I don't know why I'm writing this...... I am hoping more so that one day I can remember and learn from this experience. When I am at peace with my Eating Disorder. Where I could even possibly thank it??? for shaping who I am in the future.
I wonder if posting things on a Spark-Message-Board or on a Blog is wise or self-serving or something negative. I worry that maybe I will be mis-judged or mis-under-stood, BUT...
I do believe this is the right thing for me. I know that Heavenly Father really does LOVE me and want me to be healed once and for all. I am sobbing as I write this.
If anyone out there is familiar with the 12-Step Program... I am trying to work on steps 4 and 5. It's AWFUL and feels like the wrong thing to do. I want to go back to the numbness by eating. This seems to hurt far worse than a bloated stomach and throwing up does. As I finally pick myself up off the bathroom floor (literally) I had to try to put on a happy face for my kids, and I knew they'd be leaving in about 45 mins. so I pretended to go relax and take a bath. All the while... quietly sobbing on the floor.
I am having doubts about posting this as I write but... I guess I can hit delete after too. Nobody will read this right.
To throw in a *Spark* of hope... the 11 days I've been back on Spark have brought me peace and balance again to my eating and exercise. It's been nothing short of miraculous. Of course I thank God first and foremost but man.... Spark-People is a close second. I have been binge / purge free for 6 days. It may not seem like a lot, but since my marathon last MAY probably more starting heavily in June... I've been binge-ing and purge-ing every day. EVERY day. I have a normal day until about 4:30 when I am coming home from work. I CAN'T BELIEVE it. I don't know how / why when I love my family so much. It hurts that I feel like I am destroying it.
I am a spiritual person and have felt so internally torn apart. I feel like such a hypocrite. I feel like all the little tiny bit of good I have ever done is all undone by my food behaviors. I feel like even my weight loss and fitness is not looked upon positively when at one time it was all so healthy and I lost weight in the beginning the "healthy" way. Doesn't matter.
I didn't mean for this to be what this has become. I could go into such sadder details of the past 10 years of this off and on bad behavior. A spoon stuck in my throat was a good one... I've actually hid saying most of this for fear of being looked upon as dirty, gross, disgusting, weak, I don't know just yucky. I AM yucky, but I am just feeling strongly that it's finally time to come clean and start being completely honest. I have tried to work this 12 - step program for food sooooooooooooooo many times and have realized I always get stuck at 5 and never come all the way clearn.
I want to focus truly on the positive: I WILL get better. Spark-People can help CURE Eating Disorders. Can you believe that??? I DO! It will, it already is...
I am worth it.... Just like I tell my other Spark-People friends. Please don't think of me as the weird eating disordered chick. The bulimic... think of me as