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4 days of thinking - one realization.

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Thank you everyone for all the well wishes on my neck! I’m doing much better and can actually turn my head to the left again! I’m still sore, I know that will last a while but seem that 4 days rest really helped.

Now, all that rest didn’t do much for getting me on track for the New Year. Yes, I know I needed it but needs and desires are different animals. And I desire to make 2013 my best year ever. That was on my mind heavily while my tuckus grew roots. My body wasn’t doing much the last 4 days but the old grey matter was working over time.

Then yesterday, during my first walk in days, it hit me. I’m nothing more than an “old” kid. I wear pig-tails and funky colored hair extensions (or dye as my mood deems). I like orange and purple nail polish. I have stuffed animals with a few that sing. I like cartoons and play video games. I laugh out loud. I sing (badly) in public if I like the song. I dance when and where I have room! I get on the ground to play with puppies. I splash in puddles and throw snowballs. I am not a grown up. I have “grown-up” things I have to do (work, bills, etc) but I am certainly NOT a grown-up. And I don’t want to be. I don’t want to grow up. Know what, I don’t have to and I’m not gonna!!!

When I hit that realization and made up my mind this is me it felt like I instantly lost 50 pounds off my neck and back. I felt lighter, heck – I felt like dancing (I did a bit). See, growing up has been part of the Drama Llama I’ve been dealing with. My dad’s wife, my kid sister, and members of my mom’s family don’t approve of me. I caught a ton of flack over the years for the way I am. They have made fun of gifts that I really liked. Told me I was a bad wife and mother. That is was my fault that my first marriage didn’t work and of course he was mean to me – he wanted a wife not a child. My make-up was wrong, my clothes were wrong, I WAS WRONG.

Add "friends" who "look up to" me and hubby as long as we behave they way they see fit. That we do for them they way we should! Add the catty back-stabbing women here at work who have NOTHING nice to say to me from how I look to the music I listen to to the way I act. Re-enforced the idea that I’m wrong.

I have tried through the years to be “right”. I really put an effort into it this year after all I’d lost weight, I was running (my sister’s hubby is a marathoner), started my own business, and was getting a good grip on things. I asked for proper gifts for Christmas, bought a skirt that comes to mid-calf, wore plain dress boots and a pretty green sweater. Had boy child and hubby dress the same way. We were 100% all American normal.

And I still caught flack! My hair is too dark, I should be going lighter at my age and adding highlights and my cut should be shorter (remember – I’m still trying to grow out the awful cut of mid-November). What is with all the earrings – even silver studs look stupid. And on and on and on. Not one compliment on my weight or notice of the changes I’d tried to make. I still needed way too much fixing to be presentable.

Now my dad did get me all my running gear, which I was thrilled with. I found out yesterday that he got me all that because he couldn't find anything else on my list that "felt right". And I have one cousin who made certain I had Visa gift cards I could use anywhere in the big family grab bag (she's on my dad's side of the family). And then my dad's family noticed my weight loss, teased about the "holes in my head" but it was good natured.

So I’ve been struggling with all of this for several weeks. Bouncing from Goth vests to cable knit sweaters. Pig-tails to hot rollers. I was watching people around me trying to see how they act/react so I could get it right.

But yesterday, in that moment during my walk I realized it didn’t matter. I don’t want to be anything like the people who pick on me! I don’t like them. They are depressing, nasty people who never have a good thing to say. They complain about everything and are never happy. They argue constantly. From everything I can see – they are miserable! WHY do I want to be accepted by people like that?!?! Guess what, I don’t.

I like me – the real me! It is hard but those that can’t accept don’t need to be here. I like being a kid. I like being silly. I want to have fun. So that part of the Drama Llama can find a new home. And I think I’m finally good with that.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Kitty, It sounds like you are on the right track. Isn't it amazing how the heavy load lifts when you get those big relizations and they guide you into what to do from there. Sounds like you were carrying alot of stress around with you. I have a son that sounds like a kindred spirit with you and all that you have shared has opened my mind more about how to let him know I think he is okay just the way he is. I really don't want him to be a clone of anyone else. We are all made so totally different and we try so hard to fit in and be like everybody else which makes us really unhappy. I applaud you for figuring all that out and now you have the key you need to say adios to Drama Llama. Good for you!!!! Susan
    1867 days ago
  • KERRYR2013
    I love this blog post, I've also come to a point in my life now where I only make time for the people that matter.. the people who love me for who I am and the rest can go bye-byes..
    I dont like being a 'grown up' either.. emoticon
    1868 days ago
    You go, girl!
    1870 days ago
    Well done & I like you too - JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!! You go sister!! emoticon
    1870 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1871 days ago
    Awesome. I have plaque in my room that says "never underestimate the power of a hissy fit." That is who i am i love to have fun and laugh i have not beaten all the demons that tell you your weird or different but i'm getting their. Lets make 2013 the year we learn to love ourselves for who we are not for who they want us to be.
    1871 days ago
    So Kitty whats your address? I'll be right over. I bet we can find some mud puddles to jump in.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1871 days ago
  • JUSTME29
    I think this is proof that you are, if fact, all grown up. You do the necessary things - go to work at t job you don't always like, pay the bills, take care of the house & family, you faced serious injury and recovery, and survived a nasty marriage and divorce. You can survive the naysayers, and you realize that those people really don't have anything better to do than knock down other people (kind of sad really). All of that, and you can still get down on the floor and play with the puppies, wear pigtails and throw snowballs whenever you want to.

    That sounds to me like a perfectly well-rounded, well-adjusted adult.
    1871 days ago
    I love your spontaneity...especially the pig tails. we are all unique and we can't be like everyone wants us to be...we shouldn't bother to even try.

    This year, we didn't do the gift exchange. It was awkward...but it turned out really fun. I had lunch with a couple friends I don't always have time for...I took a friend horse back riding...I made dinner and had people over. It was fantastic. No pressure to buy things for people. No pressure of what to tell people to give. And no criticism...

    I'm glad your dad's family noticed your weight loss. That is so that feel good world.
    1871 days ago
    Personally I think "growing up" is overrated! I think it's great for you to accept who you are and forget those who don't like it. Why do you think I make video games for a living? emoticon We still watch cartoons! If your family really loves you they'll accept you for who you are. If the people you know and are friends with really are your friend they'll accept you for who you are. All of your friends here on SP like you for who you are and don't care whether you act like a kid or whatever! We all like you for you are!!

    1871 days ago
    Each of us is unique and wonderfully made. Glad you're freeing yourself to be just you.
    1871 days ago
    Sweetheart, you are beautiful just the way you are. Don't you change for anyone! God created you with your own unique personality, likes, dislikes, gifts and abilities. God loves you - and I love you - and your husband and boy child and your true friends love you for who you are, the way you are.

    What a boring world this would be if everyone looked the same, liked only the same things, and behaved all the same way! Ignore the naysayers... these kind of people will never be satisfied no matter how much you try to change or accomodate them. Some people are determined to NEVER be at peace with you... but that is their problem, you don't have to make it yours. Ignore them and go about your business. Hold onto your peace even if they can't control themselves. You should "like" you. You should LOVE you! We do! emoticon emoticon Karen
    1872 days ago
    woop whoop!
    emoticon for keppin it silly emoticon
    1872 days ago
    ! Be Kitty - she is AWESOME! I am glad you are beginning to love and accept yourself. People who disapprove can just stew in their own boring, judgy, stinky juices.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1872 days ago
    It's ok to be a kid in adults ski as long as you take care of the big girl stuff when needed. You may not be getting any younger on the outside, but you don't have to grow up all the way inside. I am glad you are feeling better now.
    1872 days ago
    There are some people, and these sound like some of them, that you never would please no matter what you did. Who wants to be the same as everyone else anyway? I'm trying to be more childish with every passing year.
    1872 days ago
  • OPTIMIST1948
    The people who bought you gift cards and noticed your weight loss - friends as well as family. It is wonderful of you to KNOW who you are. BE who you are. ACCEPT who you are. DONT fit into the mold of "adulthood" - there will always be those that are unhappy and pick on others; they bring themselves up by bringing you down to their level.

    We love you JUST the way you ARE!
    1872 days ago
    Yay! Why be normal? Seriously, do we want to impress peple who are nasty? No! Not no, but HFN! You my young friend can figure that one out! Be silly and laugh alot! Roll around with puppies! I can't think of anything more enjoyable! In the grand scheme does it matter what color your hair is? HOw many piercings you have? Whether you have pig tails or perfectly coiffed hair? HFN!
    1872 days ago
    Oh my goodness. This is a fabulous blog and you are sooooooo right! You need to be YOU. Nothing else is going to feel right. We are ALL created to be who we are. What a bland world this would be if we have to all fit into the same "box". You now, there is such truth in the saying that you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family, and many times you would choose differently for your family. Don't get me wrong, I love my familly and we are very fortunate that we get along. But I know so many cases where that just isn't the case.

    I think it is absolutely wonderful, and important, to retain childlike qualities in life. That keeps us young, frankly.

    Be true to you!

    1872 days ago
    You are beautiful just the way you are and if you decide you want to wear your hair in hot pink rollers out in public, well it's your hair & you should do that if you want!! You're a sweet person & don't forget that.

    emoticon emoticon
    1872 days ago
    You know, I've always found those who stress conformity lack vision, imagination and have an awful lot of trouble thinking their own thoughts, usually waiting for someone to give them their opinions for them. I think they come down hardest on those who resist conforming because they feel threatened by people who have the courage to do the things they don't have the guts to do themselves.

    You know what, Paws? You're eccentric. Don't be ashamed of it, embrace it! Quite frankly, being eccentric means you have the confidence to do what you feel like doing, when you feel like doing it. When you lose that confidence, being eccentric becomes being weird (though quite honestly, I use to revel in my reputation of always being the weirdest person in the room so I hardly consider that an insult either).

    Either way, if you feel you have to change yourself to fit into the group you're with, chances are you're in the wrong group.
    1872 days ago
    That is so cool! You should just be you, because really you are the important one you have to impress... nobody else.
    1872 days ago
    You really have to like yourself before anyone else can.
    I am so sorry to read that you are in this position. There are times we have to be selfish.
    1872 days ago
  • LANA2520
    hey girl who care what people say u only live one time and live it the way you want not wat people want you to be because then you will never be happy in you tell them girl.and who care how old you are age is just a number that how i see it i dont belive if your old you have to act old and if your young you have to act like it no.but i love your blog alot because i have people like that that want me to change because im married and have kids they want me to act older and stop acting like im in high skool but they dont know that i just start my life im only 22 years im on with you on that let that hater hate.
    1872 days ago
  • CIPHER1971
    I loved this blog, it made me cry for me (yep totally selfish) because I am having lots of the same battles cos I don't fit in the box they want me too, or any of the boxes they have, so I CHEER YOU, I celebrate YOU, and I want YOU to be just how you are, cos that means there is hope for me and the rest of us grown up kids emoticon

    and finally as I often declare in stuffy meetings 'when I grow up I want to be an astronaut'

    Have a fantastic day
    1872 days ago
    HUGS. You are awesome the way YOU are - no matter what ANYONE says.
    1872 days ago
    Dude, right on! The big thing around here (in the 'hood, yo) is "I'm doin' me." So you know what? You go ahead and do you Momma!
    1872 days ago
    emoticon emoticon In case you didn't know, that's two thumbs up for you. It's hard enough just haivng to survive in this world. It's even harder when you have such opposition. It sucks. I've been there.

    Instead of thinking about what everyone wants you to be and what's going to make them happy, get ready to impress YOU! Dress and look however it is that when you look in the mirror you are pleased. You feel good. You are happy. The one in the "normal" attire isn't it.

    Then tell them they can just kiss your arse if they don't like it. We like you just the way that you are. No changes required.
    1872 days ago
    Be true to who you are! You've already seen how changing yourself will not change others. It is sad how the people who should support us the most are the ones who let us down.

    Don't let the "emotional vampires" get you down.
    1872 days ago
    The ONLY person we have the power to change is ourselves AND only if we want to. You're perfect just the way you are! emoticon
    1872 days ago
  • 1EMMA2011
    When people criticize me I say the truth back. "You are wearing that??" "Yes I am" - "You are late!" "Yes I am" (Bradshaw - Healing the Shame that Binds you - great book) Identity is what I struggle with too. You are right - it doesn't matter. Because there is no winning. The only one that can validate you is you. People pleasing doesn't work. People don't understand creative types. I am one too. I can really relate. (If I had a dollar...) I think you are on the right track and am proud to call you my SP Friend. I wish you could leave your job and do your business full time. Maybe soon.

    God Bless, You are amazing!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    1872 days ago
    I'll just tell what I try to do in my life: I only care about the opinion of people I respect. For all the others, who I don't like/respect/admire, who cares about what they think of me?

    Each of us is unique and we should all try to have around us people who appreciate us for what we are and not for what they want us to be.

    1872 days ago
    What the hell is normal? no one would know normal if it bit them on the ass!

    Screw the world, be yourself!

    1872 days ago
    shall i call you abby kitty.abby from navy cis how you just discribed yourself reminds me of abby and a bit of me deep down lol.especially the singing and dancing part in yourself why should you be a poor imitation of what people want you to be when you can be a great you. emoticon i think yu are great just the way you are. one of my favorite songs is i am what i am,and what i am i make no excuses.listen to all the words of this song then say to everyone else f*** you if you don´t like me it is your problem not is your loss. emoticon
    1872 days ago
    will you stop blaming yourself? so what if you're a kid? so am I and a lot of cool people (admire my modesty please emoticon ). next time someone is criticizing you say - thanks , I don't like how you look either . you decide how to be or how to live your life.I was still a child when I quit trying to be like everybody else, I never could anyway. if they don't like me , it's their doesn't mean anything if they don't love you. love means accepting the other exactly how he is . just be how you like to be and true to yourself and you will feel good. emoticon
    oh , and my real age would be between 3 and 5 emoticon
    1872 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/9/2013 10:57:14 AM
    I think you're emoticon and don't change. As long as you are happy with yourself that is the only thing that matters. Heck with the the rest of them.

    I'm a 20-something trapped in the 50 old body and no one is stopping me from having my fun.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1872 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/9/2013 10:53:15 AM
  • LEB0401
    What a refreshing post!!!

    Your realization is astounding, I'm so happy for you.
    1872 days ago
    I have been guilty of the same thing--trying to make myself into someone that I'm not in order to be liked. But you know what, the person I was making myself into was not me and was never going to be me. One of my favorite quotes is "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." (Eleanor Roosevelt) Remember that when someone laughs, teases, or anything else, and just walk away. Who cares what that person thinks?

    Another favorite, by Dr. Seuss, "Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you."

    I like you just the way you are. Don't ever forget that!

    1872 days ago
    Good for you realizing and accepting who you are! It's amazing to me that those who are supposedly closest to us, be it through blood or friendship, are often times the most cruel. I tend believe that society in general has forgotten what manners are and when you should use them-which is all the time!
    1872 days ago
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