Wednesday, January 09, 2013
Well, ever since Finding Nemo, I have made it my mantra to "Just keep swimming!" There is value in perseverence. I am 20 pounds heavier since I was active in Sparks People. 50 pounds more than when I had Chelsi 2.5 years ago. It is really easy to feel like just giving up and accepting myself for what I am. The problem is, I can't accept it. It depresses me and I feel frozen or stuck so reminding myself to "keep swimming" as in keep trying is good. However, in life generally, I feel that I am pressing through. Just trying to "keep swimming" and get through the stress. Get through the emotions. Get through unhappiness. This, with the expectation that somehow at the other end, I will be less stressed, less emotional or happier. I get so busy with the work of "swimming" that I am not taking time to come up for air. I am not really living life. I am not addressing the things in my life that will ease some of this for me. Have you ever been afraid of water? I mean deathly afraid to get in over your head, paralyzing, crying fear that comes with it? I have. That is how I feel about the idea of coming up for air and doing something more that "just keep swimming" "just keep moving" find another home, find another job, look for the next opportunity and I am tired! But that is what I know and has become the comfort zone and I don't know if I can really look close at everything or if I want to. I am afraid of what I will find. I overcame my fear of deep water. I took swimming lessons and now I love the pool. I love to swim. I can jump right in and not be paralyzed even in the ocean or lake. This will require more from me. Being a career person in a very demanding position with a toddler, a school-age girl a husband and 2 adult children who need a piece of me plus church responsibilities and home responsibilities I don't know what more I have to give. I guess I will just keep swimming and trying and make better choices and continue to think. Thanks for tolerating my external rambling thoughts!