Wednesday, January 09, 2013
Yesterday I made a disturbing revelation. I was driving home from Zumba, thinking about my journey, trying to figure out where I took the wrong turn. When I first started Spark last January, I was pumped. I had read so many phenomenal stories of strength, perseverance and SUCCESS! More importantly, I developed a strong belief that I too could become thin. Not just healthier, but strong, lean, buff...thin. For about 8 months I maintained that confident march toward my goals. All I had to do was just do it and the rewards would be mine. And they were. I never for a second thought I would ever be a size 2. That's not what I'm talking about. I would be happy with a size 6, maybe 8. Whatever weight that is.
Until I stopped believing. That was my revelation last night. I realized I no longer have faith that I will be able to reach my goals; that I will ever be thin. I still know it is possible and I am continuing to strive toward that ever elusive vision of myself. I just don't seem to have the BELIEF.
Don't ask me why. I don't know.
As a result though, I feel myself pulling away from you. Have you noticed that too? I'm sorry.
This morning is a weigh day for me. After gaining 13 pounds over the holidays (yeah, you heard that right), I am more than a little scale shy. This past week I've been faithful to my exercise goals, moderately faithful to my eating goals and doing better on water. I broke down and had 2 sodas over the holidays. They weren't anything great and I'm not tempted by them now. I'm only drinking water and still struggling to consume 8 cups.
Over the next month I will be searching for that conviction I CAN in fact do this long term. That I CAN in fact drop to a size 6. I will be softly singing (out of key, of course) "Come on baby, light my fire."