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Ready to Say Forget It!

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Ready to Say Forget It!

My frustration level this morning is off the scale.

I could not be more aggravated with myself right now. I hate everything about myself at this moment. My body image is horrible; my self-esteem is & has always been very low; I can’t stop obsessing over money!

It is so hard for me to get ready for work each morning because I have to look at myself in the mirror & I literally HATE the way I look. I weigh more today than I have ever weighed! I know that there are people out there that would love to weigh 153.2 lbs., but I don’t love it! On my 5’2” frame, it’s NOT good!! I hate the way that my pants fall below my belly when I am sitting at my desk at work. I hate the way that my hair looks!! I hate the HUGE forehead that I have to deal with everyday! Right at this moment I cannot think of one body part that I am proud of!!!

My obsession with money is going to drive me totally insane!!! I have worried about money for so long that I do not know how to stop! All I can think about is how can I make more money? What can I sell, can I fit another job into my schedule, keep in mind I already have two! What can I do to make all my debt go away? It’s horrible; it totally assumes my daily life!!

My self-esteem is nonexistent! I just want to sleep all the time, in fact that is pretty much what I have done for the past two weeks while I was off work from my full-time job on vacation. I wasted two weeks! There were many things that I wanted and/or needed to get done & I don’t think I accomplished one thing!

I set goals & never reach or stick to them; I make New Year’s resolutions that don’t last 24 hours, I feel like the biggest failure!

At no time did I ever expect that I would be 40 years old, working two jobs, $67,000 in debt, divorced three times, etc. My life seems to be just one big joke.

I already take Cymbalta, not sure that it has been helping very much lately, can only imagine how bad it would be if I wasn’t taking it! I do not know what to do!!!!!!

I can’t seem to focus. I have had my full-time job for almost 21 years, and I really feel that if I don’t get myself together I am going to loose it. I let things slide that I know I shouldn’t. I spend most of my day worrying about my personal life & not focusing on my job.

Something really needs to change & I know that everyone tells me that I am the only person that can make those changes; I guess I just do not know how!!!

I think it’s just time to give up.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon emoticon
    1742 days ago
    I think it's time to start vision boarding BIG time! Envision your life the way you WANT it to be and then tear out pics from magazines that endorse that lifestyle.

    Start making yourself a 'project'! After all our biggest life lessons here on earth are to find our true potential and then inspire others to find theirs.

    Keep a journal and write to yourself as if you are your own best friend that you would be giving advise to.

    Of course the FIRST thing you would do is bolster her up with all of her POSITIVE qualities.

    That should keep you busy for awhile...because you know of course that you are LOADED with them.

    Patricia you are always the FIRST to encourage others, look at all those teams you led for so many months!

    That in and of itself was a FULL time job.

    You are always sensitive and thoughtful and inward looking. That too is a giant aspect in helping others and shining your sparkly light on their progress! emoticon

    You are a wonderful striver for excellence. Maybe too much so...and when you fall short of perfectionism...you go to the dark side. Try for just average for awhile. Average is great and perfectly acceptable if it helps you function at an easier keal.

    Take your job seriously, obviously you are GREAT at it or you wouldn't be there all these years later. But consider that it IS a job and give some thought into how really rotten things could go without it.

    I'd try my BEST to stay away from ANYONE or ANYTHING that reminds you of the past. You just don't need to go there right now.

    AND...MOST important of ALL...remember my all time fav quote in the universe.

    "Your focus is your reality!"

    As long as you keep awful~izing about how bad things are...they will continue to reward you with more awful.

    Easier said than done...but if you need to "fake it til you make it" now is the time my dear friend...now is the time.

    Even when things seem the MOST dismal...I repeat to myself...

    "Only she who attempts the absurd can achieve the impossible"

    And lastly...I truly believe those who pick the hardest life paths for themselves are the most enlightened!

    Hugs, hugs and MORE hugs...your sparkies love you to the moon and back...I hope you GET that and give a little of that love back to yourself in our honor! emoticon emoticon
    1746 days ago
    I think every single human feels just like this at some point in their life. (Maybe not the big forehead......LOL) But, mistakes loom BIG, money is a BIG problem, feeling hopeless, helpless and sometimes unworthy happens to us all....some at 14, some at 19, some at 30....40...50...65....80 years old!

    Relax. Find your therapist isn't helping (give them 6 months for you both to "connect") - find another one. Forgive yourself. Don't waste another precious minute of today thinking about the past. It's done! Today is what's important. Just get through today. Think about tomorrow - tomorrow.

    This will all pass. Know it. Believe it. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1759 days ago
    Patricia, what I noticed and want to comment on is the WONDERFUL support of your friends that you are surrounded with and hope that you feel it because that is what you need to reach out and absorb if you will right now. So much love, caring and excellent advise from friends that love and care from you. Add to that your "real" (who says your spark friends are not right?!*) life friends and loved ones, and the advise of a specialist and I hope and pray that you are SOON feeling much, much better in this still new year. emoticon
    1763 days ago
    This does not sound like depression to me (as a layperson...but as someone who has been depressed). It sounds like anxiety and maybe a bit of adult ADHD.

    You need a full evaluation by a psychiatrist. This sounds too complex for your generalist to really address.

    I hope that you can find some relief soon. In the mean time, do you really need to be weighing yourself? Do you have to look in the mirror? Perhaps just give yourself a little break from paying attention to how you look and focus on FEELING better.
    1765 days ago
    I have to agree with the others. It really sounds like you are suffering from depression. I would seek out a psychiatrist. They are MD's. If there is something medical, they would be able to write you referrals to find out.
    1765 days ago
    I just saw this and my friend - your evaluation process of yourself is backwards as I see it. You are a lovely woman, a great horsewoman, a super friend, and you're good looking, too. There's a lot more good about you than you seem to be willing to acknowledge.

    I agree with comments by others - start looking for the good things and refuse to pay attention to what you don't like. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. For example, I saw a man with piercings on his face and way too many tatoos the other day in the supermarket. To myself, I thought, "My gosh, who'd want to wake up and see that in bed with them?" I can assure you I would personally never want to get too close to a man looking like that - but there was a woman who came up and hugged him. Yes, she had hot pink hair and piercings of her own - and a few tatoos, but they were just right for each other. What I found off-putting and undesireable about that fellow, she found intoxicating.

    Try listing the good things about you - just the good. Look at that list and try to focus on even just ONE of the GOOD things, even if just for a short while. As to resolutions, maybe if you make a deal/pact/agreement with just one or two other people for just one or two things, you'll stick it out.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1767 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/15/2013 12:53:29 PM
    Ive just read your blog and my heart goes out to you. There are many helpful suggestions posted for you but really you need to seek help from your doctor who can refer you to whatever external services available to help you come to terms with how you feel, also review your meds.
    In regards to the debt problem ive no idea what sort of help agencies you could access to at least stop interest piling on.
    Anyway I hope you seek the help you need, take care
    1769 days ago
    first emoticon love sounds like you need it.have you not thought about declaring private insolvance,i don´t know how it works over there by you but over here you have to pay so much a month for 7 years and after that time the rest of the debts which might be left are dropped and you have no more debt.maybe check into it what options are available.a houshold book is also a good idea.have you check out some of the spark teams here that might help.like spark savings.just a thought.also learn to prioitise which debts should be payed first,if you could maybe make an agreement to your creditors,also remember the serenity prayer
    god grant me the serenity to accept the things i can´t change
    the courage to change the things i can
    and the wisdom to know the differance.

    hope this helps.if you need to talk you know where to find me.take care and keep smiling. emoticon
    1771 days ago
    emoticon if you need a break - take a break
    just don't leave us forever. we will always be here for ya.

    I have had to walk away. Get a few other things in life in order before focusing on me. I am sure others will disagree but it is difficult to try and change when you are standing in chaos.

    Best of luck getting things in order for yourself...
    whether you take a break from SP or not.
    1771 days ago
    Phew, that sounds like a serious case of anxiety and possibly adult ADHD. I have found that meditation really helps with my monkey mind. Yoga has helped dramatically with weight loss. The most powerful trick that I know to increase prosperity (and money) in your life is to let your subconscious handle it for you, before you fall asleep, in your mind just say 'Prosperity, prosperity, prosperity' three times. Its like letting your mind 'sleep on it' and telling your mind what to solve. This way you can trust that your mind will find the solution. The only trick is: you must let your mind do it. As for your body image: get some better pants. If they don't fit, go to the thrift store for an inexpensive pair or buy a pair of leggings at target. There is no reason to look at fat on your body and despair. Why? Because you release a lot of stress hormones when you do that including insulin (the fat storage hormone). As for your stress/anxiety: you might want to look into 'ashwaghanda', its an ayurvedic herb for anxiety. It helps me a lot when I feel stressy.

    There is one body part that you can be grateful for: your heart, because it is still beating. emoticon
    1772 days ago
  • BC062012
    I've been right where you are my friend! Take one day at a time......which at times can seem like an eternity. Then take one hour and even down to one minute at a time. YOU are worth all the positive you can give yourself. Hugs, Bev
    1772 days ago
    You are in my prayers. Things will improve with time but be very patient with yourself.
    Talk to your doctor about how you feel, maybe he can re-evaluate your medication.
    Please don't give up.

    1772 days ago
    Patricia, your not alone. I share the same weight struggles...money worries...I think I've pretty much run out of things to sell...but I look at some of my husbands collectables (aka junk) and think....ahhhh how much room in the house would that bring...and wahoo..the money...eeek.

    My weight is over 200...I'm sick of looking at myself...but I know that the only one that can really change that is me...and I gained a little back over the holiday because of the cakes and cookies that came into the office during the holiday...then there was the feel sorry for myself eating that I do every holiday because I don't have what everyone else has...then I get my crap together...and realize...I can't change my social life...but I can work on how I look at myself.

    SP says take small fitness breaks. So...maybe you should start small. Face one challenge at a time until you feel more positive. Work on things you can change...Like your weight. Boy, I know that feeling. I at least get my workout in. If anything...it makes me feel like I accomplished one great thing for myself...even if I flunk out the rest of the day...at least I did one thing.

    I will leave my phone in the truck and not pull up my personal email at work if I know I can't stay focused...and I'm amazed at how much work I can accomplish.

    I have pictures of things that matter on my wall paper at work and on my little wall and that brings a smile.

    Maybe seeing your doctor for a different medication would help...

    Sending you a big hug. I honestly know where your coming from.
    1772 days ago
    I understand how you feel. I hope you don't give up or say forget it. You ARE worth it! emoticon
    1772 days ago
    Get online and find some Al-Anon meetings in your area. Go to at least 1 a week - 2 would be better. Do it for 6 weeks before you make a decision about going longer or not. Just do it. I know it may not make sense to you now - just trust me! Two years ago, this could've been my blog post. Al-Anon literally saved my life!
    1772 days ago
    Have you thought about a re-organzation bankruptcy?? My dad did one, everybody got paid, and he had one payment to the court each month...all the bill collectors stopped calling, which helped his stress level. Good Luck!
    1772 days ago
    Oh, Patricia! So sorry you are having such a hard time. You do need to go to your doctor and explain to him/her how you feel. I think you are definitely depressed in spite of the medication. You may need a change in meds. I have had a lot of people tell me that they don't feel their Cymbalta works for them, so don't feel all alone.

    You are NOT a failure! You will get through this and the other side will be so much better. Remember that here, everyone loves you and wants to see you succeed. You are our friend and we will miss you if you decide to leave. Just hang in there, and remember, we are always here to listen and help in any way we can.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1772 days ago
    Big warm hug to you. I am so sorry for your pain. :( I don't agree with people who tell you "only you can make the change". These people clearly haven't suffered from depression.

    Please talk to your doctor like you did in this blog. Let him know the degree of frustration you're feeling. Maybe you need an increase in meds, additional med or just a change.

    You can feel better sweetie, and you will.
    1773 days ago
    emoticon emoticon Howdy! from the DFW area of Texas!

    Please read my blogs of 12/31/12, 1/2/13, and 1/7/13.

    I was taken off my old forever good medicine for leg tremors and put on a new medicine that was to stop them. Well, as you will read.......it didn't work. I sank back into a "Major Depression" that I had not been in since 4/2006. The side effects were severe and I got them severe. I take Cymbalta along with other psych meds and have been on them since my one and only hospitalization for depression in 4/2006. I have acquired the involuntary muscle movements from face to legs called "tardive dysknesia" (once you get it, it is permanent) that goes along with long term use of anti-psychotic meds.

    If I was you, I would go and see my doctor again and speak up and let them know how you are feeling and that you need some help. Unless anyone has suffered with this battle of the mind and emotions, only those who have, understand when I say that sometimes we've just gone our limit and no matter how much of a "talking to" that we give to ourselves to "perk up"-"straighten up"-"fly right", it just no longer works. You need to get to the doctor or you might consider to go to a "Psychiatric Emergency Room". They are forming more and more these days.

    Please don't think bad of yourself, disgusted, fed up or anything else. Help is out there....you just have to go and get it. If you can't physically take yourself, ask a family member, friend or neighbor to take you. YOU ARE WORTH IT! We here at Spark People are here for you!!!!!!!!!!! I can't tell you how much all of these people on this website helped me by just being here and sending encouraging and uplifting thoughts and words and prayers.

    Remember this:

    "Hold on to my arm......let's make this journey together" emoticon
    ("Paula's Thoughts")

    Have a blessed day and wonderful journey to the new you!
    Us 5'2" people have to stick together! emoticon

    Paula emoticon
    1773 days ago
    There are a ton of great recommendations here in the comments. Look at how many people here are rooting for you! Don't give up. As multiple people mentioned, now (especially now) is not the time to give up or leave SP. I hope you can find strength in the support here. I also recommend re-reading your blog post and pretending it was written by a friend, or even a stranger. What would you tell that person? Probably something much more gentle and forgiving than what you might say to yourself. Tell yourself what you would tell the stranger that wrote this blog. Things will get better. Take some small steps to care for yourself today.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1773 days ago
    1773 days ago
    Sounds like depression. I just went through this and had these days myself. So many things were going wrong in my life and breaking up with BF just added to everything. What was weird is that my depression was delayed. I was fine at first and determined to move on. I did all the right things...no contact, started something new, dating, do stuff to make myself feel better. Despite all my efforts, the depression came with a vengeance and everything that goes with it.

    I had a big important awards ceremony with the mayor and my bosses bosses boss. Guess what? I slept through it because I was having back problems and the meds knocked me out. Talk about irresponsible. I've been at my job for more than 10 years and I had never done something like that. I was so humiliated and felt like the biggest idiot. I just faced up to my mistake and took full responsibility but I still look like an incompetent ass. I just decided to forgive myself and let it go.

    All I can say is don't feel bad about feeling bad. Ride the wave and keep doing the things you know you are supposed to do. As they say, fake it until you feel it. Eventually this will get better and your self-esteem will return. I had great self-esteem and then it just didn't exist. Don't feel bad about that either. Doubt and uncertainty are all part of building a new life. Hang in there. I KNOW you will get through this.
    1773 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/9/2013 3:31:51 PM
    Depression is common - you are not alone. Money/food, same thing. There is something that needs to get figured out. Please don't give up. We're here for you and really do care.

    (((hugs & prayers)))
    1773 days ago
    I'll keep you in my prayers.
    I have been were you are.
    I am on third marriage. It
    has been good for both of
    us. He's third too. emoticon
    1773 days ago
  • CHERYLL1949
    I'm sorry you feel so bad about everything. I hope in time things will get better. You have some wonderful friends here to support you. emoticon
    1773 days ago
    emoticon Oh Patricia sweetie, I'm so sorry that you feel so low, that you feel so out of sinc. I agree with CAKEMAKER completely that you should find the beautiful, good in you. Think of your talents. You love for horses, your love for scrapbooking. I couldn't do that to save my soul! I lack imagination! What about your beautiful smile that lights up your eyes? See, there are so many things about you that just shine! Just think you've been such an awesome motivator on SP for so many people. Helping them in their time of need, including me! Now take that motivation and apply it to you! I wish that I lived closer that I could lift you up in person! Give yourself little goals, like 10 min. of exercise/day and give yourself credit for it! Just 10 min. is a good feeling with getting our heart rate up. I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm 5'2" also, and I'm 167.5# and that's alot over 153.2#. It's all in the mind. I feel so much better from being 232#! It's unbelievable of how different I feel! I know that I'll feel lots better at 153#, but in the meantime, I'll be happy with how slow it's coming off. Plateau big-time for quite awhile!! So just keep plugging along and don't ever give up. You're worth every pound and then some! Also, as far as money, I was thinking how thankful you can be that SP is free! Just think how much more you'd be in the hole if you were going to WW or Jenny Craig right now! Believe me, I know! I've gone to WW around 10 times and have spent so much of our hard earned dairy farming money, that it's sickening, but it's all water under the bridge and SP is the answer for me. It is for you too! You can't get any more support and love and care right here unless you would go to a counselor that could understand all your ins and outs! Love and hugs to you, Karen emoticon
    1773 days ago
    (Hugs) When you fill like giving up....Look up emoticon !
    1773 days ago
    Oh my friend, you are so deep in depression. You might consider talking to your doc about trying something other than Cymbalta, or maybe increasing your dose. You definitely need something to help you get through this slump. I have had 2 divorces, and I can't imagine where I'd be if I had to go through another one. I will be praying for you, and will put you through the prayer chains that I am part of. Wish I was close by to come see you.
    emoticon ,
    1773 days ago
    I am so sorry you feel that way!
    I could have written it. I have been married two times, divorced once. Was born and raised in
    in poverty! I get at times what I call a 'bag lady sydrome'. At times I am so depressed.
    I too have Fibro., also CFS. Plus others. The dr. took me off Savella. I always had good luck with it, now, it is absolutely horrible. If you'd like, drop me a SparkMail.
    1773 days ago
  • DIANER2014
    Sorry you're having a hard time but don't give up! I pray things will get better soon. emoticon
    1773 days ago
    1773 days ago
  • LYNSEY723
    I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time! Are you able to go to a counselor? I know sometimes people think it's a last option type thing, but maybe just talking it out with someone who isn't involved will be benefitial. Coming out of depression is almost impossible to do alone. You need someone to talk to! I hope you don't give up.............
    1773 days ago
    This would be the worst time to give up. Stop! Breathe! Then go back to taking the world on.

    Self-esteem. Every time you start looking at something you dislike about yourself, find something you do like. If you don't like that belly, then find another part you like, perhaps you have eyes that sparkle, maybe you have feet that are proportioned nicely, maybe you like your elbow. But you must make yourself refocus on the positive, there is always something you can find that is nice about yourself. Wear your sexy panties and make every day a little more beautiful.

    Money. Write down your monthly income and outgo. Then see what you can cut so you can start saving. It helps to write them down in columns. Start with bills that come in monthly, then work on things that may be optional things you may spend on. For the next month, keep all your receipts, small things may add up quickly and you may not notice it until it's there in writing. Pay off any credit cards, starting with the one that has the least amount on it first, then don't use it again. You'll feel a lot better when you have everything paid off, but that too takes time.

    Goals. Once again, write them down. Then write down the steps that will bring you closer to them. Prioritize which goals are more important so you can focus on one really well at a time before moving onto or adding on the second. Make sure they are attainable goals and not lofty things that might not be possible. Large goals can be chopped down into smaller goals that seem more attainable.

    Personal life coming to work. Bring a notebook so you can write things down and hide them in your desk until you can deal with them again at the end of your workday. It really helps to write things down so you can let them leave your mind when you need them to, but then you can revisit them later.

    Leave men alone until you have figure out how to love yourself and make yourself a priority in your life again. You need to find you and know who you are before you can find someone to compliment who you are. Enjoy being a single fierce woman!

    Most of all, no matter how you might feel right now, you are worth it! You are worth finding the beautiful you that exists inside you just waiting to come out. You are worth the choices that help you find that specialness that you are. You are worth taking things one step at a time, one problem at a time, one day at a time. You will get through this and you will find the light at the end of the tunnel.

    emoticon emoticon
    1773 days ago
  • -POOKIE-
    It's not time to give up.

    It never is.

    I would second the concept of talking to a professional about your state of mental health. It seems a horrible and big step, but honestly I consider seeing a counsellor one of the best things I did to recover myself after getting divorced, finding myself in huge debt (including court summons for unpaid council tax). It so helped to have an outside perspective on things.
    1773 days ago
    money - cutt back on ur spending habits, buy only used clothes no coffee shops or anything that is not 100% nessissary. every penny counts.

    workout - relive some stress go for walks.
    dont look in the mirror if it upsets you. get some bangs and hide ur forhead.

    try to be positive, listen to book or read books or movies about positive self image or just geral self help books.

    you can do this!
    1773 days ago
    Have you thought of talking to a counselor? Sometimes talking to an impartial person helps.

    I hope things get better for you soon. emoticon emoticon
    1773 days ago
    I know it's frustrating, I've been dealing with some of the same issues! Keep your chin up and take it one day at a time.
    1773 days ago
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