Tuesday, January 08, 2013
So, since I always seem to find clarity while blogging, I decided I would do it here because I can accomplish so much in doing so:
A. Tattle on myself, which makes me accountable which usually ends the negativity.
B. Have record of the issue
C. Figure out what my problem is while blogging.
Here's the scoop:
The last couple weeks, I've kinda.... been having a crazy appetite. And for the most part, I eat because I need to eat to be healthy, but here lately, I've been craving and consuming the worst of the worst and without any regard. I've also lost my drive for exercise and being sociable, unless its with my current love interest.
I didn't even give it a second thought until I realized I went through an entire pot of coffee yesterday and still felt tired (and I quit having coffee all together somewhere around a year ago.)
I realize this is the slide. I'm on it. Oh yeah, the downhill slide.
I know this slide all too well... its not the fun slide at the park that you loved as a kid...
its the slide straight to the depths of hell.
Gotta knock it off.
Issues that could cause emotional binge eating:
1. I dumped my best friend about a month ago. I realized he was super negative and had no real goal, aspirations or positive things going on. I told him he's not good for me and to please step out of my life and not return. Though I know its for the best in the end, its still hard.
2. In shopping for a new best friend, I met a great guy. We recently got rather serious and I have found myself sneaking off to his house late last night just to ***gulp*** snuggle.
Yes. Little miss stay-out-of-my-personal-space-
or-I'll-cut-you needed a snuggle.
It was a great snuggle too. I love him in my space and just seeing him smile makes my soul happy. He's super awesome... a great dad, a good businessman, the best friend ever...and he's smart and funny and handsome.... Ohhhh man, he's something else...
I've been single for a year and I've rather enjoyed it. I had moments where I almost broke down and gave up on my being single for a year.... but I did it. Now that my year is over, times I finally decided that I would be boyfriended...however, once I got use to not having a man to lean on, I learned how to stand on my own and somehow switched gears and became afraid of relationships. ... I decided that's not healthy either and I want a healthy relationship, with a good man and try my best to not be a commitment phob. As it progresses daily, I realize I'm getting more and more scared. I've been curled up in my apartment all day, eating and not doing much else. I've decided in the last hour: I don't like this.
back to triggers:
3. My ex moved back to town and we went from getting along to being on edge every time I see his face. The fact that he is breathing air that I might want is annoying. His existence annoys me. He annoys me beyond measure. He's so disgusting. You don't even want to know, so I'll spare the juicy details, but I'll tell you- I'm beginning to think the assault charge would totally be worth it.
4. School is over and I am in some serious transition with work and all that stuff and deciding if I even want to stay in Arizona... just lots of changes and changes are scary...
Wow. I just sat here and did some quick math.
I have consumed roughly 3,000 calories today and haven't done a thing. Nothing all day. Nothing.
Ho. Ly. Sh!t.
Ok, moving forward.
Positive things to tell myself:
1. Participating in negative behaviors will not make situations more positive.
2. Comfort eating causes discomfort of the worst sort.
3. The simple act of running cures 90% of my emotional problems.
4. Crying is better than eating a fist full of biscotti. And it burns calories. Probably should have taken that route instead. Next time, for sure.
5. Its good to have days like this, because it reminds me that a healthy lifestyle should never be completely on coast and I should always try my hardest, do my best and never cave.
And I'm not waiting until tomorrow to repair this either.
I'm putting on my Vibrams and going to Reid Park and I'm going to jog until I'm not angry anymore. I'm not going to run until I feel I've burned 1,500 calories or anything crazy like that... just until I feel like I love myself more than I hate my food consumption today.
Goals as of right now:
1. Lay off the coffee.
2. Get back to my exercise regime.
3. Learn to accept a relationship and love without fear.
4. Not rely on food to comfort me. I should just call Chuck and talk things out... that's what boyfriends are for.
5. Relearn patience with my ex husband. (I had to back space and take 'idiot' from that sentence).
6. Positively positive, all the time. Always.