Tuesday, January 08, 2013
Yesterday was Ed's birthday but this year there was no dinner at his favorite restaurnat, there was no coconut pie with a candle, there was no celebration. I did go to the gym for water aerobics and the instructor was really working us out. I knew that the workout was something I needed; so, even though one woman made a snide comment about how I won the prize ; so, could slow down, I kept at it.
Then I hit a wall, not the proverbial wall that atheletes sometimes hit when running marathons or doing other long duration exercising, I hit an emotional wall. All of a sudden I felt like I had run into a solid rock and cement wall and was going to crumble into a soggy weeping pain filled woman who had lost total control. I got out of the pool, told the instructor that I had an appointment, and went to the locker room where I dressed in a rush and left the gym before the tears began.
I cried off and on all day. as I took ornaments off the tree, I cried, as I packed the ornaments in storage boxes, I cried, as I made turkey hash from the turkey pieces I had taken from the freezer, I cried. I cried until I was so drained that I fell asleep for about an hour. When I woke up, I cried.
My older daughter came for dinner and she was very sad too. We both managed to not cry but it was very difficult. Life without Ed is lacking in so many ways. There isn't the laughter he generated, there isn't the joy felt from him when he was here, there is a huge void in our lives. His intelligence, his jokes, his fun personality are missing and nothing can take its place.
My grandchildren called and it was a joy to hear their voices but such a temporary joy. I posted on facebook and received comments, most of which triggered more tears. My friend from Tennessee called and we both cried for a while then, a miracle, the tears dried up and we promised to give both her husband and Ed an ar$e whoppin when it is our turn to leave this earth! yep, that is what we will do because those men left us way too early!
Lord, once again I am aware that you, by your grace, gave me strength to work through a situation that I was woefully unprepared to face. I accept that when we are completely out of ideas, drained of all energy, and so sick at heart we can barely breath, your grace and strength lift us uup and carry us forward. Thank you Lord. from Pocket Prayers for Women. Simple Prayers of Hope.
My grace ius sufficient for you. For power is made perfect in weakness