Wednesday, January 09, 2013
Ready to Say Forget It!
My frustration level this morning is off the scale.
I could not be more aggravated with myself right now. I hate everything about myself at this moment. My body image is horrible; my self-esteem is & has always been very low; I canít stop obsessing over money!
It is so hard for me to get ready for work each morning because I have to look at myself in the mirror & I literally HATE the way I look. I weigh more today than I have ever weighed! I know that there are people out there that would love to weigh 153.2 lbs., but I donít love it! On my 5í2Ē frame, itís NOT good!! I hate the way that my pants fall below my belly when I am sitting at my desk at work. I hate the way that my hair looks!! I hate the HUGE forehead that I have to deal with everyday! Right at this moment I cannot think of one body part that I am proud of!!!
My obsession with money is going to drive me totally insane!!! I have worried about money for so long that I do not know how to stop! All I can think about is how can I make more money? What can I sell, can I fit another job into my schedule, keep in mind I already have two! What can I do to make all my debt go away? Itís horrible; it totally assumes my daily life!!
My self-esteem is nonexistent! I just want to sleep all the time, in fact that is pretty much what I have done for the past two weeks while I was off work from my full-time job on vacation. I wasted two weeks! There were many things that I wanted and/or needed to get done & I donít think I accomplished one thing!
I set goals & never reach or stick to them; I make New Yearís resolutions that donít last 24 hours, I feel like the biggest failure!
At no time did I ever expect that I would be 40 years old, working two jobs, $67,000 in debt, divorced three times, etc. My life seems to be just one big joke.
I already take Cymbalta, not sure that it has been helping very much lately, can only imagine how bad it would be if I wasnít taking it! I do not know what to do!!!!!!
I canít seem to focus. I have had my full-time job for almost 21 years, and I really feel that if I donít get myself together I am going to loose it. I let things slide that I know I shouldnít. I spend most of my day worrying about my personal life & not focusing on my job.
Something really needs to change & I know that everyone tells me that I am the only person that can make those changes; I guess I just do not know how!!!
I think itís just time to give up.