Truly a Miracle.
The past two days have been pure hell. My DH and I were barely talking I wasn't sure how he was feeling. He just seemed bugged and angry at me, and he even mentioned angry at himself in our brief conversation after I dropped the bomb on him that I am a raging alcoholic in the form of bulimia and have a serious ED. I was starting to seriously worry if our marriage was in danger. I was totally thinking that I should have just continued on with my ED and that it wasn't the right "time" to fix this.
Until about 5:30 this evening when I received this email from my husband:
Subject: All of This
I've done a lot of thinking the last 22 hours as well as a little reading/research about the disease and more specifically suggestions for what I can do to help you. I do want to help you and I want to be a support to you but it's all a little overwhelming right now. I love you so much and I just want for you to get better.
I need to tell you that I am incredibly sad and also angry. Just about the whole thing in general - I think in part because despite you saying you're not, several of the words and phrases you used made me feel as if I'm to blame. I feel this is important to let you know but it doesn't need to be discussed any further. I know you weren't intending your words that way and I am over that.
In my pondering I've come to realize that the best way I can help you is to first help myself. I can clearly see that I have been both an enabler and co-dependent. Neither of these makes me happy with myself. I am going to attend an al anon meeting this week and see what I think about that and go from there.
I am also going to focus on being healthy for me and the way I need to be healthy. I am working on how selfish that sounds but I know that you will being doing similarly for you. For me that means - I may be partaking in activities I find enjoyable that I have sometimes passed on. This will in no way effect the day in/day out operation of our household it just means instead of asking you if you want to go for a walk, bike ride, tennis, etc. I will just tell you that I am going. I will not extend an invitation to you but please know that YOU ARE ALWAYS welcome to invite yourself to join me. Again, this is not because I don't want you to go it's because I don't want to be told "no", or I'll go at such and such a time, or whatever. I also don't want to feel the responsibility of you going because you feel you have to - like I think tennis would have been last night.
Conversely I want to be a support to you - but that means I am SUPPORTING you. If you want me to go somewhere or do something you need to ask me specifically and have a plan. Please do not ask me if I want to go hang out and then ask me where - supporting you means supporting your plans (to me).
I love you and want you to get better. I know this is not easy for you and living the way you have been is not something you are "choosing". I think you will be more successful if you hook up with professionals that can help you with this, therapists, dieticians, doctors, whatever. You have tried to get past this on your own several times and, by your admission, it only works for awhile. I hope and pray that this will be the last fix.
We can do this, both separately and together.
That was the end of his email.
I am speechless. I have the best husband in the universe. I am so lucky. I was now crying happy tears with a heart full of peace and joy rather than sadness. Maybe there is hope and this IS worth it.
THANK YOU AGAIN Spark-FRIENDS you bring me a safe place to share my deepest thoughts.