Tuesday, January 08, 2013
I spent the day going through spark pages and groups, joining a few, not knowing exactly what I wanted but felt I needed something. I watched everything I ate, drank 10 glasses of water, monitored my fats, protein, carbs, etc.. I had a great successful day. I went to bed feeling great. I had some positive thoughts about myself that was one of my goals. Drifting off to sleep I was good. Then it happened! My restless leg syndrome kicked in. The constant urge to move, feeling like I needed to jump off the bed. Ok, I will go out and get a drink. I spied the Fiber Bars my sister must have hidden up ontop of a cabinet. My eyes hone right in on them. Ok, one won't hurt, 90 calories, I came in way under my calorie count, it will be ok. But wait, I promised I wouldn't do anymore counter eating. You know walking around the kitchen munching on whatever you pick up. I did it!!! I broke my first rule and in a big way, I ate one bar, went back to bed, got up in an hour, rls still bothering me, ate two more bars, then back to bed, up again and finished the box!!!! I felt like garbage. Layed in bed crying until I fell asleep. Woke up in an hour and prowled for something else. Ate a big piece of mozzerella cheese. I am lactose intolerrant! My stomach was killing me. I finally felt full. Who am I kidding I had gastric bypass. I was full when I went to bed. This night time binging is killing me. I know I need help, a lot of therapy, just can't find it. I know I am not the only one out there that is expierancing the same issues. I know people who have taken off 400 pounds, only to put it back on in a year. I know my issues go far deeper than food, I know I seek comfort from food even though I have a great support system. Why do I punish myself like this? I know I can be successful. I have felt what is like to be thin and I liked it, just didn't like me. I guess I will just forgive myself and start over again today.