE
    emoticon So awesome! emoticon
    1326 days ago
  • v LRSILVER
    Good for you. Words can cut like a knife. Glad you can overcome bad habits.
    1326 days ago
  • v JUNETTA2002
    Good for you.
    1326 days ago
  • v PENOWOK
    I am SOOOO proud of you!! That would have been an especially tough one but you were so smart, not even going into the kitchen!! Good for you! Hubby needs to learn to argue with "I" phrases instead of such hurtful words. My DH likes to comment on what I am eating...even when he is eating the same or worse...not helpful. You did very well!!
    1326 days ago
  • v COURTNEYANNEMT
    Great decision making skills. Perhaps when people look at you they are wondering how you are doing so well with the weight loss. I know I am!
    1326 days ago
  • v SPARKPLUG53
    you are an inspiration. keep up the great work. I think I'll start a streak today.

    emoticon
    1326 days ago
  • v TERIPSU94
    Great job in making good choices, however, your husband actually called you fat? Wow, real nice guy. Very supportive. Good luck with that.
    1326 days ago
  • v SUSANK16
    Congratulations on your victories. Plural because you managed two in my mind you did not binge and you did not allow someone else control of your destiny. It is important to me to read this today as I have been struggling in the last few weeks to get into control of my destiny again. Thank you for your assistance with that. If you can do it so can I and reading your blog has helped me put my problem into perspective.
    1326 days ago
  • v TRYINGHARD54
    your strong...... hugsssss
    1326 days ago
  • v DIXIECAP79
    I have been in the exact same spot. Congratulations for staying strong! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1326 days ago
  • v RICHHUDSON
    Amazingly well done. You have demonstrated the new you in an amazing way... Fantastic!
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    1326 days ago
  • v MRE1956
    emoticon that you didn't break down in tears! Would that MORE gals do so!
    1326 days ago
  • v SARASMILING
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    1326 days ago
  • v KELLYPAQ
    Wow! That was really inspiring. I've been struggling with the food lately and your blog really makes me think. I love the motivational picture at the top. I'm going to write that down and place it by my desk. Hugs to you.
    1326 days ago
  • v EVER-HOPEFUL
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    1326 days ago
  • v KRISUA
    I am also one of those that suggest you should bring that incident out at an apppropriate moment to your hubby. Even I feel a bit hurt by his words! When I think of my own husband, I don't think he woyld ever do so but you'll never know. So I think it's essential you'd tell him one day...

    As of the rest... I'm in awe! You can say, you are no longer a victim of your own habits, hallelujah to that!
    1327 days ago
  • v ANNE007
    Wow, what a fabulous post! You should be very proud of yourself! When I read that your husband called you fat, I felt bad, also. For you and for me! And I neither one of us is fat. It's just one of those words designed to stop you in your tracks and hurt you, and of course it did.

    People close to us know how to hit our buttons, and your DH knew that would hurt. I agree with other posters-you did a wonderful job getting through a very difficult situation but it's not over until you sit down and talk to your DH about why he felt the need to hit you below the belt. Maybe you already know, but I think if two people are going to spend their lives together it's very important to learn how to fight fairly, and your DH was not fighting fair. (maybe he's concerned about you sticking around because you're doing so well and becoming so hot? There are many posts this particular phenomenon)

    Stay the course...you're doing a great job!


    1327 days ago
  • v HEALTHYSLIM2
    This has got to be one of my favorite spark blogs EVER!! It was so great to read your words of triumph! "mostly I just felt proud of myself for staying strong and on track."
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    Here's to continued success in all you do! You are transforming your body and your life one step at a time. Designing it to be the way YOU dream it. Keep up the awesome work!
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    1327 days ago
  • v BLUEKITTYJAN
    Look how strong you are. Your hubby was striking out using something that he knew would hurt you. I hope you have talked to him about how he made you feel. I would question him if he ever says it again. emoticon
    1327 days ago
  • v LOLABLACK69
    Congrats on having enough character not to binge! emoticon emoticon I sort of failed yesterday. But I'm glad to see that other people also struggle and come out on top in these kind of situations. That inspires me to keep on fighting! Maybe next time I'll be able to fight off the temptation.
    1327 days ago
  • v ONBEACHSIDE
    You handled the situation with class. It is good you did something good for your body and soul (bath and book) rather than reverting to the "old" you.

    You should be VERY PLEASED WITH THE ACTIONS YOU TOOK! I hope your husband actually apologized for using the f word. Sometime when you both are relaxed and in good moods, let him know that using the f word is a stab at your heart and ask him even in the heat of argument to please refrain from throwing that word in your face. In return, you might want to ask if during arguments if you ever throw something continually in his face. If he says you do, tell him you will try with all your might to refrain from those words and see if he will refrain from calling you the f word.

    You are a very impressive woman, keep up the good work and attitude.
    1327 days ago
  • v BENTOGYRL
    Awesome

    1327 days ago
  • v PHOENIX1949
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    1327 days ago
  • v DRB13_1
    Wow, totally honest and absolutely necessary - you ARE the NEW you. The outside will continue to adjust to the inner person. So proud (and impressed) that you have found the key to not resorting to comfort foods but doing other things that really are more in tune with your underlying needs. That is MAJOR - I applaud you! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    By sharing this blog, you have helped more people than you can ever imagine.
    1327 days ago
  • v NEWMOM20121
    Sorry about the argument, but GOOD for you. You stuck to your plan.

    There are times I go to bed so I do not eat.

    Awesome job, you should be proud of your strength.
    1327 days ago
  • v GOSPELCLOWN
    If I could click the I LIKE THIS BLOG button more than once, I would.
    You are getting healthy, he is not and I think that comes out every once in a while. Could there be some jealousy? Just a bit?

    Eating never solved anything and the "comfort" is shallow, isn't it?

    I LOVE your first saying with the kettle bell.

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    1327 days ago
  • v BEAUTY_WITHIN
    MAJOR HUGS. Both for the hurt - I can only imagine how much that must have hurt - and for the resolve to go do something not food related. I've had days when I don't trust myself in the kitchen either.
    1327 days ago
  • v SPARKFRAN514
    i think its its emoticon that you did not give in and eat something I remember as kids we often said sticks and stones can break my bone but name cam never hurt . how wrong that statement is again emoticon
    on not giving in and snacking on something not very Sparky.
    1327 days ago
  • v PINKNFITCARLA
    Yay for you for resisting those temptations! So glad your argument is over and you all made up :-) Great job with the distractions you did to keep you out of the kitchen!
    1327 days ago
  • v H20-LADY
    You should be proud of yourself Pixie. You have changed so much and have traveled a tough road. Last night you stayed true to yourself and that is so important to put yourself first.
    A great distraction taking that bath, and reading. You are a beautiful person. You have your whole life ahead of you emoticon emoticon
    1327 days ago
  • v MELISSAKAY78
    The new you, that sounds good doesn't? you know that you are now, a new and approved version of your former self. Keep up the hard work.
    1327 days ago
  • v KARENLEIGH32
    Great! So sorry your test had to be so painful, but you past the test. You are the NEW you!
    1327 days ago
  • v TAFODIL24
    YOU are amazing!! emoticon
    1327 days ago
  • v SUSIEMT
    I am so proud of you for taking the high road. You proved you were strong! I know how that f word must have hurt! Especially having it keep going through your mind when you so desperately need your rest. I know it is none of my business what the argument was about but is it possible that he is starting to get nervous about the new you and leaving him behind so to speak. Just saying.. Keep up the good work pixie! You are so worth it.
    1327 days ago
  • v GARDENSFORLIFE
    emoticon You did good!

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    1327 days ago
  • v COTTONTAIL62
    Pixie, you are one AMAZING WOMAN !
    1327 days ago
  • v BECCAZEN7
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    1327 days ago
  • v COCK-ROBIN
    I'm sorry for your hurt as well. And I'm glad you didn't bury it in food.
    1327 days ago
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