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    PIXIE-LICIOUS   127,956
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The F Word

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Thursday, January 10, 2013




Today is lucky day 13 of my current streak! emoticon

Last night I had a huge argument with hubby. We're both under stress now, and last night it just blew up. We both said some things that we shouldn't have said, and we regret them. The argument didn't last long, and we apologized before we went to bed. But some of the things he said really hurt me. Long after he was sound asleep and snoring, I was laying there awake, hearing his words over and over.

He used the F word...he called me fat.

Although I've been working hard since last March and have lost 71 lbs, I am still fat. I know when people look at me, they still see a fat woman. They don't see all the changes I've made in my llifestyle. They don't see how committed I am to working out and eating right. They just see my current body size, and thats ok. I'm not losing the weight and getting healthy in order to impress anyone. Not even my hubby. I'm doing this for ME, because I want to look better and feel better.

But hubby knows how hard I work. He sees me every day, doing my workouts, preparing my food and turning down the junk food that he eats. He sees the progress I've made...going from size 3X t shirts to size L. He's fully aware that I have changed my lifestyle for the better, and he knows all about my dreams for the future, when I am finally at my goal size. And he knows how much it hurts me to be called fat. Yet during our argument, thats exactly what he called me. Not just once, but several times. I wanted to cry, but I refused to give in to tears.

So after he was asleep, the argument and the F word played over and over in my head. And I started to think "What is there in the kitchen that I can eat?" Although most of the food I buy at the grocery store is healthy stuff, there ARE a few treats for my hubby and son. There's a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream. There are some Little Debbie cakes, and some chips. I laid there in bed, listening to hubby snore, and I kept thinking of that food, and of how comforting it would be to just go ahead and binge.

But thats the old me, the one who used food to bury my emotions. The old me who would binge, and then feel nothing but shame and remorse.



I'm not that person anymore, and I don't ever want to go back to being that person. So I didn't binge. I thought about making a cup of of tea, but to be honest I just didn't even trust myself to go into the kitchen! So instead of having a cup of tea, I took a bubble bath and read a few chapters of my book. And then I went back to bed.

This morning, I woke up still feeling hurt by hubby's words, but mostly I just felt proud of myself for staying strong and on track. Actually, hubby is the one who woke up with feelings of regret. He's ashamed of himself for calling me fat. But I forgive him. He's always been my biggest supporter, and he's been there for me through thick and thin...literally! So he and I are just fine. And I am so happy that I didn't give in to a binge last night!


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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARYJEANSL 1/11/2013 10:06PM

  All I can say is, "Wow! Good for you for staying so strong!"

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2BDYNAMIC 1/11/2013 10:00PM

    I just finished writing a blog not 5 minutes ago ............ "Someone Has to Be #1---Why Not You?"
Please come read it ...........if you would ........... And every day you look in the mirror and commend yourself for all the wonderful change you have already made........ (I am proud of you!) ................ and you see a beautiful woman looking back at you .......... emoticon .......... and remember: it is now how OTHERS see you .............. you know you are on a successful journey! And I BELIEVE you will make it!! I REALLY do!! emoticon

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GARDENCHRIS 1/11/2013 9:47PM

    good for you ..... sorry your hubby choose to hurt you like that.

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SOUTHERNMEL 1/11/2013 9:38PM

    WOW! Way to go on making a choice to really soothe your emotions and deal with your feelings. That's AWESOME progress.

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JULIAMOONCHILD 1/11/2013 9:29PM

    Loved your blog and your winning Attitude! You are an inspiration to all of us!

Also loved reading about the choice you made - taking a bath and reading your book. Nothing like being surrounded by water when emotional hurts inflicted by another's tongue, or even our own, need to be washed away. Symbolic, perhaps, but it has always seemed to help me cope better when hurting emotionally.

Keep your glow ... You truly shine!

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PEGGYO 1/11/2013 9:13PM

    way to go

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MISSLISA1973 1/11/2013 9:05PM

    My husband has said some really mean things to me too, just the things he knew would hurt the most. I don't think he really meant them for what they were, he just wanted to hurt me at the time. It is hard to accept that his goal was to hurt the one who loves him more than anything, and the one he loves more than anything. But I have learned to accept (as best I can, depending on the day) that he does it because he knows no better. He does not know how to handle his emotions better, so when he hurts, he knows nothing better than to hurt me. Understanding that makes it a little easier to take those verbal smacks. My guess is your husband thinks you are sexier than you can imagine and he probably doesn't even think of you as fat. He probably just wanted to hurt you. At least he regrets it, and hopefully has learned from his mistake.

Good for you for being strong. We are all so proud of you!

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AUSSIEJAN2 1/11/2013 8:57PM

    Good job! You passed a test. You didn't let the F word control your actions. That takea real character and determination.Words can hurt if we let them. People used to call me Skinny. Big deal, I knew that I was thin. So what? It was like calling a Tree Wood. I ignored it so the kids stopped saying it. No fun to tease a person you can't get a rise out of. We know we have some weight to lose, and we're doing it. That's what counts.

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PIRATELASS 1/11/2013 8:55PM

    So proud of you! Being an emotional binge eater myself, I could totally put myself in your place. There is always something to trigger emotional eating. Each battle won is such an accomplishment and deserves a huge round of applause!! Thanks for sharing and inspiring me.

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REGILIEH 1/11/2013 8:54PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

emoticon emoticon emoticon You DID it!!! emoticon

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MIMETALKER 1/11/2013 8:50PM

    That was a tough one. You did good for yourself though. Nicely done.

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MJ7DM33 1/11/2013 8:45PM

  WTG!

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LAURANCE 1/11/2013 8:42PM

  Good for you that you did not binge after being called that awful name!

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FRANCES-AGAPE 1/11/2013 8:34PM

    emoticon

emoticon

Sooo PROUD of YOU !

I would have stuffed my face
BUT
THANKS to Your example
and Spark's help
one day I too will resist
falling back into old, eating habits

emoticon



Have a Wonderful Weekend !

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LOVE and BLESSINGS !

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1MYSTERY_LADY 1/11/2013 8:24PM

    emoticon

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HHB4181 1/11/2013 8:09PM

    great blog! sorry to hear about your fight, but AWESOME job staying strong and finding other things to do besides eat. That's such an accomplishment.
emoticon

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TAKINBACKMYBODY 1/11/2013 8:09PM

    Great blog - good job thinking through the emotions that word brought on - and for coming up with an alternative to undoing all your great work -it's not easy. You are doing great! emoticon -Shanna

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FAT2GAINHEALTH 1/11/2013 8:07PM

    GREAT JOB!!!!! emoticon

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MARITIMER3 1/11/2013 7:57PM

    You should be SOOOOOO proud of yourself for not getting up and eating all the ice cream last night. And even more proud of the 71 lbs. you've lost and the lifestyle changes you've made since joining SP in March. You've really learned to use SP to achieve your goals. I'm sure your husband is very sorry for calling you fat, and I can certainly understand how much it hurt for him to say that when he knows how hard you are working. I'm very glad that you forgive him, just as I'm sure he has forgiven you for things that may have hurt him. You showed real strength of character... the same strength of character that kept you from going down to the kitchen last night and eating the ice cream and Little Debbie cakes.

Gail emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MANDAROSE80 1/11/2013 7:55PM

    emoticon emoticon

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BARBARASDIET 1/11/2013 7:49PM

    ouch!

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VOLLEYGIRL77 1/11/2013 7:30PM

    I'm sorry you had a fight but I am glad you made up and you talked yourself through it. You are your biggest support!

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PATRICIAANN46 1/11/2013 7:26PM

  Good for You, Pixie.............You are emoticon and STRONG and I am so proud of you. emoticon

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CLAYARTIST 1/11/2013 7:03PM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BONIFIANT 1/11/2013 6:39PM

    emoticon Keep up the great thinking. emoticon

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JERICHO1991 1/11/2013 6:05PM

    Thanks for sharing, the conflict resolution and successful coping. Great job!

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DEBBYNATION 1/11/2013 5:23PM

    New F words for u: FABULOUSLY FIT FEMALE FOREVER FINE! :)

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CHANGING-TURTLE 1/11/2013 5:09PM

    You Rock emoticon

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PORTIAWILLIS 1/11/2013 5:02PM

    Oh how I admire you for your restraint. I not a binge eater but I might be in jail for spousal abuse. I doubt I could have keep from hitting him or from crying. Way to go and thanks for sharing with me.

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NILLAPEPSI 1/11/2013 4:59PM

    Hmmm. I don't like that F word, but I would allow it to make me just angry enough to work out harder. emoticon

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SHOAPIE 1/11/2013 4:56PM

    emoticon

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GOOSIEMOON 1/11/2013 4:51PM

    emoticon

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ALIDOSHA 1/11/2013 4:37PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LEMON2012 1/11/2013 4:22PM

    Thank you for your transparency and honesty. Hurt people hurt people. I am SO glad you were the bigger person. Keep going! You are phenominal and inspirational for traveling the road less traveled. I pray the next time I reach for comfort food, I remember this blog! emoticon

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TINY67 1/11/2013 4:20PM

    emoticon

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JSALERNO 1/11/2013 4:20PM

    emoticon

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SUNNYWBL 1/11/2013 3:56PM

    What a great weight loss victory for you! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon


emoticon emoticon emoticon

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IAMAGEMLOVER 1/11/2013 3:47PM

    I am so proud of you. emoticon I am happy that everything has been put to "bed" so to speak. When people get mad I think they lose there censorship part of the brain and just blurt things out. It can be very hurtful. I know I have been hurt and I have hurt people. emoticon


emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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52114ME 1/11/2013 3:41PM

    I am sorry your hubby said something so hurtful to you.
You have to be proud of yourself, redirecitng your thoughts and enjoying a bubble bath with a book instead.
emoticon

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FRAN0426 1/11/2013 3:39PM

    Congreats on the weight lose; and for getting through a tough night without running for food. You have come a long way and continued success on your journey. emoticon emoticon

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HANSBRINK 1/11/2013 3:38PM

  Congrats on avoiding the binge.

Last year Jen Mueller wrote a blog about being a sensitive person.
http://www.dailyspark.co
m/blog.asp?post=is_it_possible_
to_grow_thicker_skin
She may have an idea or two to use.

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JANETTEB553 1/11/2013 3:12PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AMARILYNH 1/11/2013 3:00PM

    Once more you are my HERO!! emoticon

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SFREDERICK12 1/11/2013 3:00PM

    Good for you thanks for sharing your story it was truly an inspiraton! emoticon

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BASKETLADY13 1/11/2013 2:52PM

    Excellent job of restraining yourself. There's no amount of anger management that would have allowed me to keep from going off on my hubby if I'd been in your shoes. I feel the same way you do about people looking at me and not knowing this is a newer me than a few months ago. I feel they only see the still fat me instead of the 34 pounds lighter person I am. Sometimes I want to wear a sign on my back that says "My other body sweated off in the gym."

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WARDMIC78 1/11/2013 2:43PM

    Very proud of you! that's a hard urge to overcome especially when it's been the reliable one. Keep up the great work and know you're on the right track.

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KHALIA2 1/11/2013 2:22PM

  emoticon " HATS OFF" to you for staying strong. WELL DONE!

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VICKIEANN82350 1/11/2013 2:16PM

  You are a much better woman then I, not that anyone has called me fat, you handle the situation like it should be handle. I on the other hand got on the scales this morning after being so compliant this week and was up 1.4lbs. What did I do the more I thought about it? I ate a muffin then a piece of cranberry bread, I now feel like I am up 5 lbs and I know my pants have gotten tighter during the day. lol You handled it all so well, good for you. I agree with the person who said you should hit your husband over the head with the refrigerator. lol emoticon

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NUNZIATA43 1/11/2013 2:15PM

    What an inspirational blog. Love it - we all share the same challenges but you actually stayed STRONG and held to your own goals. WELL DONE! emoticon

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AMANDEES76 1/11/2013 2:01PM

    It always hurts worse when those words come from someone that is so close to you. You did great not allowing his hurtful words to drive you towards a binge. You took the time for yourself and woke up a better person today! I'm proud of you for all you have accomplished. Keep pushing forward and those dreams will become your reality.

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