Tuesday, January 08, 2013
Dieting! DIETING! That's what I was going to write about. Except wait, diet is a swear around here. Which always strikes me as silly, since I'm pretty sure diet means "lifestyle" if translated literally. Anyway. Aaron says, "Dieting does not work when you have a boyfriend who can eat whatever the F he wants." True story.
Was talking to my counselor today. I'm pretty recovered, not entirely, but fairly, from the issues that took me to a counselor in the first place. It'll take a while, but on the right track. Today was my last day with this particular counselor and so we rambled away from this issue. One of the things that we moved to was my fundamental lack of faith in myself to make the right choices. The ramifications of this were multi-faceted. Ranging from feeling too affectionate with Aaron (read fear of being clingy), to not using my time wisely, to making poor food choices. I kept putting things into terms of "I should have" or "I ought to have" which she said, by that language, was putting it in terms of self-fault. She suggests that I examine a situation or choice that distresses me, figure out why it distresses me, ask myself, if put in that same situation again would I do the same? If not, what would I do differently? Why did I make the choice that I made? LOTS of focus on, What need was I trying to fulfill? Is there another way to fulfill that need?
I notice a lot of times (not always) things that I eat are associated with being social, or with affection. Which is nothing new. People have been known to eat for this reason for ages. But for me, that's something to recognize. I eat the cookies my Grams makes, A) because they're awesome and B) because she made them. She likes to bake things for people. It shows affection. I snack with Aaron, or eat pasta with him, because these are warm, tasty, feel good sort of foods. For some reason sharing pasta seems cozier than sharing baked chicken and green beans. I'm not restricting what we share, or rejecting his chosen foods, if I eat these things with him. Feeling this way, I don't even want to begin to reject it. And I know that Aaron wouldn't see it that way, as rejection. He's totally down with whatever choice I make. And if I said, no, I don't want to eat pasta, let's eat this instead, or, let's make pasta, but let's cook the food so I can eat it separate, he'd be fine with it. Cuz, you know, he's awesome.
But I don't want that restrictiveness to be there, so I don't even try. Don't even think to try. Just, let the rest of my happy and feel good with him spill over into happy feel good sorts of foods. AndI know part of the reason that these things are happy feel good sorts of food
is because of carb addiction. Hits that pleasure spot. Hehe, maybe these things have become so hard to resist outside of Aaron time because they give the same feeling as Aaron time.
So how do I disassociate the foods from happy feel good, and focus on Aaron being the happy feel good? If the food is there, he is there as part of the eating experience, so he's not really separate from that happy feel good. It's not a matter of replacing the food experience WITH him, because, he's already there.
I put the image of me sitting next to him cuddling while HE snacks, even if I'm snacking on something else, it does not promote the happy feel good. Eating healthy foods with him does not promote the happy feel good. Just being with him without any food promotes the happy feel good, but if I add healthy food into the mix...it's just not as good.
I love Aaron. Hehe, had a break in the blogging while I talked to him about this. He says to me, if this is an issue, make me a promise. If it comes time for us to eat, and there is a healther option that we can have, we will make that choice. I don't think I can make him that promise, because I don't think I can keep it at this point.
But one thing to come out of the conversation is that maybe, if I eat right WITH him, I can learn to conflate eating well with the happy feel good that I get from being with him. Maybe, if I can make that connection, I can get the happy feel good when I eat well on my own. I know he's concerned over this issue on my behalf, because I'm concerned.
Hehe, bleh. I think I don't like having to plan what I eat. I need to get all of the things I shouldn't eat out of my house. I mean, all of them. If they aren't there, then I can't make the choice to have them without some significant effort. Say, getting into the car, going to the store, purcashing it, then making my way back. I need to have snackable goods ready at hand, but also not have more tempting snackable goods on hand that may not even taste better. Le sigh. Major overhaul of the pantry tomorrow, I think. I can't trust myself. And I NEED to have quick, snackable foods. Things that I can't make an excuse not to grab when I run out the door late in the morning.
None of these things answers the questions above. If I have learned to connect tasty bad food with Aaron, then how, until relearned, do these new healthy foods meet that need, which is, really, a need for Aaron? . . . I'll have to think about this. I don't think it can be just a reminder of him. I need something that says to me, Aaron! And gives me that feeling that I mentioned in my last blog, of happy sigh, and laying my head on his shoulder. Maybe some of the almonds he likes, or maybe one of his handkerchiefs scented with the scent he wears. He left me a spray can so I could spray it on my pillow when I wanted to, hehe. I think I might try that. I might even get a stuffed toy that I can scent and hug when I need to, feeling the need for that comfort. Or maybe as a reward or making the right choice. This all seems silly, but now that I've recognized this connection (though I'm sure it's more complicated than that) then I can reroute at least one twisted pathway in my brain. If this one gets conquered, maybe I'll be able to see past it and focus on the next.
Okay. Long blog, as usual. And I've worked one knot out in my brain at least. Goodnight folks.