Wednesday, January 09, 2013
A few days ago, I was working out with some AMAZING women I've been blessed to meet at my gym through my trainer, Sarah. And I have to admit... it is such a blessing to laugh at ourselves in an environment filled with love, support, and understanding.
Now, I met Sarah a year ago. I had already successfully lost a significant amount of weight, but was gaining it back at a rapid pace. And I had NEVER tried to incorporate fitness into my life. Diet, yes. Fitness, never. So my husband and I decided we would join a gym. I'd never been to a gym before and was TERRIFIED of it. My hubby was working, so I drove myself down there to join. And had a full blown panic attack in the parking lot. After the cold sweats and hyperventilating eased, I went inside and joined. The membership guy told me that hubby and I each got a "free session" with a trainer with our membership, and did I want a male or female? I told him I didn't care.
That evening, Hubby and I went back. I climbed onto the elliptical machine, thinking "How hard can it be?" I started pedaling.... then things just got jumbled up, and my un-graceful self literally fell off. Onto the carpet. In front of everyone. (Not one of my prouder moments). The membership guy I'd spoken with earlier came running out of his glass-enclosed office to ensure I was okay. He smiled and said, "I think Sarah would be the perfect trainer for you". Truer words were never spoken.
Sarah is the first person in my life who I've ever met and felt ZERO judgement from. Not even for a moment. She accepted my 310#, un-coordinated, un-athletic self completely. Instead, she just set about educating me. Teaching me how to use the equipment. Teaching me about my body and nutrition. Teaching me the basic math of weight loss and gain. And somewhere in the past year, we stopped being teacher/student and began being friends. When I ran my first race (a 1 mile fun run) last June, she ran beside me. When I had my miscarriage in August, she was the first person I texted after my husband. She is my biggest cheerleader while constantly pushing me to the next level. I think every single person should have a Sarah.
So anyway..... there I was in the gravity gym with a motley group Sarah has put together, grunting and groaning as she pushes us out of our comfort zones. We were talking about medical issues one of the ladies is experiencing and how it may be impacting her weight gain/loss. And I blurt out... "All my life I kept wishing for a thyroid problem. But darn it! My thyroid is perfect!"
And we all burst out laughing. Because it was so true. And so understood by this incredible group of women. We had all been there in our lives... actually wishing for a medical issue that would explain our weight issues. And for some people, it is true. For some people, there are medical complications. But for so many of us (particularly for me), it is not. I have endured some serious medical issues, and know the frustration and fear that comes with them. And my comment was rather flippant and probably disrespectful to those that do struggle with thyroid problems (although not meant that way!).
But for ME, it is another confrontation of the truth: My body is not broken. My mind was. For YEARS, I lamented, "I will do ANYTHING to lose this weight". Really, Judy Lynn? Anything? Will you consistently eat right? Will you stop the binge eating? Will you get off the couch and get active? Will you look your emotional demons in the eye and deal with them?
No. Those things I wasn't ready to do. My body wasn't the problem. It was the side-effect of the problem. My wounds weren't a problematic thyroid or gland issue. My wounds were emotional, and truer and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
Does my body have issues? Yes. Do I struggle to overcome things that are counter productive to weight loss? Yes. I've been struggling with PCOS since I was a young teenager, so I know how frustrating things like that can be. But I guess I'm ready to take responsibility for my weight, and the damage that I have done to my body. My PCOS is to blame for a lot of things.... but binge eating emotionally is not one of them.
I may be uncoordinated. I may be unathletic. I may be almost 39, and 80+# overweight still. But I am also capable. And I am determined. And I am worthy. Just as I am.
So with that thought..... I'm off to the gym! Look out elliptical! I'm no longer scared of you.