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Very Sad

Tuesday, January 08, 2013


I don't know why I'm writing this...... I am hoping more so that one day I can remember and learn from this experience. When I am at peace with my Eating Disorder. Where I could even possibly thank it??? for shaping who I am in the future.

I wonder if posting things on a Spark-Message-Board or on a Blog is wise or self-serving or something negative. I worry that maybe I will be mis-judged or mis-under-stood, BUT...

I do believe this is the right thing for me. I know that Heavenly Father really does LOVE me and want me to be healed once and for all. I am sobbing as I write this.

If anyone out there is familiar with the 12-Step Program... I am trying to work on steps 4 and 5. It's AWFUL and feels like the wrong thing to do. I want to go back to the numbness by eating. This seems to hurt far worse than a bloated stomach and throwing up does. As I finally pick myself up off the bathroom floor (literally) I had to try to put on a happy face for my kids, and I knew they'd be leaving in about 45 mins. so I pretended to go relax and take a bath. All the while... quietly sobbing on the floor.

I am having doubts about posting this as I write but... I guess I can hit delete after too. Nobody will read this right.

To throw in a *Spark* of hope... the 11 days I've been back on Spark have brought me peace and balance again to my eating and exercise. It's been nothing short of miraculous. Of course I thank God first and foremost but man.... Spark-People is a close second. I have been binge / purge free for 6 days. It may not seem like a lot, but since my marathon last MAY probably more starting heavily in June... I've been binge-ing and purge-ing every day. EVERY day. I have a normal day until about 4:30 when I am coming home from work. I CAN'T BELIEVE it. I don't know how / why when I love my family so much. It hurts that I feel like I am destroying it.

I am a spiritual person and have felt so internally torn apart. I feel like such a hypocrite. I feel like all the little tiny bit of good I have ever done is all undone by my food behaviors. I feel like even my weight loss and fitness is not looked upon positively when at one time it was all so healthy and I lost weight in the beginning the "healthy" way. Doesn't matter.

I didn't mean for this to be what this has become. I could go into such sadder details of the past 10 years of this off and on bad behavior. A spoon stuck in my throat was a good one... I've actually hid saying most of this for fear of being looked upon as dirty, gross, disgusting, weak, I don't know just yucky. I AM yucky, but I am just feeling strongly that it's finally time to come clean and start being completely honest. I have tried to work this 12 - step program for food sooooooooooooooo many times and have realized I always get stuck at 5 and never come all the way clearn.

I want to focus truly on the positive: I WILL get better. Spark-People can help CURE Eating Disorders. Can you believe that??? I DO! It will, it already is...

I am worth it.... Just like I tell my other Spark-People friends. Please don't think of me as the weird eating disordered chick. The bulimic... think of me as



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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I may be going over your old blogs and reading them. I'm in a different generation than you are, but I struggled with an ED, too. I was relatively young- about 14/15- and Spark's sister site, SparkTeens, helped me cope, along with a lot of scripture reading and a good friend.

    While I don't condone or encourage EDs, I do find strength in my personal struggles. We are never given a trial we can't handle, and each "problem" we encounter in this life has the ability to serve the purpose of strengthening us, learning to love, learning to lean towards our Heavenly Father.

    So, I'm here on the other side of a similar struggle, letting you know that it can get better, and someday, you can look back and see the good coming through- not from having the ED necessarily, but from learning to overcome it.
    1838 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1839 days ago
    OK, I just googled the steps - I can totally see how 4 & 5 are making you uncomfortable. But in reading your post, I can relate. We ALL can relate. Because NO ONE is perfect! It's OK to feel yucky sometimes, but trust me, you are NOT a yucky person! :D

    Remember to separate your feelings, which are temporary, from who you ARE. Just like we are more than our appearance, our weight, our marathon finish times, we are more than how we feel!

    Another thought, and take this with a grain of salt as I am not a trained professional.... when we make a big deal out of our problems, we give them power over our lives. Let's look at what you posted, that you do really well all day and then at 4:30pm you start bingeing. What if you said to yourself, 'Self, it's OK to go home and overeat. If you feel like it. If you don't, it's OK to take a nap, phone a friend, go for a walk. But if you do eat, it's OK" - would you feel like that takes some of the power away from your ED? I dunno - it might make things worse... but just from reading your blogs, it seems like if you demote the importance of bingeing and purging from your life, you remove some of its power over you.

    1839 days ago
  • HEIDI-25
    Honesty is good. I don't profess to know anything about eating disorders or any other kind of addiction so my thoughts on this are just my own. I think that you have courage to post here. Sparkpeople is a supportive group. It might be wise to seek out professional help, one on one or in a small group. While blogging and the knowledge (following) of the 12 step program is going to help some people to beat this, a professional that is nearby or just a phone call away, might be helpful to you in beating this addiction once and for all. We wish only the best for you and your family. Good luck and continue to keep us updated :)
    1839 days ago
  • DRB13_1
    Dear one, keep working the 12 steps and keep working the Spark.
    When we put healthy, positive steps into our daily routine, that leaves less or no time for the detrimental things. The beauty of Spark is we are developing lifelong habits, learning and practicing and getting support and rewards a day at a time.
    I wish you well and know that you will be "stronger" as you deal with and overcome the eating disorder... and be able to help others because you have been THROUGH the ordeal yourself.
    Tears can be healing, and God keeps each tear in a bottle, just as he knows the number of hairs on our heads.
    1839 days ago
    I think you are very brave and strong to be able to write this. Facing our issues head on and dealing with them is HARD. If it was easy, all of us would be in great shape and have excellent mental health. As we are all human, that is not the case for most of us. We all have struggles, some are harder than others. Yours is hard. But it is inspiring to me that you can be so brave. We have been spark friends for a while, and sometimes you hang out with the swimming for cardio team, so I've been following your progress off and on for quite some time. I had no idea you were dealing with bulimia though. It is a tough thing. But you are tougher. And you have the support of your faith and your friends and family to see you through this.

    Keep blogging. I truly believe sharing will help you and allowing others to help you will strengthen you along your journey as well. Peace to you.
    1839 days ago
    Nettie, You are a beautiful women, always remember that. Take one day at a time, celebrate all the successes you have, no matter what size they are. I admire you for doing this blog and believe this step will help you with even more success stroies to blog about. I wish you the best on your healthy lifestyle journeys you will be on. YOU GO Girl GO emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1840 days ago
    Hi Netty,

    I happen to have a copy of 12-Steps at hand. WooHoo!!! So, what I'll do is study it for a little while and get back to you, OK?! Meanwhile, hang in there, Girl!! All a person can do is do their best, even by coping as best as they can, as in Lennon's "Whatever gets you through the night. It's alright." Hope that you'll be more careful with your spoon from now on and that it's OK that I've added you as Friend, so I can find you back real easy. Please, add me back. I do think that you are on the right way already, as I briefly glance over Step 5. Writing this blog was the right thing to do.

    1840 days ago
    I READ IT! And you are worth so much more! Good for you for coming clean! Doesn't it feel good to get that stuff off your chest? I know when I let my skeletons out of the closet I feel better even if I think they were horrible to begin with.

    You can do this. Who doesn't have those things we wish we could change about ourselves? We are here for you! emoticon You are anything but "digusting" "weak" or "yucky" to me. There are days I wake up waiting to read posts from you because I know we are in this TOGETHER.
    1840 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/8/2013 11:00:23 PM
    I think you are incredibly brave and inspiring. I don't know that there is time when an eating disorder can be less painful. I do think that you are taking the steps to overcome and take control. It can be lonely facing this. You have been a source of support for many here myself included. I hope you draw strength from the many here who support you. emoticon
    1840 days ago
    Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. When you can name your issues they no longer can have the same power over you. Netty, God does love you as you are today. Know that you have my prayers and support.
    1840 days ago
    I did read this. Thank you for being so honest. How do I think of you? I think of you as Netty, a new person I've come across, who is a brave woman for trying to come to terms with difficult things in her life. I hope for nothing but the best for you, and you're in my thoughts and prayers.

    1840 days ago
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