Thursday, January 10, 2013
It's interesting how different my mind has gotten over the last year or so. For the longest time, I found it easier to procrastinate than to do the things that I know needed to be done. Instead of focusing on the cleaning, I would whittle away my time on the computer, or by reading a book, or by watching TV. The next thing I knew, it would be time for Teddy to come home from school and I had lost all of my productive time to wasted opportunity. Exercising wasn't happening for the same reason. My life was filled with "What ifs" and "Might have beens" instead of "Have dones".
I don't know when the change came, or how it came about. Instead, I turned around one afternoon and found that I had spent the morning cleaning and I had the rest of the day to relax. I had no regrets because things hadn't gotten done (ok, I still had a few, because I have a tendency to over extend myself) and I still had time to enjoy myself. It was a heady and wonderful feeling.
When I fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle, I was afraid that my slothful tendencies were going to come back. I was worried that I'd spend far more time in front of the computer or in bed with a book or the TV than anywhere else. And honestly, for the first month, I did. December was filled with little getting done, and both my house and my health suffering for it. I used the excuse of the difficulty getting around because of my ankle to keep me from doing a lot of the things I knew I should be doing. And I felt guilty because of it. My husband works three jobs to keep a roof over our head and food on the table, and here I was feeling guilty because I was asking him to keep up with the house as well. It was feeding into my depression.
The last week has seen a lot of changes, though. Changes in motivation and in my thoughts. I realized that, yes, I was asking him to help out, but it wasn't because I was lazy. It was because I honestly wasn't able to keep up with the things that I wanted and needed to. The one time that I tried to get some cleaning done, I managed to overbalance and fall, hurting my ankle again and putting me back a little. So asking for help when I couldn't isn't something I needed to feel guilty about. I also realized, however, that the house not being in the state that I wanted it to be was not something to get angry at my husband about. As I said, he works three jobs. There are only so many hours in the day.
The last week has also showed me that the motivation has become more habit than requirement for me. I was annoyed because I COULDN'T do the things I wanted to do, not because I felt like I should be annoyed for not being able to do them. And when I talked to my doctor and was given permission to push a little, I did so. On Monday, I took down all the decorations, the tree, the whole nine yards. I cleaned the living room and took the last of the boys' Christmas gifts out of their packaging. I rearranged my electronics in my entertainment center and tidied up behind it. I got the things done that needed to be done. And yesterday, I did the same for the dining room. It took me a bit longer - PT on Tuesday really took it out of me! But I still got things where I wanted them to be.
I had planned on taking today off. It's the first day I've had to myself since falling down the stairs and I wanted a chance to enjoy it. Yes, there's some housecleaning that needed to be done, but I could get away with just focusing on general straightening. I didn't think I wanted to do any exercise - I want to talk to my PT to find out what I should avoid and what I should focus on with my ankle still being weak. But for the most part, it was going to be reading my book, watching some NCIS and playing some Marvel Avengers on Facebook. And, while I did do the straightening and the Facebook, I also found that I wanted to exercise. I needed to find something that would give me a bit of a work out. So I started the beginner ball work out (and I'm definitely feeling it in my abs). Motivation, it seems, hasn't abandoned me after all.
I can, and I will, keep this up. The change of attitude that I've always needed has shown up. My medications are where they need to be and head is on straight. I'm working my way to being who and what I want to be. It's a long road to my own personal happiness. It's a difficult road too. But for once, I'm seeing the path and it looks like one that, regardless of the difficulties that may be there, I am going to make it in the end.
I'm happy. I'm going where I want. I couldn't ask for anything more.