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A positive, sane version of me

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Read a great Geneen Roth article from a few years ago and she says that in order to finally overcome emotional eating, she had to change her patterns. Instead of continuing to suffer over food and agonize over her big size, binges, etc, she created a new image of herself, a positive, sane version of herself, one that didn't use food as a drug or an escape or as punishment. One that felt her feelings when she had them, ate when hungry, and took care of herself.

I then listened to her audiobook of When Food is Love and she talks about a woman whose husband died suddenly in his 30's. The woman had gained 30 pounds because she just couldn't stop eating. She was afraid that if she stopped, she'd start to cry and never stop.

I felt so connected to that story as I listened today. I'm here in the hospital with my husband as he gets chemo, and I realize that the 14 pounds I've gained in the last month are most likely because I haven't been able to stop eating. I'm afraid to feel my fear and grief. I also don't really have room for them. I have to be focused and energetic with my students at work, I have to be positive and loving and strong for my daughter and husband, and inside I'm a wreck. So I've been eating and eating, stuffing down my emotions with food.

Well, I'm hoping today that a more sane version of me can come out. Because what Geneen Roth also said in this audiobook is that until we feel our feelings and go through them, we cannot heal.

So I think that the sane version of me is one who is going to find a safe space to break down a bit...
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIANESAV1 1/9/2013 5:22AM

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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LE7_1234 1/9/2013 12:05AM

    Julie, that's the Geneen Roth story I mentioned the other day.... Except I read it in another one of her books.

Schedule some crying time. Use onions if you have to, to get the tears flowing....

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WATERMELLEN 1/8/2013 10:25PM

    A safe place to break down a little: that's exactly it. As a cancer survivor myself who watched my DH struggle I'm pretty sure it's harder to be the spouse. Have you thought that the right counselor could provide that safe place? May be that the hospital offers that service??

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CAT-IN-CJ 1/8/2013 3:15PM

    Oh, can I ever relate to what you're going through! Ten years ago I was in a very similar situation.

I hope you can find a safe corner of your world to release all those emotions you are stuffing away. If you can write (and from your blog, it seems you have a gift), then write, write, write. If you can walk or scream or sing - do it! Do whatever it takes.

Reach out to your friends here at SP. Family? Clergy? Something....

Our shoulders are not broad enough to carry this burden alone.

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SEPTEMBERSPIRIT 1/8/2013 2:29PM

    I know how hard it is to be the 'strong' one for everyone else when you're so scared inside with all that's going on... that is what friends are for Julie! We're here for you... and our prayers and positive thoughts are being sent your way!
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MISSIFISH 1/8/2013 2:20PM

    I think I missed something. I had no idea your husband was dealing with cancer. I'm so sorry! My best friend just fought her own battle with that awful illness, and I know how much of a challenge it is. I wish you guys all the best.

You clearly have so much going on, and I hope you can be kind to yourself. You do so much mental work and are so mindful, I know you'll get through all of this.

I'm sending you sparky hugs, and hopes for sanity and health.

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