Tuesday, January 08, 2013
On Friday I started to wake up to what an eating disorder really means. Somewhere between Friday and Saturday Morning I woke up from like a food coma! I realized that I have put blame on everyone else for my choices. Nobody has FORCE fed me. Nobody gets mad if I don't eat a particular food.
Saturday morning I went to an OA meeting and further confirmed I am one of them. I said for the first time out loud that I am a Compulsive Over Eater. But now... it is almost as though it has given me an excuse or a license to Over eat. Like it is something I can not help... I have a diagnosis so I need to fulfill it. STOP... WRONG!
I weighed myself this morning and was WAAAAYYY over my "OH CRAP!" point on the scale. The numbers on my scale are going the wrong way. My nice shapely, sexy legs are gross cottage cheese legs. My arms are so big I can not get certain shirts over them! ERRRR. Diagnosis or not I need to get my butt in gear and quit having a pity party for one and eating all the cake!
I have to make the right choices for what goes into my mouth. I have to not put myself in situations that will make me loose control. My dietitian gave me a menu to follow and I have yet to do it right. I had mentioned to her that I thought there were too many carbs but she pointed out that my past eating had me eating between 8 and 18 carbs a day!
I have figured out that Carbs are my drug. They are my trigger that if I have just one... it leads to a binge which leads to guilt which then leads to another binge which triggers this whole ugly cycle over and over.
My Dr. and my family hates when I do Medifast as it is not the best most nutritional way to loose weight. But it is the only thing that has ever worked for me. We live in a fast passed world that wants "RIGHT NOW" results. I don't want "RIGHT NOW" results... I NEED them!
I see my dietition tomorrow so I am going to tell her where I am at and that I need to cut Carbs. I feel like after I get back to where I was even just a year ago that I can then focus on making the "FOREVER" eating choices. I just can not do the sugar and the carbs without it bringing me down and pushing me into the binge, guilt cycle.
For today.. My goal is to just focus on the "RIGHT NOW" and make my good food choices one meal at a time.