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The F Word


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Thursday, January 10, 2013




Today is lucky day 13 of my current streak! emoticon

Last night I had a huge argument with hubby. We're both under stress now, and last night it just blew up. We both said some things that we shouldn't have said, and we regret them. The argument didn't last long, and we apologized before we went to bed. But some of the things he said really hurt me. Long after he was sound asleep and snoring, I was laying there awake, hearing his words over and over.

He used the F word...he called me fat.

Although I've been working hard since last March and have lost 71 lbs, I am still fat. I know when people look at me, they still see a fat woman. They don't see all the changes I've made in my llifestyle. They don't see how committed I am to working out and eating right. They just see my current body size, and thats ok. I'm not losing the weight and getting healthy in order to impress anyone. Not even my hubby. I'm doing this for ME, because I want to look better and feel better.

But hubby knows how hard I work. He sees me every day, doing my workouts, preparing my food and turning down the junk food that he eats. He sees the progress I've made...going from size 3X t shirts to size L. He's fully aware that I have changed my lifestyle for the better, and he knows all about my dreams for the future, when I am finally at my goal size. And he knows how much it hurts me to be called fat. Yet during our argument, thats exactly what he called me. Not just once, but several times. I wanted to cry, but I refused to give in to tears.

So after he was asleep, the argument and the F word played over and over in my head. And I started to think "What is there in the kitchen that I can eat?" Although most of the food I buy at the grocery store is healthy stuff, there ARE a few treats for my hubby and son. There's a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream. There are some Little Debbie cakes, and some chips. I laid there in bed, listening to hubby snore, and I kept thinking of that food, and of how comforting it would be to just go ahead and binge.

But thats the old me, the one who used food to bury my emotions. The old me who would binge, and then feel nothing but shame and remorse.



I'm not that person anymore, and I don't ever want to go back to being that person. So I didn't binge. I thought about making a cup of of tea, but to be honest I just didn't even trust myself to go into the kitchen! So instead of having a cup of tea, I took a bubble bath and read a few chapters of my book. And then I went back to bed.

This morning, I woke up still feeling hurt by hubby's words, but mostly I just felt proud of myself for staying strong and on track. Actually, hubby is the one who woke up with feelings of regret. He's ashamed of himself for calling me fat. But I forgive him. He's always been my biggest supporter, and he's been there for me through thick and thin...literally! So he and I are just fine. And I am so happy that I didn't give in to a binge last night!


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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
RAINBOWMF 1/12/2013 11:22PM

    emoticon I am kind of reading these blogs backwards.

I am so proud of you, Healthy has taken over your body and mind emoticon

Hugs Mary

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SABLEARTS 1/12/2013 11:03PM

    It's funny how that word is even worse after you start doing something about it! But, like all the others, it's just a word. As a friend of mine says, "I have fat - that does not make ME fat. I am me!"

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ALIHIKES 1/12/2013 10:40PM

    Amazing and powerful blog, thank you for sharing. It is very hard when someone we love makes a hurtful comment. You handled it very well! emoticon

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TEACHING1ST 1/12/2013 10:24PM

    I'm so sorry this happened, but so proUd of how the 'new you' handled it. I hope your husband will regret his words enough to never say them again, but you have what it takes to rise above it.

Hugs to you,


Mary

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NEWKATHYNOW 1/12/2013 9:53PM

    Wow! What a great blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for sharing that and also for the inspirational pictures. I can so relate to the struggle to eat the pain or aggravation away! That's where the "old me.../ new me....." kicks in! Thanks again! And keep on pushing - you are doing it!

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DEBORAHLEE82 1/12/2013 9:22PM

    emoticon and emoticon

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TONYTHETSANGEL 1/12/2013 9:22PM

    Pixie - we all say things that we don't mean in the heat of an argument. I'm glad that you and your hubby have a strong bond and know to make up quickly and not drag things out. I'm also glad that you avoided the kitchen and stood your ground and did not binge!
emoticon

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CICELY360 1/12/2013 8:50PM

  good blog

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HEALTHYHAPPYDEB 1/12/2013 8:01PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FARFROMASAINT 1/12/2013 6:56PM

    emoticon

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DUSTYPRAIRIE 1/12/2013 4:09PM

    Pixie, I cringed hearing that. Then I emoticon for you staying true to yourself. Fantastic! emoticon

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CAT-IN-CJ 1/12/2013 3:46PM

    I am so impressed with the way you kept control.
I love the motivational pics you chose . . . .

When it all comes down to it, YOU have to be the priority.
And it's not about self preservation . . . . no, it's about learning to thrive.

You can look back to who you used to be and see the miraculous changes.
And you MUST be proud of yourself. I know I am for you.
And that's the NEW you. Today.
Still changing, yes.
And you'll be NEW again tomorrow.

Never allow someone elses words or actions
make you something other than the beautiful person you really are.

YOU ARE emoticon


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MYRTLE811 1/12/2013 3:24PM

  I too am deeply affected by wounding words; I often, most likely have used food to swallow the bitter taste of those words as they roll around in my head. You reached an incredible milestone when you diverted the hurt into something positive for yourself. Be proud of yourself and someone who has gone from a 3X to a L is not fat anymore.

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BABYBARNEY 1/12/2013 2:35PM

    The F word for you is FABULOUS...it's amazing the strength you showed in ignoring the old habit of emotional eating or reaching out for comfort food...you woke up without regret or guilt & a healthy handful of husband remorse...that should in itself feel good. Congratulations...you deserve it!!!

Sandi emoticon

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SARAHSSUNSHINE 1/12/2013 2:32PM

    This is amazing. I am SO glad I found this, it applies to me soooooooooooooooo much right now and the resilience you've shown and awareness you have toward your own binging patterns is amazing. To lay there KNOWING you want it, and why you want it, and to avoid the kitchen completely and find another way entirely to cope with a crappy night is so admirable. I can't wait to get back to that place again. :) I don't know you, but I'm so proud of you!

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ROSIEPD 1/12/2013 2:14PM

    What an emotional and inspirational post. I could feel all that should I/shouldn't I struggle - been there. You handled it so well. It's pretty cruddy when ones we love attack our weakest point. Glad you worked through it. Woman, how powerful you've grown!
emoticon

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QTEALADY20031 1/12/2013 1:40PM

    Pixie, I am reading this late as I am catching up on my blogs. Pixie, you did wonderful refusing the treats in the kitchen. It just shows you that you ARE doing it, the changes have taken place and you know now that YOU can make different choices. It is good that you and your husband forgave one another as it shows howwonderful you both are in your relationship. emoticon June

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LSIG14 1/12/2013 1:38PM

    Often husband and wives use the most hurtful words they can in the heat of argument and then realize how unfair it is when they are calm. We all need to choose our words carefully because they can't be taken back. Kudos to you for not letting the hurt destroy all your good work!

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LAWANDMUSIC 1/12/2013 1:38PM

    I am VERY proud of you!

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KSIDOTI123 1/12/2013 1:18PM

  What a generous share! Thank you.
Good for you for staying strong. You dealt with negative emotions in a constructive way, and today you feel strong and better instead of weak and ashamed.
Proud of you! emoticon

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PAULAMCAMPBELL 1/12/2013 12:54PM

    Awesome!! You should be proud of yourself-Keep strong-You can do it!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HOPEFULHIPPO 1/12/2013 12:35PM

    Thank you so much for this. This is just the reminder and relative stuff I go through with MY hubby. So, thank you. Thank you for showing us we aren't alone (which means, neither are YOU!!) Great job!!!



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ELIZABETH5268 1/12/2013 12:22PM

    Great job! I'll have to try that bath/book idea the next time the treats in the kitchen call my name!

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CM_GARDNER78 1/12/2013 10:39AM

    That is AWESOME!!! That is one heck of a victory, if I do say so!!! That is something to be proud of, and better yet, something to build on to! Wow!! Great job!! You really should be proud of yourself! :-)

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RESTORETOSANITY 1/12/2013 10:36AM

  Now you have a reference point you can go back to, again and again. You proved to yourself that it's true, food won't make it better...and that you can do things differently than you have in the past.

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FIRECOM 1/12/2013 9:42AM

    The old saying that goes ... Sticks and stones may harm me but words will never hurt me ... is totally untrue. Just don't harbor them, your each apologized and now is the time to move on.

I wish you well. Stay safe out there.

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BUSMOM27 1/12/2013 9:17AM

    Words can be so hurtful. I'm proud of you for staying strong.

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GEMLADYONE 1/12/2013 9:07AM

    So sad that it's always the ones we love....but making up can be fun too!

WTG to not let his lack of control be in control of your choices! emoticon

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JSGETFITNOW 1/12/2013 8:43AM

    what is the expression, you only hurt the one you love...
Anyway, sorry .you went through that during the fight, but WOW, what a fabulous response... I can relate so much to the TEA, and then the not being able to go near the kitchen. I myself and trying the bath thing more. Great job; you have to be so proud of yourself for working through that in a healthy way.

Have a great weekend and thanks so much for sharing your story

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FITGRANDMA120 1/12/2013 8:38AM

    Very helpful blog to couples who just get frustrated some times.

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FITMARTI 1/12/2013 8:37AM

    Great attitude

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TDEMAIO2 1/12/2013 8:22AM

    YOU are very STRONG and should be PROUD :D we all have our hills and valleys in our journey and you just passed yours perfectly emoticon

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4RASCALS 1/12/2013 8:21AM

    Good for you that you diverted your binge. That was a huge step given the conditions you were under. emoticon on staying in control. That a major hurdle that you overcame. It show the progress you have made, and your determination to reach your goal

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LEANMEAN2 1/12/2013 6:26AM

    Congratulations. Keep at it. You can do it.

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RUNNERRACHEL 1/12/2013 5:36AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WILSON1926 1/12/2013 5:01AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
THANK YOU FOR SHARING
MICHAEL

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BLUEJEAN99 1/12/2013 1:51AM

    emoticon emoticon

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JAMER123 1/12/2013 1:25AM

    I am so glad you were able to refrain from eating!! Good going! Also, I am glad your DH recognized what he had said knowing how hard you have worked. It takes a big man to ask for forgiveness!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JUDYD207 1/12/2013 12:50AM

    emoticon emoticon

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SASSYTHING52 1/11/2013 11:45PM

    thanks for sharing so glad you didnt give in and everything is ok now emoticon emoticon job

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POPSY190 1/11/2013 11:32PM

    Well done, you! Try not to dwell on words used only to score points - as you say, you are both under great stress, and that's a great temptation to revert to calling names! When the adult in us returns we know we got it wrong! I'm sure it's like that for your husband.
But didn't you come through with flying colours! emoticon

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GWINNER1 1/11/2013 11:10PM

    Soooo proud of you! I's sure you will reach your goal weight. Congrats you what you've already accomplished! emoticon

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SUSIESLIM62 1/11/2013 10:55PM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WILSONWR 1/11/2013 10:53PM

    You did great dealing with a bad situation - I'm inspired by your attitude! Keep it up and you will meet all of your goals!

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SPEEDY143 1/11/2013 10:38PM

    emoticon every victory makes the next one easier emoticon

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PCASEY7 1/11/2013 10:27PM

    Such a great example of your will power!

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TIRED49 1/11/2013 10:26PM

    Good job! Staying strong! Keep it up.

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GOING-STRONG 1/11/2013 10:25PM

    I am impressed all the way around with how you handled the situation! Kudos to you!



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LIBBYL1 1/11/2013 10:23PM

  so...a big step. taking comfort/dealing with things without food! Well done.

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LYNNA1968 1/11/2013 10:11PM

    I'm sorry you were spoken to but damn proud your ignored your inner demon! Heads up & give yourself a great big hug!

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