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The F Word

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Thursday, January 10, 2013

Today is lucky day 13 of my current streak! emoticon

Last night I had a huge argument with hubby. We're both under stress now, and last night it just blew up. We both said some things that we shouldn't have said, and we regret them. The argument didn't last long, and we apologized before we went to bed. But some of the things he said really hurt me. Long after he was sound asleep and snoring, I was laying there awake, hearing his words over and over.

He used the F word...he called me fat.

Although I've been working hard since last March and have lost 71 lbs, I am still fat. I know when people look at me, they still see a fat woman. They don't see all the changes I've made in my llifestyle. They don't see how committed I am to working out and eating right. They just see my current body size, and thats ok. I'm not losing the weight and getting healthy in order to impress anyone. Not even my hubby. I'm doing this for ME, because I want to look better and feel better.

But hubby knows how hard I work. He sees me every day, doing my workouts, preparing my food and turning down the junk food that he eats. He sees the progress I've made...going from size 3X t shirts to size L. He's fully aware that I have changed my lifestyle for the better, and he knows all about my dreams for the future, when I am finally at my goal size. And he knows how much it hurts me to be called fat. Yet during our argument, thats exactly what he called me. Not just once, but several times. I wanted to cry, but I refused to give in to tears.

So after he was asleep, the argument and the F word played over and over in my head. And I started to think "What is there in the kitchen that I can eat?" Although most of the food I buy at the grocery store is healthy stuff, there ARE a few treats for my hubby and son. There's a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream. There are some Little Debbie cakes, and some chips. I laid there in bed, listening to hubby snore, and I kept thinking of that food, and of how comforting it would be to just go ahead and binge.

But thats the old me, the one who used food to bury my emotions. The old me who would binge, and then feel nothing but shame and remorse.

I'm not that person anymore, and I don't ever want to go back to being that person. So I didn't binge. I thought about making a cup of of tea, but to be honest I just didn't even trust myself to go into the kitchen! So instead of having a cup of tea, I took a bubble bath and read a few chapters of my book. And then I went back to bed.

This morning, I woke up still feeling hurt by hubby's words, but mostly I just felt proud of myself for staying strong and on track. Actually, hubby is the one who woke up with feelings of regret. He's ashamed of himself for calling me fat. But I forgive him. He's always been my biggest supporter, and he's been there for me through thick and thin...literally! So he and I are just fine. And I am so happy that I didn't give in to a binge last night!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • AERWIN77
    emoticon on not giving in to those thoughts on binging on the snacks in the kitchen. He may be feeling guilty, but you are still the one who was hurt by his words, forgiven or not. emoticon

    Stay strong, you are doing a great job!
    1833 days ago
    You did a great job at avoiding the kitchen ... whenever I start an argument the first words out of my mouth and it doesnt matter who it is with I say the same thing ... Be careful with those words choose them carefully for when this is done I will forgive you but I will never forget them and most of the time I will walk away at this point giving everyone time to calm down. I am sorry that he said that and he should be regretful about it maybe next time he will think before he speaks .... emoticon
    1833 days ago
    Great blog, you are amazing!!
    1833 days ago
    Good for you!
    1833 days ago
  • BANDMOM2012
    Gosh I know these feelings emoticon You did an awesome job with your self control! Keep pushing, you are totally worth it!
    1833 days ago
    I enjoyed this entry and would like to do a blog on my journey too. Are there instructions on how to start one somewhere or is there a cost involved?

    Bobbie emoticon
    1833 days ago
    WOW It is hard to win a battle against your own will when you feel deflated. That was an incredible win.

    On a personal note, you need to talk to your husband about those words he used. He was not playing fare. You need to tell him how it made you feel and how you almost/could have destroyed everything that you worked for trying to be a healthier you.

    KEEP up the great work you are doing.

    1833 days ago
    So proud of you!!!!! I'm glad you were able to work your way through it!!!
    1833 days ago
    YOU ARE AMAZING!!! emoticon
    1833 days ago
    I loved the way you thought through your hurt and chose a response that didn't make you feel guilty and defeated (and fatter!) in the morning. You are my hero! (((Big hug)))
    1833 days ago
    Great job! This was very encouraging and inspiring! I especially love the meme at the end. Thank you!
    1833 days ago
  • DW33412
    1833 days ago
  • L1ZB3TH354
    So very proud of you Pixie! You did it again, another great blog! You can claim another NSV!
    1833 days ago
    Hey Pixie YOU are amazing, so happy that you stayed out of the kitchen and enjoyed a bath instead. So sorry to hear that your husband hurt you, hearing that F word from a person we love is painful but it's also the way they know how to hurt us most when they are hurting. You and your husband will be back on track and he will be back to being your champion again cause he loves you!

    Be Fierce! my friend!!!

    emoticon emoticon Love those pink weights! emoticon emoticon
    1833 days ago
  • DAWNO64
    You should be extremely proud of yourself for handling an emotional situation the way you did. You gave yourself a non-food treat (that bath) and took care of yourself. New habits are so much better.
    And tell your hubby "shame on you" for me. He should know better!
    1833 days ago
  • CHERYLA2012
    Pixie, you're an awesome inspiration and a motivational force! You rock for not giving in to Emotional Eating and redirecting your attention elsewhere.

    I'm glad you and your husband "got each others' back" and are fine.

    P.S. You're a better person than me cos, I'd have been sorely tempted to tell him that the only treats allowed in the house from now on would be for our son.

    1834 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/11/2013 9:21:49 AM
  • DJSHIP46
    I'm so sorry you were hurt and so glad you won the comfort food battle again! You are a strong, beautiful person and you will achieve the future you're working toward! It's not a bad thing to set fighting rules and make some things off limits, or so I've heard! emoticon Donna
    1834 days ago
    Way to go! You are making good choices in spite of other people.
    1834 days ago
    This was a GREAT blog - I completely understand all of it - I think one of the more difficult things you discuss is that whole thing about not yet being at goal weight, but being so committed and working so hard, and most people can' t see that commitment as they pass by us during the day - it takes a great deal of strength to keep on keepin' on, staying committed and working hard, no matter what - and you sure did do just that! I just loved this blog, thank you for sharing it :)

    1834 days ago
    1834 days ago
    He nor anyone else will even be able to call you the F word much longer. Look at all you've accomplished! You should be VERY proud of yourself. I LOVE the bubble bath idea. I'm stealin it. Ü
    1834 days ago

    1834 days ago
  • NEPTUNE1939
    1834 days ago
    Way to go! I'm proud of you, because I know that really did hurt! Been there, done that myself! Also, I love the pics you put into this blog. Yes, the new us is here to stay this time around! All I can say is watch out world, because here we come!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1834 days ago
    Way to Go for not giving in. I'm glad you and your DH were able to get past this. Losing that kind of weight, I'm sure people are noticing. That's a major change! Keep up the great job!
    1834 days ago
    Way to stay strong!!!
    1834 days ago
    Despite it all, you had a HUGE NSV when you sunk into the tub with your book instead of giving in to the binging.
    1834 days ago
    Thanks for sharing.
    1834 days ago
    What a great blog! You are really taking care of yourself and that is so important! Good for you!
    1834 days ago
    Wow, as I sat here reading your blog I wanted to cry for you, for me, for all of us who struggle with this. I've been told similar and worse by my significant other. I can totally relate to what it feels like when it happens and later on.. much much later on.

    Anyway, I am super proud of you for not giving in to that temptation! That is a huge accomplishment!

    Know that we are all cheering for you to succeed in your own personal goals!

    Way to go! emoticon
    1834 days ago
    You are so strong - you will be a success! emoticon Thanks for sharing.
    1834 days ago
    Wow! Excellent blog. Congrats on the "featured blog post" award, too. You must be so incredibly proud of yourself for choosing "the new you" actions instead of the "old you actions."

    1834 days ago
    1834 days ago
    Awesome, you did great emoticon emoticon

    Maybe just for fun ,,, beat your hubby with a stick?? for being MEAN emoticon

    Glad you resolved the differences. emoticon
    1834 days ago
    Good for you. I don't know that I would have been that strong. My theory would have been, "OK, he thinks I'm fat? I'll show him fat!" and I would have gotten up and finished off his bag of chips, or his ice cream.

    You have come so far. Keep up the good work.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1834 days ago
    Wow!! So inspiring. I have been there before and it happened at a romantic dinner no less. Remember how bad I felt but at that time of my life I gave in and binged for probably a couple of years to smoosh down the hurt even after he felt so bad about it. I too think I am a stronger and different person but am not sure what I would have done. Good for you!!
    1834 days ago
  • COOKIE_AT_51
    First off emoticon on not giving into that pull to binge eat to comfort yourself ... that speaks volumes to the strength you have developed. You are awesome and an inspiration to many. emoticon

    Someone once told me something about harsh words ... once they are out you can't take it back (their analogy was squeezing toothpaste out of a tube, can't put it back).
    I am glad that you and hubby can talk and that he regrets what he said. I am still sending emoticon because you deserve it.

    Have a glorious weekend and keep sparkin' ... emoticon emoticon

    1834 days ago
  • NCSUE0514
    1834 days ago
    Job well done. Not giving in to your dissapointment and anger by bingeing, proved that you did the right thing. It certainly wasn't an easy decision. It is also wonderful that your husband apoligized for his harsh words and he understood that they were hurtful for yoy. Congrats to both of you for realizing the mistakes made and what almost happened.
    1834 days ago
    You are such an encouragement!
    1834 days ago
    What an inspiration you are!!!! ( And a great writer! You conveyed your emotions so well and made me feel them---the anger, pain, indecision, conviction and pride. What a roller coaster of emotions you went through that night. ! Above all I felt such awe for how you emerged with an even stronger sense of who you are. Yes, you ARE an inspiration.

    Thank you for taking the time to post this--I will think of you the next time I am in a situation that threatens my resolve to be the best I can be and I know it will help me emoticon .
    1834 days ago
    Congratulations on staying on course! Your willpower is magnificent! Keep up the great work!

    1834 days ago
    Glad you stayed strong for you Glad you made up with DH words are just that we throw them to hurt, we give them with love as the receiver we can choose to hold and believe them or let them go when they don't sever us!!! let them go when they hurt just as quick and hard as you hold on to words that encourage and help you.

    It our choice to believe what others say or NOT
    You are doing great and getting stronger and better everyday

    1834 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1834 days ago
  • GLORYB83
    Oh Pixie, many thoughtless things are said in the heat of an argument and we'd bite our tongue off to take them back. We never mean them but the person they're directed to still feels that hurt even after they make up.

    You are stronger than I . . . without going into details, I had something really upset me yesterday morning and though I did good all day, that hurt kept in my mind and . . . you guessed it, I gave in to the 'comfort' food last night! And ruined my streak of eating healthy!

    Well, today is another day, a new one, and I learned from what I did last night and I'm back on track today.

    I know your hubby didn't mean it when he called you fat but I also know how the hurt lingers. Be kind to yourself, you're a deserving person.
    Love you,
    Spark Mom Gloria
    1834 days ago
    You took a very hurtful situation and handled it beautifully! You and your husband have a wonderful relationship and I'm glad he was remorseful for his hurtful comment. Stay true to your goals and to the new you!
    1834 days ago
  • JANAMP09
    emoticon It is so easy to be controlled by our emotions (or we let them be our excuse - not sure which)
    You did a great job! If you have gone from 3 x to an l you are doing fantastic and did not deserve the f word. Maybe you and hubby can come up with a list of words/items that are banned from fights - we always hit where it hurts- I'm sure he also has some touchy areas also.
    1834 days ago
  • GINA180847
    Name calling is never good unless it is in the positive column.
    1834 days ago
  • LISAN0415
    15 years ago, my mom told my Dad to get off his "Fat @@@" and blah blah blah in the argument, none of us remember what the argument was about, but my Dad still remembers that my Mom called him Fat.

    We know she didn't actually mean he was fat, she was basically saying he wasn't doing what she wanted him to do, but still it was hurtful.

    I am sorry he said that, I believe he didn't really mean it, but I know that doesn't take that pain away immediately, but one thing we have learned is to never do something destructive because of what someone else says or does to us.

    You are doing so well, we can all see it, best wishes for future successes!
    1834 days ago
    Many, many kudos on staying out of the kitchen!!! I don't think I could have.

    I don't think you should be called names...not ever and not by your husband.
    1834 days ago
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