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    PIXIE-LICIOUS   130,805
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The F Word

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Thursday, January 10, 2013




Today is lucky day 13 of my current streak! emoticon

Last night I had a huge argument with hubby. We're both under stress now, and last night it just blew up. We both said some things that we shouldn't have said, and we regret them. The argument didn't last long, and we apologized before we went to bed. But some of the things he said really hurt me. Long after he was sound asleep and snoring, I was laying there awake, hearing his words over and over.

He used the F word...he called me fat.

Although I've been working hard since last March and have lost 71 lbs, I am still fat. I know when people look at me, they still see a fat woman. They don't see all the changes I've made in my llifestyle. They don't see how committed I am to working out and eating right. They just see my current body size, and thats ok. I'm not losing the weight and getting healthy in order to impress anyone. Not even my hubby. I'm doing this for ME, because I want to look better and feel better.

But hubby knows how hard I work. He sees me every day, doing my workouts, preparing my food and turning down the junk food that he eats. He sees the progress I've made...going from size 3X t shirts to size L. He's fully aware that I have changed my lifestyle for the better, and he knows all about my dreams for the future, when I am finally at my goal size. And he knows how much it hurts me to be called fat. Yet during our argument, thats exactly what he called me. Not just once, but several times. I wanted to cry, but I refused to give in to tears.

So after he was asleep, the argument and the F word played over and over in my head. And I started to think "What is there in the kitchen that I can eat?" Although most of the food I buy at the grocery store is healthy stuff, there ARE a few treats for my hubby and son. There's a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream. There are some Little Debbie cakes, and some chips. I laid there in bed, listening to hubby snore, and I kept thinking of that food, and of how comforting it would be to just go ahead and binge.

But thats the old me, the one who used food to bury my emotions. The old me who would binge, and then feel nothing but shame and remorse.



I'm not that person anymore, and I don't ever want to go back to being that person. So I didn't binge. I thought about making a cup of of tea, but to be honest I just didn't even trust myself to go into the kitchen! So instead of having a cup of tea, I took a bubble bath and read a few chapters of my book. And then I went back to bed.

This morning, I woke up still feeling hurt by hubby's words, but mostly I just felt proud of myself for staying strong and on track. Actually, hubby is the one who woke up with feelings of regret. He's ashamed of himself for calling me fat. But I forgive him. He's always been my biggest supporter, and he's been there for me through thick and thin...literally! So he and I are just fine. And I am so happy that I didn't give in to a binge last night!


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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LBRAUN5 8/11/2013 6:31PM

  Good job! Many people (me included) would have jumped to the kitchen in a heart beat! Proud of you for sticking to your goals!

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SUPERSYLPH 7/17/2013 2:24PM

    Good for you! Some people would've even binged just to be like "You want fat?! I'll show you fat!" Nom nom nom! Which obviously does nothing but hurt themselves.

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CATNCAG 6/27/2013 10:47AM

    That is awesome! You should be proud of yourself! On top of everything else my husband & I have recently quit smoking! Why is it when we get totally stressed out we want to eat comfort foods & in my case smoke a cigarette also??? Or maybe even partake in an alcoholic beverage? When we can sustain from these urges we should be very proud of ourselves & know that we are improving our lives!!!

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FOREVERFITCHICK 1/30/2013 5:17PM

    WAY TO GO WOMAN! I to often gave in to emotional eating and now I just "work it out" instead. I do ANY activity other than eating and it tends to help! Your consistency is an inspiration and huge motivator! Keep on keepin on!

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WHITEANGEL4 1/28/2013 11:21PM

    As you know people get upset and say things they would never say otherwise.....Just remember you have come a long way baby......After my years on Sparks I am still working to a healthier body. When talking to people they really do not remember me being a size 2X Makes me feel good and Hubby has decided he needs to work on his waistline also

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HYATTI1 1/28/2013 1:16AM

    emoticon

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SABLENESS 1/18/2013 10:27PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon You did good!

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CRAZYGYMGIRL 1/18/2013 12:17AM

    sometimes, in the heat of the moment, things are said that can never be unsaid. They can be forgiven, never forgotten. But it is a testament to both of you (especially you) that you could move on. And that you remained true to yourself... the new yourself. You continue to inspire and motivate.

And in truth, when I was way heavier than I am now and losing weight I use to think that if being over weight was the worst thing in my life, I was one lucky person. Well it wasn't, worst things came up. But it was a negative that I had to deal with and have to continue to deal with. But it's not the worst.

Keep strong and Carry ON

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FRABBIT 1/17/2013 7:51PM

  Way to be strong!

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MALA77 1/17/2013 3:38PM

    Wow!!!! Good for you for not going on a brief binge!!! And glad that you and hubby are okay.

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GRAMPIAN 1/17/2013 6:22AM

  You should be proud of being so strong! emoticon

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LIFE-FAITH 1/16/2013 9:32AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon Jean

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DEEGIRL50 1/16/2013 7:48AM

    You hit a bump in the road and got over it. I'm glad you realize that your DH sees your efforts and your progress. He just reverted to an old habit (not a good one).
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SERASARA 1/15/2013 9:00PM

  emoticon emoticon

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DRAGONFIRE4 1/15/2013 3:31AM

    emoticon You are a very strong person. Your comments are an inspiration to us all emoticon Keep thinking that actions speak louder than words. He was the one to wake up feeling bad and you woke up feeling strong. emoticon

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KOOKYKATHIE 1/15/2013 1:32AM

    emoticon You were SO STRONG and not reverting back to your old ways.

emoticon You are an inspiration! emoticon

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LUVTOBOWL 1/14/2013 10:12PM

    Way to go Pix. You are a strong woman and I'm glad you didn't let that affect your plans and success for your new life. We are doing this for good this time girl!!

Hugs....

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SGRAY478 1/14/2013 9:32PM

    So proud of you! That really took a lot of effort and you should be proud of you too!

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IMEMINE1 1/14/2013 5:55AM

    When I was just a kid an elderly lady once gave me the advice of "never go to bed mad" or it continues the next day even if you don't want it to.
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CHERIRIDDELL 1/14/2013 1:12AM

    How generous of you to share that with us.Even though he was ashamed of himself for doing it ,shame on hubby.You have done brilliantly.Fight fair young man! Be proud of your amazing wife even when you are cross !

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JUST_BREATHE08 1/13/2013 11:26PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CONNIER64 1/13/2013 10:09PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon you should be very proud of yourself I know it took a lot of willpower emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HEALTHYGRAMMY49 1/13/2013 9:47PM

    Soooooo proud of you! You did it this time and you can do it the next time you are tempted to comfort yourself with food. I will remember your example and hopefully learn from your terrific choices. Keep up the great mindset. emoticon

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KTTAYLOR21 1/13/2013 9:00PM

    YOU PASSED THE TEST!!!!!

Even though your husband called you the "F" word, you did not give in to temptation which shows that you have GROWN!! That test was not a fun one, but these tests shows us where we are in our journey. So you deserve to be PROUD!!

emoticon The new you is shining through!!

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REGANCW 1/13/2013 8:43PM

  Awesome. I hope this will be me one day!

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WALKIETALKIE 1/13/2013 7:59PM

    You really are the boss of you! Great job of self control. Keep at it. You do not have to accept the " gifts" of trash talk that come your way. Kudos on knowing who you are and where you are going. That's a great way to stay on your own path. emoticon

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REENIE131 1/13/2013 7:46PM

    You did GREAT! Congrats!

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TOUDLES 1/13/2013 7:25PM

    Thanks for the honest, heartfelt blog. Sounds familiar, and I've been married 34 years, to a really wonderful man.. I think that sometimes when you are really close to someone and you want to lash out at them, you know exactly the right button to push...and he did by hitting what's really important to you.

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SLIMLILA 1/13/2013 6:29PM

    emoticon YOu did great and deserve to be so proud of yourself. A bubble bath and a book, my favs too.

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CURTIOSITY 1/13/2013 6:22PM

    There's a thing called "fair fighting." It sounds like you relationship with your hub is a good one - maybe you could talk to each other about how to express anger and frustration to each other without name-calling or being mean. It's a great way to build trust and nurture your love for each other during disagreements.
Good for you for turning off the binge-voice - Really, really good for you!

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CAROLJ35 1/13/2013 3:34PM

    Once again - sheer honesty!!!

Ye shall overcome!!!

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OHIOSTAR58 1/13/2013 3:10PM

  great post

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SONYALATRECE 1/13/2013 12:40PM

    This is why I HATE the "sticks and stones" comment. Words do hurt and you did an excellent job of not binging.

emoticon
Sonya

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SES823 1/13/2013 12:27PM

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SKYLASAUNT 1/13/2013 12:12PM

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LOSE4LIFE47 1/13/2013 11:47AM

    You have a great attitude!!

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AMANDACOETZER 1/13/2013 11:06AM

    Thanks

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ELSCO55 1/13/2013 10:54AM

    emoticon

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SPRINGBABY80 1/13/2013 10:39AM

  I'm sorry, sounds like my situation a little. Be proud of yourself of all the accomplishments and changes that you see. You will see this first before others. Be excited cause this shows that you are moving in the right direction and things will get better and you will achieve your goal. Always remember, the castle wasn't built over night and the weight isn't going to come off that easy as we like. I wish it would than things would be so much more simplified. Sounds like you a strong woman...Keep being strong. The strong always win and survive in the END. GOOD Luck! Talk to hubby about what you feeling, that is very important. Each situation is different but I wish you the best.

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BRENDA_G50 1/13/2013 10:35AM

    You never cease to amaze me. Your blogs motivate me to be the best me I can. I'm a work in progress and I appreciate your posts. They help me to strive for my goals of living a healthier lifestyle. Thank you for friending me, I've learned so much from you. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SCHOPPEK 1/13/2013 10:32AM

    Thank you for being so honest. Words can really hurt us, but you stood strong! Be proud of yourself, you should be! emoticon

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ROUNDTOWNMOM 1/13/2013 9:01AM

    You are, at this moment, a stronger woman than am I. You've given me lots to ponder. Thanks for the honesty!

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DIANACARDOSO 1/13/2013 8:36AM

  So proud of your strength!! emoticon

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DAHALL8 1/13/2013 7:45AM

    emoticon I hope you are proud of yourself, because you really should be.

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WATERDIAMONDS 1/13/2013 6:44AM

    How hard you are working! Not just with the food and moving more, but emotionally--forgoing a binge when you're that stressed is simply fantastic..

It is paying off. Whether or not you lose a little or a lot more weight, you are changing in marvelous ways.

Congratulations on a job very well done.


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RAWCOOKIE 1/13/2013 5:54AM

    Awesome! That is so inspiring. I shall think of you next time my heart is aching and I want to fill the space with food! Well done. Massive respect to you xXx

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REYNOLDSDJ 1/13/2013 1:12AM

    GOOD FOR YOU! I'm so proud that you didn't let the f word define who you are now and who you want to continue to be!

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GRAMMAP1 1/13/2013 12:30AM

    You are normal, being hurt by words, but you are very strong; bathing and reading and avoiding the kitchen. Bless you, my Friend. Hubby internally is proud of you and disappointed in himself. Forgiveness frees you, not forgiving destroys you. You have shown great character. Blessings, Jane

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NICOLE6110 1/13/2013 12:17AM

    I am so impressed with you and the strengh that you showed by making the choice that you did, well done I will keep your blog in my mind when I reach that problem, thank you for sharing

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SUECHRIS50 1/12/2013 11:33PM

    Im glad you and DH are okay but you have to remember FAT is just a word.We use it to describe our bodies,a check in the mail,a loser,an idiot,etc.How do you feel about yourself?You are beautiful and 70 lbs is no small change!You are doing great.Never ever let the F word hurt you into binging.You have come too far! emoticon


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