For the First time in a long time...
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
I am proud of myself!!!!
I spent a lot of December looking back over the past year and reflecting on everything I had done and watching myself morph into something better... I was looking forward to this year to make not a resolution but a plan...or a map you might say, and I'm very excited about it.
I did so many impossible things in 2012, okay we all know it's not impossible but to me they were. I had so many changes I had to make.
I had to change my mind: I had to decided I don't want to live this way for the rest of my life.
My thought process: That I couldn't do it. It was more than I could handle and that I didn't deserve it.
My way of thinking: I am worth it. I can do it and NO ONE was going to do it for me. It wasn't going to come easy and if I give up I let ME down, no one else! And that it was ok to be the ONLY Beet Purple person in the gym. I wasn't going to die, pass out or anything else and it meant my body was doing what it was supposed to be doing...WORKING!!!
My habits: I was going to have to change my way of eating, I would have to take responsibility of my emotions and how I deal with them..and I was GOING TO HAVE TO EXERCISE and I would have to do it even when i didn't want to or didn't feel like it.
But most of all my Attitude: I was going to have to find a way to make it work. So I decided that I was going to challenge myself...I was going to do something in 2012 that scared me. Not the "BOO! AHHHHH!" kind of scare but the down in your gut wanting to puke everytime you think about it kind of scare. The kind of Scared that is Bigger than anything you ever imagined possible for you...and I was going to take baby steps.
I started with zumba, how much fun is Zumba!! Heck ya, partying and dancing AND it's Exercise!! Score!! I called it exercise in cogneto. Then I started with some plyometrics and strength training...and MAN did my muscles scream in pain and HATE me for days..but the strangest thing happened...I actually started to LOVE...yes my friends I just said LOVE, that feeling. I didn't see any changes in my body for a long time but I could feel those tired, sore, cranky muscles and KNOW that change was happening.
Then I decided after a short while that I wanted to start running, I HATE RUNNING ARE YOU FREAKING CRAZY!!! You CANNOT run, you have bad knees and hips and a bad back Seriously what are you thinking crazy girl (that was my brain trying to talk me out of it). And I started the C25K program and I ran the treadmill at the gym and I loved challenging myself to run longer and faster. And then my first set back. I got injured at work and was on crutches for 6 weeks. I was devastated, I knew what I was loosing AND I had signed up for my first 5k and I was going to miss it! So as soon as I got the green light to rehab in the pool and walk without crutches, I was on it! I worked smart so I wouldn't re-injure myself. And I was able to participate by walking very very slowly my first 5K.
During all of this I had also decided I was going to set my sites on bigger goals. I don't know where it came from or even why I had such a strong desire to do this but it came from my gut. I had to with every ounce of who I am sign up with Team in Training/ Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and Run a 1/2 Marathon. I have honestly never felt like this about anything in my life. It's the strangest feeling. I did sign up and I realized why I had to be part of it. My heart was telling me it was time to Celebrate my life. 2012 was my 16th year Cancer free from my second bout of Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It's something I don't think about, It's something we NEVER talk about in my family, and the only reason my husband know's is because I was still having blood work and follow up appointments when we got together. But all he even knew is that I had cancer and I was now fine lol. I NEEDED to let go of my chains, and to face this disease that had held me hostage for so many years. The most amazing things happened to me while I was healing, Celebrating and learning about my disease that I never got to know. I raised $1600 for the LLS. I met some of the best people in my life, I have a new extended family. And I got to take this trip with my little sister who is still my Running Idol, teacher and Best friend!
While I was training to run my race my body became more and more healthy and happy with me. I was slowly seeing transformation. But most importantly I was FEELING them. I was happier and Free'er than I have been in a very long time. My wonderful boy's were cheering me on, telling me how proud of me they were. I still remember the first time my middle son hugged me stepped back looked at me and jumped back on me and said "MOMMY YOU ARE SO SKINNY NOW!!!!" it sounds funny because I was like WHAT?!?!? And then later I actually looked in the mirror and was shocked by the woman standing there looking back at me. She was not even close to the person she was 5 months before...and Certainly NOT even close to the person who decided to scare the hell out of herself 10 months prior.
My family is my world, and I'm able to play with my boys and not feel like I'm dieing, or just watch from the sidewalk. I'm out there playing with them, running around with them, Ice skating with them. I'm able to make wonderful memories WITH my boy's not OF them...and that's priceless!
I have come a long way, I still have quite a way's to go but I'm well over halfway to my goal weight...and I know 2013 will be challenging but I'm excited to see the end result and I believe that will happen this year.