Thursday, January 10, 2013
Well, I didn't go have a nap, but clearly I should have. Instead I figured that if I just got up and got moving I'd be okay. And I was, the tiredness passed. The crankiness...not so much.
I so much enjoy reading others' blogs to be inspired and I know that someday, my blog will inspire someone. But right now, it's really just my journal, to try and work through things and not stuff it all down with food, so...please bare (bear?) with me.
First of all , I am so thankful that I know that I know that I know that God is good. I'm glad that I know not to bother asking, "Why me? Why is this happening to my family? Why one more thing?" I know that there is no answer to that. Sh*t happens and right now it's happening to me. God is good all the time. I'm not being punished. My blessings are not being withheld...it's just life. That in itself gives me huge peace.
Having said that, the thing that does confuse me is the way I'm treated in my own home. Dr. Phil always says that people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. I get that, totally, but usually that just makes me feel worse about myself. So I argue that I really am a good mom, I love my kids, I'm kind...but I'm a bit of a pushover. They just don't respect me at all. They LOVE me, I so know that. They tell me all the time and there's lots of hugs and snuggles (they're 11, 13 and 15 BTW). But they completely ignore me when I ask them to do things. Doesn't matter what it is, it doesn't happen. Then I get frustrated and I either retreat because I can't deal with the conflict in my depleted state, or I blow up. And that brings us to tonight. Blew up. Took iPods, computer time, phone, game controllers. They are mine until further notice.
On the food side of things, I did not binge after yelling. I didn't even choose a healthy snack. I went and vented to my husband (all the while eyeing the TV remotes and wondering if I could get away with taking those from him too??), finished cleaning the kitchen, poured a 1/2 a glass of wine, and here I am. I feel very very good about that. Plus 3 of my pantry shelves are clean and organized and I have a box of food to give away!
It's such a process. And I'm really only a few days into taking it seriously...
But now I MUST go to bed -- no more sparkpoints for me. Being tired is not helping anyone.