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    PIXIE-LICIOUS   132,846
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The F Word

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Thursday, January 10, 2013




Today is lucky day 13 of my current streak! emoticon

Last night I had a huge argument with hubby. We're both under stress now, and last night it just blew up. We both said some things that we shouldn't have said, and we regret them. The argument didn't last long, and we apologized before we went to bed. But some of the things he said really hurt me. Long after he was sound asleep and snoring, I was laying there awake, hearing his words over and over.

He used the F word...he called me fat.

Although I've been working hard since last March and have lost 71 lbs, I am still fat. I know when people look at me, they still see a fat woman. They don't see all the changes I've made in my llifestyle. They don't see how committed I am to working out and eating right. They just see my current body size, and thats ok. I'm not losing the weight and getting healthy in order to impress anyone. Not even my hubby. I'm doing this for ME, because I want to look better and feel better.

But hubby knows how hard I work. He sees me every day, doing my workouts, preparing my food and turning down the junk food that he eats. He sees the progress I've made...going from size 3X t shirts to size L. He's fully aware that I have changed my lifestyle for the better, and he knows all about my dreams for the future, when I am finally at my goal size. And he knows how much it hurts me to be called fat. Yet during our argument, thats exactly what he called me. Not just once, but several times. I wanted to cry, but I refused to give in to tears.

So after he was asleep, the argument and the F word played over and over in my head. And I started to think "What is there in the kitchen that I can eat?" Although most of the food I buy at the grocery store is healthy stuff, there ARE a few treats for my hubby and son. There's a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream. There are some Little Debbie cakes, and some chips. I laid there in bed, listening to hubby snore, and I kept thinking of that food, and of how comforting it would be to just go ahead and binge.

But thats the old me, the one who used food to bury my emotions. The old me who would binge, and then feel nothing but shame and remorse.



I'm not that person anymore, and I don't ever want to go back to being that person. So I didn't binge. I thought about making a cup of of tea, but to be honest I just didn't even trust myself to go into the kitchen! So instead of having a cup of tea, I took a bubble bath and read a few chapters of my book. And then I went back to bed.

This morning, I woke up still feeling hurt by hubby's words, but mostly I just felt proud of myself for staying strong and on track. Actually, hubby is the one who woke up with feelings of regret. He's ashamed of himself for calling me fat. But I forgive him. He's always been my biggest supporter, and he's been there for me through thick and thin...literally! So he and I are just fine. And I am so happy that I didn't give in to a binge last night!


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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SANDYCRANE 1/11/2013 7:20AM

    You are so strong Pixie, you are always turning something bad into a positive. You are FABULOUS.

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CFMOSS 1/11/2013 7:16AM

    Working through those hurtful words is harder than anything I know because the words stay painful; congratulations on working through the night positively because you are worth it - you have done an awesome job and you are continuing to do an awesome job. I hope you read the comments today because hopefully they will keep you going and going and going in a healthy you direction.

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SLIMLEAF 1/11/2013 7:15AM

    You are a STAR!

Well done!

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CAM2438 1/11/2013 7:14AM

    emoticon emoticon

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OFGREENGABLES 1/11/2013 7:13AM

    good job avoiding the triggers - and, like others have said - talk to your hubby if you haven't already

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LIFETIMER54 1/11/2013 7:11AM

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IRISHGIRL3 1/11/2013 7:10AM

    I'm so sorry you had the fight with hubby :( And using words sometimes hurt worse than anything else can. But WOW. You're strong - I think everyone knows the pain/anguish/stress when you lay at light replaying the fight in your head (I do that). You were able to stay STRONG and not give in to your old habits to cope. No matter how hurt you were at the time, you wouldn't let words ruin your work. I'm not there yet (I'm not married but I've had bad days at work that when replayed have led me off track, and it's only a job) but I continue to work at it and hope to be there soon.

And I'm glad everything worked out with your hubby and let you know. He sounds like he's a great supporter of yours and even supporters have weak moments, just like us on our journey. But he, like us, realized what he did was wrong and got right back on track.

I'm also glad that you could see through the words and know it was "fighting words" - not that he's not supportive of you .

Thank you for sharing

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LYNNWILK2 1/11/2013 7:05AM

    YEAH YOU!!! for having successfully transitioned into healthy food choices! That is wonderful.
I am sorry about the argument you had and your hurt feelings. Those that are closest to us know how to push the real "Power" buttons to hurt us the most. I hope you are able to express to him that that isn't fair or right. No matter the tension.
Good luck to you and Congratulations on how far you've come on your journey and sticking to your guns!

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MIKKI7771 1/11/2013 7:05AM

    Good Morning my friend,
First off, congrats going from a 3X to a L. I was a 2X and now a L so I know the amazing feeling it is. You say that people still see you as a fat woman. Then you are hanging with the wrong people and need to find more positive people in your life. My highest was 300lbs. When I went in for my bariatric surgery back in 2011 I was between 265-270lbs. I am currently now down to 209 and everyone that knows me, has noticed the change. I will say, I did have to "trim the fat" when it came to people in my life. If you weren't a positive influence, I needed to disconnect with you and I did. Some were friends for many, many years but as they got older, the more negative they became. Everything that went wrong in their life was everone elses fault and not their own. And if someone they knew did a good thing, like me losing weight, they found something negative about it. That is when I said.."Bye-Bye".
Now the difference between my hubby and yours is that 2 weeks before my bariatric surgery, he had has done. So it's great we are working together getting healthy. I have one friend who started Weight Watchers over 2 years ago and she was 307lbs. Her hubby, at the time, was wearing a 4XXL and gave her a hard time and called her fat despise all the work she was doing. I remember telling her, he is just jealous because you are doing so well and he want to but doesn't think it's cool. I also said, if it keeps up that he is non supportive, disrespectful or degrading to you, you have some decisions to make. Last year she got down to 186lbs and I am so proud of her. But what I am even happier about is that her hubby got on the WW board and now they exercise together, do my family activites together and so forth.
Now I know you said that you kept thinking about what he called you and that he slept just fine while you didn't. Yet when he woke he was sorry and now all is good. And I hope next time he watches his tongue. Below is a little poem I found on Facebook. Maybe, you can copy it on your word document and just tape it on the fridge without saying a word. It's the most common door used so I am sure both your hubby and son will see it and read it. Here it is:

STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES, BUT WORDS CAN ALSO HURT ME.
STICKS AND STONES BREAK ONLY SKIN, WHILE WORDS ARE GHOSTS THAT HAUNT ME.
PAIN FROM WORDS HAS LEFT ITS SCAR ON MIND AND HEART THAT'S TENDER.
CUTS AND BRUISES NOW HAVE HEALED, IT'S WORDS THAT I REMEMBER.

Don't ever give up and I am here too as a positive influence if you want to be friends. Good luck and God bless.


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ENLIGHTENED7 1/11/2013 7:01AM

  The thing about using harsh words is that they remain said. My children are adults now, but if someone asked them to state the ONE thing that stayed with them that they learned from their mother, I am certain that they both would say this:

"Be careful how you use harsh words. Harsh words wear tall boots and you can't call them back."

That said, you are certainly an inspiration to us all for choosing appropriate activities to deal with your angst---rather than bingeing and beating yourself up as we all too often do. Well done!

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STRUMERCAT 1/11/2013 7:01AM

    Way to go on staying in control! It's sad that when you truly love someone, you always know the exact thing to say that would cut to the heart and hurt them the most. Keep at it. It's all worth fighting for. Start doing one or two of the plans you have for when you meet goal right now. Don't wait!

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SKIRNIR 1/11/2013 6:54AM

    Great job on avoiding that binge. Your husband should know by now that that is something he can never ever call you. Bad that he did that, but hope it never ever happens again.

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SPARKLISE 1/11/2013 6:50AM

    emoticon So awesome! emoticon

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LRSILVER 1/11/2013 6:48AM

    Good for you. Words can cut like a knife. Glad you can overcome bad habits.

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JUNETTA2002 1/11/2013 6:44AM

    Good for you.

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PENOWOK 1/11/2013 6:32AM

    I am SOOOO proud of you!! That would have been an especially tough one but you were so smart, not even going into the kitchen!! Good for you! Hubby needs to learn to argue with "I" phrases instead of such hurtful words. My DH likes to comment on what I am eating...even when he is eating the same or worse...not helpful. You did very well!!

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COURTNEYANNEMT 1/11/2013 6:31AM

  Great decision making skills. Perhaps when people look at you they are wondering how you are doing so well with the weight loss. I know I am!

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SPARKPLUG53 1/11/2013 6:19AM

    you are an inspiration. keep up the great work. I think I'll start a streak today.

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TERIPSU94 1/11/2013 5:55AM

  Great job in making good choices, however, your husband actually called you fat? Wow, real nice guy. Very supportive. Good luck with that.

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SUSANK16 1/11/2013 5:48AM

  Congratulations on your victories. Plural because you managed two in my mind you did not binge and you did not allow someone else control of your destiny. It is important to me to read this today as I have been struggling in the last few weeks to get into control of my destiny again. Thank you for your assistance with that. If you can do it so can I and reading your blog has helped me put my problem into perspective.

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TRYINGHARD54 1/11/2013 5:42AM

    your strong...... hugsssss

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DIXIECAP79 1/11/2013 5:37AM

    I have been in the exact same spot. Congratulations for staying strong! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RICHHUDSON 1/11/2013 5:16AM

    Amazingly well done. You have demonstrated the new you in an amazing way... Fantastic!
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MRE1956 1/11/2013 5:12AM

    emoticon that you didn't break down in tears! Would that MORE gals do so!

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SARASMILING 1/11/2013 5:09AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KELLYPAQ 1/11/2013 5:09AM

    Wow! That was really inspiring. I've been struggling with the food lately and your blog really makes me think. I love the motivational picture at the top. I'm going to write that down and place it by my desk. Hugs to you.

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EVER-HOPEFUL 1/11/2013 4:53AM

    emoticon

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KRISUA 1/11/2013 4:12AM

    I am also one of those that suggest you should bring that incident out at an apppropriate moment to your hubby. Even I feel a bit hurt by his words! When I think of my own husband, I don't think he woyld ever do so but you'll never know. So I think it's essential you'd tell him one day...

As of the rest... I'm in awe! You can say, you are no longer a victim of your own habits, hallelujah to that!

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ANNE007 1/11/2013 4:07AM

    Wow, what a fabulous post! You should be very proud of yourself! When I read that your husband called you fat, I felt bad, also. For you and for me! And I neither one of us is fat. It's just one of those words designed to stop you in your tracks and hurt you, and of course it did.

People close to us know how to hit our buttons, and your DH knew that would hurt. I agree with other posters-you did a wonderful job getting through a very difficult situation but it's not over until you sit down and talk to your DH about why he felt the need to hit you below the belt. Maybe you already know, but I think if two people are going to spend their lives together it's very important to learn how to fight fairly, and your DH was not fighting fair. (maybe he's concerned about you sticking around because you're doing so well and becoming so hot? There are many posts this particular phenomenon)

Stay the course...you're doing a great job!



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HEALTHYSLIM2 1/11/2013 3:42AM

    This has got to be one of my favorite spark blogs EVER!! It was so great to read your words of triumph! "mostly I just felt proud of myself for staying strong and on track."
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Here's to continued success in all you do! You are transforming your body and your life one step at a time. Designing it to be the way YOU dream it. Keep up the awesome work!
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BLUEKITTYJAN 1/11/2013 2:33AM

    Look how strong you are. Your hubby was striking out using something that he knew would hurt you. I hope you have talked to him about how he made you feel. I would question him if he ever says it again. emoticon

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LOLABLACK69 1/11/2013 2:29AM

    Congrats on having enough character not to binge! emoticon emoticon I sort of failed yesterday. But I'm glad to see that other people also struggle and come out on top in these kind of situations. That inspires me to keep on fighting! Maybe next time I'll be able to fight off the temptation.

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ONBEACHSIDE 1/11/2013 2:28AM

    You handled the situation with class. It is good you did something good for your body and soul (bath and book) rather than reverting to the "old" you.

You should be VERY PLEASED WITH THE ACTIONS YOU TOOK! I hope your husband actually apologized for using the f word. Sometime when you both are relaxed and in good moods, let him know that using the f word is a stab at your heart and ask him even in the heat of argument to please refrain from throwing that word in your face. In return, you might want to ask if during arguments if you ever throw something continually in his face. If he says you do, tell him you will try with all your might to refrain from those words and see if he will refrain from calling you the f word.

You are a very impressive woman, keep up the good work and attitude.

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BENTOGYRL 1/11/2013 2:02AM

    Awesome


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PHOENIX1949 1/11/2013 12:45AM

    emoticon emoticon

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DRB13_1 1/11/2013 12:15AM

    Wow, totally honest and absolutely necessary - you ARE the NEW you. The outside will continue to adjust to the inner person. So proud (and impressed) that you have found the key to not resorting to comfort foods but doing other things that really are more in tune with your underlying needs. That is MAJOR - I applaud you! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

By sharing this blog, you have helped more people than you can ever imagine.

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NEWMOM20121 1/10/2013 11:52PM

    Sorry about the argument, but GOOD for you. You stuck to your plan.

There are times I go to bed so I do not eat.

Awesome job, you should be proud of your strength.

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GOSPELCLOWN 1/10/2013 11:41PM

    If I could click the I LIKE THIS BLOG button more than once, I would.
You are getting healthy, he is not and I think that comes out every once in a while. Could there be some jealousy? Just a bit?

Eating never solved anything and the "comfort" is shallow, isn't it?

I LOVE your first saying with the kettle bell.

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BEAUTY_WITHIN 1/10/2013 11:37PM

    MAJOR HUGS. Both for the hurt - I can only imagine how much that must have hurt - and for the resolve to go do something not food related. I've had days when I don't trust myself in the kitchen either.

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SPARKFRAN514 1/10/2013 11:35PM

    i think its its emoticon that you did not give in and eat something I remember as kids we often said sticks and stones can break my bone but name cam never hurt . how wrong that statement is again emoticon
on not giving in and snacking on something not very Sparky.

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PINKNFITCARLA 1/10/2013 11:33PM

    Yay for you for resisting those temptations! So glad your argument is over and you all made up :-) Great job with the distractions you did to keep you out of the kitchen!

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H20-LADY 1/10/2013 10:16PM

    You should be proud of yourself Pixie. You have changed so much and have traveled a tough road. Last night you stayed true to yourself and that is so important to put yourself first.
A great distraction taking that bath, and reading. You are a beautiful person. You have your whole life ahead of you emoticon emoticon

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MELISSAKAY78 1/10/2013 9:50PM

    The new you, that sounds good doesn't? you know that you are now, a new and approved version of your former self. Keep up the hard work.

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KARENLEIGH32 1/10/2013 9:47PM

    Great! So sorry your test had to be so painful, but you past the test. You are the NEW you!

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TAFODIL24 1/10/2013 9:36PM

    YOU are amazing!! emoticon

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SUSIEMT 1/10/2013 9:21PM

    I am so proud of you for taking the high road. You proved you were strong! I know how that f word must have hurt! Especially having it keep going through your mind when you so desperately need your rest. I know it is none of my business what the argument was about but is it possible that he is starting to get nervous about the new you and leaving him behind so to speak. Just saying.. Keep up the good work pixie! You are so worth it.

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GARDENSFORLIFE 1/10/2013 9:16PM

    emoticon You did good!

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COTTONTAIL62 1/10/2013 9:12PM

    Pixie, you are one AMAZING WOMAN !

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BECCAZEN7 1/10/2013 9:09PM

    emoticon emoticon

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COCK-ROBIN 1/10/2013 9:08PM

    I'm sorry for your hurt as well. And I'm glad you didn't bury it in food.

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