Wednesday, January 09, 2013
One year ago today, I was sitting at home, waiting for good news to come about my mom's heart valve replacement surgery. I was using the computer to keep myself from binging on everything in the kitchen. I was trying to remain hopeful while the tone of texts I was receiving from my dad & sister became evermore worrisome. I also used to it to ask for all the prayers people could muster for my mom. One year later, I still firmly believe that all of the prayers we received kept her alive long enough for us to get there & say goodbye.
I am equally as grateful for all of those prayers today, as I was one year ago.
Mom didn't make it. Tomorrow, the one year anniversary of her passing, will be difficult but no longer will it be unbearable.
The support I've received here has been overwhelming at times. I'm truly grateful for it.
Tomorrow will also be the start of a new chapter in my life. I've learned much in the past year about myself. I've accepted things about myself I didn't want to see. I've taken steps to heal & to become healthy again. I firmly believe that if my mother had not died in the prison that her body had become, i would not be on the journey I am on today.
I've worked hard to heal & to turn her death into a positive, motivating force to keep me on track to regain my health. mainly so that I don't join her earlier than I'm supposed to & to stay around for my husband & our girls. They all need me.
I faced the fear of dying too young, as I feel she died too young due to obesity related health problems, in the face. I'm facing it daily & daily it is becoming easier. I know this is a lifelong journey I'm on. I know this because once I regain my health, I will have to continue to make the positive choices that allowed me to get there.
So mom, even though I never heard you tell me that you were proud of me, I KNOW you'd be proud of me now.
I love you. I miss you. I think of you daily. Most of all, I thank you for showing me that I could face my fear...just as you did when you chose to have the surgery that ended your life, in an attempt to extend & improve your quality of life. i know you were terrified, but you went for it.
I'm going for it too, but it's because I want to live, not simply exist as you did during your final 10 years of life or so. I'm still mad that you didn't care for yourself earlier, but I understand it more than I did one year ago.