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    AMANDACOETZER   33,546
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Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Being a mother is one of the most difficult things I have ever done and that I have to do.

Our son is 17 years old and an only child. He is the light of my life and I thank God for him every day, but some days my prayers are more fervent pleas for endurance and not strength, because then I might kill him! Lol.

I've realised that, over the years, I have done things, which I thought was good things, but I now see that I did Shaun more harm than good. Like helping him with homework and projects. Now, he "can't" do it on his own. I had to realise that I have to let go and the last two years haven't been easy. Watching him struggle, not doing his projects and getting 0. Nearly failing grade 10. Last year(grade 11) he did better but still not near his potential and I know that I have to take part of the blame for pampering him.

Today was his first day of matric! I am nostalgic. I remember the little boy who always came to me with all his problems and I always tried to help. Sounds like the right thing to do, doesn't it? And up to a certain age it is our responsibility to help our kids, but I never let him help himself and I never let him learn from his mistakes. Now he is a young man who stays at home all the time except for the times he goes to "lan's" with his friend. He has never been to a party or club(which is a good thing), doesn't drink or smoke(also good) and I can convince myself, sometimes, that we didn't do a bad job with raising him - and we didn't! But on the other hand I see that he doesn't have the skills to go out in the adult world and make adult decisions...

I have changed and I'm not that overindulgent woman that I used to be, but is it too late for my son? Did I do so much damage to his self-esteem and development that he's going to suffer for what I thought was love?

I pray that God would grant us His favor and reverse the damage that I have done! I believe that there is nothing on this earth that is so bad or so far gone that God can't do anything about it and I gave Shaun over to Him!

You might be wondering where my husband was during all these years and that is the other of my confessions. Lourens told me through the years that I am coddling Shaun too much, that I have to let go, not to do the homework and projects for/with him so that he could learn to do it himself. Like the bible says, there is nobody as deaf as the person who chooses not to listen and to my shame, that was me. I asked my husband and son for forgiveness and that is where we are now.

With God's forgiveness and help I have changed(not that it's easy) and Shaun has started to emerge from his shell and I pray that he will have a wonderful and bright future!

Being a mother is one of the most difficult things I have ever done and that I have to do.

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
1STATEOFDENIAL 1/9/2013 2:44PM

    One thing to remember is that your son also made his decisions. By the time a kid is in school they're able to understand their actions and how they treat others (maybe not the full consequences, but enough). As in everything, as long as you don't give up most things can be changed. Be a mother bird pushing the baby bird out of the nest. If he is going to live with you for the next few years (after turning 18 of course) then he must have a job or be in some type of school (college, tech school, etc). He must pay rent (even if it's only a $100/month) and pitch in for other bills like tv and internet. Bring him along when you go grocery shopping and teach him how to use a coupon and how to decide what foods to eat, then bring him in the kitchen and have him help with the cooking. Teach him the life skills he must know to be a successful adult.

You can spend your time apologizing for what you did/didn't do when he was a kid or you can spend your time teaching him the skills that he needs now. No parent is ever perfect and must learn as they go, but that also means trying a new course of action when it is determined that what was tried before didn't work. He can't always rely on everyone else to take care of him for the rest of his life, so teaching him the skills he needs will help him be more self-sufficient.

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SWEETNEEY 1/9/2013 9:23AM

    My dear, I think you are being too hard on yourself. I am a single mom and my only child (son) is 14. I think we have to raise kids based on what we think their needs are. There is no blueprint that says what you did is the right or wrong way and what your husband did is the right or wrong way. My position is that we make decisions based on the information we have at that time and then the child also makes decision based on the information he/she has at the time. Each child has its own personality and while I wish I have a crystal ball to see into the future, I say to myself you did or are doing your best.
I understand the 'killing part'. My son is in that stage and I give him my opinion and he ignores it. But if the teacher or coach says the same thing, it's gospel. But I guess we were all like that when we were young, no matter how non-technological the age may have been. There is always something running in the background during the ages.
I makesure make time for me and I let him know these are my plans so if you don't tell me yours then you on your own buddy.

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