Where Do I Begin...
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
I haven't been doing so well the past month or two. And I'm not just talking about weight loss. I'm depressed. I've tried to tell myself it's not that bad and did a pretty good job staying relatively positive, but I'm feeling really weighed down lately. I've been unemployed for about a year and 3 months. Just that statement is depressing. A year and 3 months. How does that even happen? Why does it seem so impossible to get a job? I'm finally getting interviews, so that's a step in the right direction, but I'm still getting passed over. I'm not giving up, but man I just feel so helpless. I want so badly to work. I want to feel useful again and like I'm contributing something to the world. But I can't make this happen. Someone has to choose to give me a job.
Due to my stress about the job search I have been having major issues falling asleep. The past few days I've gone to bed at about 4am. That's not much earlier than most people are waking up for work!! Then I sleep till noon. It's such a waste of my day! I wish I could get a prescription for some sleeping pills, cause the over the counter stuff just doesn't cut it. I'd prefer not to take anything at all, but it's the only way for me to get sleep with the weight I feel on my shoulders. When I go to bed all I can think about is the stress of how badly I need a job. To get a prescription I'd have to go to the doctor. I don't have insurance, so that means I'd have to pay for the doctor's visit and then for the prescription out of pocket. I just don't have the money to pay for a doctor's visit. I really want to get to sleeping a normal schedule, then I can get up at a decent hour and enjoy the sunlight. Sunlight helps improve your mood and I'm missing out on those natural benefits by sleeping through a good part of the day. I'm going to make myself go to bed earlier tonight and hopefully I can at least get my sleep schedule back on track. It won't get rid of the weight I'm feeling, but I'll get to be awake more during the sunlight hours.
Then there's my dating life. I'm actually not depressed about that. I have zero desire to date...which I guess is very likely a symptom of me being depressed. I met a pretty great guy. He's intelligent, successful, kind, interesting, likes to travel, likes dogs and he really seemed to like me and see a possible future with me. Texting him and planning dates just felt like a chore. It felt like one more thing I had to worry about. Now, I believe part of the issue is that he just wasn't the right guy for me. While on paper he's what I'm looking for, I just didn't feel that spark. I'm not sure if it's because of my head being in such a bad spot or if he just isn't the one for me. Bless him, he tried to understand and talk me out of breaking it off. I could see how much he liked me every time he looked at me. But in the end I just knew I couldn't date him. If I were to really open up about what's going on in my head right now, it'd just be too much to deal with early on. And the fact is, at this point, he just felt like an additional problem I had to take care of and that's just not fair to him. So needless to say, dating is off the table for the time being. My head and my heart just aren't in it, so it'd just be a waste of time. For the next month or two, I intend to just focus on myself.
I have a phone interview set up for this week. It's another job that I'd love to get. I took away a few things from my last interview that I think I can do a little better, so hopefully that will improve my chances with this job, but who knows. In the meantime, though, what should I do? The depression is leaving me with headaches, heavy lidded eyes, little motivation and sleep problems. How do I get past this? I had this great plan to start the year off with a bang and finally achieve my weight loss goals and I've done absolutely nothing to achieve those goals. I went to the store tonight and left with a bunch of crap food. Not 100% bad, but more bad than good. I went in full well knowing I was going to buy stuff to temporarily fill this void. I joked to myself as I walked out of the store that it was a bag full of depression. And that's the truth. I know this isn't going to help me feel better, but it's an easy thing to fall back on.
On New Years Eve I was talking to my friend's fiance. He started saying what kind of guy he sees me with and one of the first things he said was someone successful with a good job. And poor guy, I just started crying. I don't talk to people about how truly depressed I am, I'm pretty good at putting on a happy face, but it sure did come out that night. I had just found out that morning that I didn't get the job I'd really been wanting and was a bit raw from that. When I woke up that morning and saw the email I was just kind of shocked. I really thought I was going to get it. I felt kind of empty and then I finally went to the store and as I'm leaving my house I start to cry. I make myself leave to try and shake it off and I do a decent job. Then I'm waiting in the Starbucks drive thru and I started crying again. I shook it off, ran some errands and went home. I got ready for the night without anymore tears. Then his comments of how he sees me as being with a successful person was just a reminder that that's what I should be! I should be successful, I should have a good job. That's the kind of person I am. Not working severely shakes me to my core. So his comment just brought up all the frustrations and stress I'm feeling and I just cried and cried and cried. I don't cry around people like that. I'm not someone who cries and wants sympathy. I'm someone who puts on a happy face and glosses over the stress in my life and tries to deal with it privately. But I just couldn't do it this time. I kept apologizing for crying, I felt silly and embarrassed, but I couldn't stop. My friend came over and she just hugged me and let me cry it out. We were at her house with just close friends, so it wasn't as embarrassing as if we were out somewhere. But man I just couldn't seem to help myself that night. And now I'm crying remembering what I was feeling that night and what I've been feeling especially over the last week or so. I know I'll get through this and I know eventually it'll get better. But right now I'm struggling. My heart hurts and my head hurts and I just need for it to get better. I need to start working again, so I can be myself again.