Thursday, January 10, 2013
Well this is it. We have reached a new low in our families life. We are beyond broke. Our vehicle registration is due and we can't pay our bills this month. Things are really, really bad.
We have been living off the food left in the back of the freezer and pantry, but there isn't even enough to get through one more week, let alone another month. So, I went to a food bank for help. What a humbling experience that was. Tomorrow we pick up our food box and I will have to make whatever we get work for us for the coming weeks.
On top of it all, my back has taken a bad turn for the worse. I can't put any pressure on my heal, or the hernia in my spine spasms. So, I am left on the couch to heal. I am going to have to turn off the television because the food commercials are making me very hungry and upset. I plan to work on my painting tomorrow to pass the time on the couch.
I have been so depressed that I can't go buy some healthy foods. I have been throwing the diet out the window and I know that's only making things worse. As if my financial and health woes weren't bad enough, I had to defeat myself by allowing myself to slip down that slippery slope and eat everything in sight. I have had a frenzy of eating leftover Christmas cookies, candy, pie, snack mix, you name it. This has taken my depression to a whole new level.
Darkness is doing it's best to take over. I have struggled with depression since I was eight years old. Now I have had a very bad set of circumstances that have triggered my symptoms above and beyond anything I ever thought I would have to handle. I have been off medication for a long time and I am so afraid of having to go back on them. If it were not for my new fiance, I am quite sure that I would not have survived the last two years.
My sister's death this last Fall has me in such a horrible funk. She gave up on life and hung herself in my old bedroom closet. My mother died in 2008 and now that my sister is gone, I am having a very hard time just getting out of bed. My sister died so horribly and I can't stop obsessing over the details. I still obsess over my mother's death and the fight I had with my parents just before the accident that she died in.
Then there's my break up with the father of my child two years ago. I never really dealt with the break-up on an emotional level when it happened. I had this new great love in my life, so I just buried the pain of it all. The problem with that is that now the things he did and said keep coming to the surface in my mind. It has me so angry all of the sudden. Who knows what I can do about it.
My son was borne premature weighing two pounds, thirteen ounces. He had multiple health issues and his father blamed me. He was a major alcoholic and told me that what happened to my son was my fault because of my body. (I was about sixty pounds overweight.) I was a stay at home mother for ten years as I struggled to get my kid healthy. It worked, he's totally healthy now but all at once I was on my own financially with an eight year old kid. We weren't married so there was no alimony for me.
I went to work and a year later got hurt on the job by a faulty machine. I am at the end of a long legal battle. I may end up with enough money to get by for about a year. I am not eligible for disability until after all settlement money is paid, and I don't qualify for unemployment because I am "Not able to be hired by an employer". To top it all off, my ex just stopped paying child support. I now have absolutely no money coming in. I can't pay my bills and soon I won't be able to drive because I have no insurance or up-to-date registration.
My fiance has taken over the finances, but he is still a full-time student. I feel so bad. He is so great to take on the roll of husband and father, but the guilt is eating me alive. My worker's comp. payments ended in October and we have depleted our savings over the last few months. My fiance has a new job. He is doing accounting work, specifically taxes. The problems is, the government has left most people unable to do their taxes. His hours were cut- to zero! Add to that he used the last of his money to pay fifteen hundred dollars to repair our only family vehicle. We struggled through the holidays. I feel like ever since he has met me I have been nothing but a drain on him and he would be better off without me. He is a saint to constantly pick me up and get me together day after day.
So I am having a hard time to say the least. My weight loss efforts re not a huge priority right now. I just wish that I would have at least paid more attention to my portion sizes. I may not be able to buy great healthy food, but I could have kept the calories in check. I will feel a lot better when I make that happen. I just need to keep trying no matter how much I want to give up. I have a healthy child and a great fiance who I love more than words can say. I am blessed! I need to pull myself together now and do what I can do to make things better for all of us, one step at a time (as my man would say.)