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    KERRYMONIQUE   23,390
SparkPoints
20,000-24,999 SparkPoints
 
 

Forget losing weight, I need to gain control.


Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Iím so tired of feeling out of control. I have always been the perfectionist type and an A-type personality. Iíve been extremely independent my entire life. That is, until my physical disorders became overwhelming. I donít have a lot of friends and my family, for the most part, causes way more damage than any kind of support. The few friends I have become overwhelmed with my condition as well, which leaves me coping pretty much on my own.

In February of 2009 I was coming out of an abusive relationship and felt just as alone. I had recently developed diabetes from a medication and was prepping for a major surgery. I was running out of options (medically) and fearful I wouldnít be able to accomplish my dreams Iíd been working so hard on. I found Sparkpeople and fell in love. It provided me a path to regain my independence. When Iím on track, I feel in control, at least partial control.

My health has steadily declined from that time period. Iím now sicker than ever and with even fewer options. Iíve been working so hard to keep my depression at bay, but this situation is destroying me. I have no money, no energy, no health. I can barely do anything, literally. My doctors are overwhelmed with all my symptoms and no one wants to commit to my case; they all keep pointing to another specialist. It breaks my heart to be this worthless. I canít even take care of myself and my situation is so intense that other people have a hard time being in my life. From having a job and a social life, to ever being able to have kidsÖ. Itís all gone due to my poor health.

I can visualize how good I felt when I was SParking regularly and I donít mean the weight loss (although that was amazing as well). Iím talking about how good it feels to have a goal, work towards it and achieve! To resuscitate my self-esteem and, albeit incrementally, feel worthy of being thin and happy. I remember how the sun shined on my face, but I feel like Iím at the bottom of the biggest well and drowning. I feel so helpless and hopeless and I hate it. I wish I could just hop back on track and all be hunkie-dorey.

So I am back on here. My main goal is actually to GAIN control over my life. The secondary benefit being to hopefully lose weight and improve my health. I need to dedicate myself to the program and community again Ė I need it now more than ever. Iím debating on wiping my entire account clean to feel a fresh start, but Iím not sure. Iím so scared of failing; things are incredibly difficult for me. I canít do 1/10th of what I used to and itís poorly done at that. And having no options just makes the stakes feel higher, as opposed to giving me more motivation.
My diabetes, which I resolved on my first SPark success, is now back and worse than ever. Iím tired of doctors blaming my weight for everything and I need some positive vibes in my life. I hate hating myself. Iíve worked so hard, through so many obstacles, itís not fair to feel so awful about myself. My disease has taken away too much already, I wonít give it my happiness.

I also had one of those ďahaĒ moments when I saw this atrocity of a photo. I had been fooling myself pretty good until I saw this:


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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TAWANDA_IS_BACK 1/25/2013 7:09PM

    I absolutely love Relive's comment to you and totally agree. Adding that you are on a good path....you realize you need to do something regardless of whether or not the doctors can assist you. You are helping you by coming here! I'm new to this site and have found no other place as good as this. I've paid for help....didn't get it. Asked for help...didn't get it. Come here and what do ya know......I don't have to ask....it's free! The best part is that so many people know how I feel on my worst day! I'm not alone. Neither are you dear one! You can do this! Prove to those doctors that you are stronger than they give you credit for. Prove to those doctors that science is just science but with God EVERYTHING is possible! Friend me and lets work on this together. God bless you!

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TIME2BLOOM4ME 1/25/2013 2:15PM

    emoticon emoticon

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JUNIAATROME 1/14/2013 12:34PM

    You forgot to lose weight - huhuhuhu! I love that notion. Wishing you all the best on the journey. I'm there too! emoticon

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HOPEFULHIPPO 1/14/2013 12:23PM

    I'm totally digging the hair though :o) And as for the rest, I have to agree with everyone else. Spark is the best place to rediscover ourselves and make it happen, isn't it?

Welcome back and let's make this your year of gaining control! It's hopeful-ly my year of consistency.

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KRICKET57 1/8/2013 9:51AM

    I want to say that you are not alone and welcome back. You have made a good choice in coming back. No one can feel alone here, and I am sure you will add more than you will take away.

I look forward to what getting to know you better. Have a great day!

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RELIVE 1/8/2013 9:40AM

    I understand the whole concept of hating yourself. I've done it all my life. It is very hard for someone who is healthy to understand the concept of NOT being able to even get out of bed because of the fatigue, that you need to adjust the thermostat back and forth because you go from cold to hot on a whim. The body aches, the stomach aches, the headaches... it never stops.

I just want to let you know, that even though I don't know you very well, that I'm here for you. I also want to let you know that I think you are beautiful but no one else can show you that you are except for you.

Take it a day at a time, and count-count-count calories! For days you can't bear working out or even moving, adjust and eat less calories. For days you can work out, eat more calories. I like telling myself "If I got through yesterday, I can get through it today, and I'll be able to get through it tomorrow." Helps me put things into perspective.

Good luck on your journey! I'll try my best to keep track of your blog posts. :)

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Edit: I also would like to add, even skinny people have ugly photos taken of themselves. That photo says nothing about YOU as a person. Doesn't show your talents, your smile, your intelligence, your sense of being. Everyone looks that crummy in pjs and a plain shirt-- I sure as heck know that I do! So give yourself more credit!

Comment edited on: 1/8/2013 9:43:50 AM

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4DOGNIGHT 1/8/2013 9:25AM

    You can do this! I think most of us have been where you are. Have you seen a doctor? emoticon emoticon

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NEWMEN2013 1/8/2013 8:23AM

    emoticon
You are NOT worthless! You are God's creation and every creation has value. You are also not alone although it may feel that way right now.
I joined Spark over a year ago and had fairly decent success, but circumstances that I allowed to discourage me took control and I walked away for a while. Of course, I gained back a large chunk of the weight I had lost and when I stepped on the scale Dec 31, I was crushed!!! Those ugly numbers confirmed what I was already aware of -- that I had slipped back into my bad habits and betrayed myself and my body in the process. I had to start all over again, and instead of just restarting my account, I began a brand new one! If that's what you need to do as well to leave behind any negative history that is connected to your current page, I say GO FOR IT!!!
However you decide to jumpstart your program (and I truly hope you do), know that your Spark-tacular teammates are here to help see you through.


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GINNJEN1974 1/8/2013 6:52AM

    We all go thru this. Hating yourself only adds to not being able to come away from the darkness. Gaining control will take take and you can do it. Take it bit by bit. Maybe today you dont eat a second helping, or move more than you usually do. Hang in there you know this program can and does work. We just have to keep it going no matter how we feel sunny or blue.

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