Tuesday, January 08, 2013
***Note to those with eating disorders: This post may be triggering.
Since joining SparkPeople a little over two weeks ago, I haven't had much of a struggle with disordered thoughts regarding eating. I was proud of myself, but should have realized that it wasn't going to last forever.
When I joined, I set a minimum/maximum calorie goal on the web site that I had worked with out a dietitian. It is low enough that I can safely lose one to one and a half pounds per week. I also set a goal that I would never go below that calorie minimum, as restricting and skipping meals was my biggest catch in the past when it came to eating disorders.
Today, I had eaten a larger breakfast and simply wasn't hungry when lunch time rolled around. I skipped lunch for the most part, having only a vegetable egg roll and water. This put me below my minimum calorie intake, as I sat, looking at the pretty number and how I had managed to deprived myself and how much weight I was going to lose. To make matters worse, I was wearing a pair of jeans which happen to be a bit baggy, boosting my confidence all that much more.
My thinking wasn't entirely rational, I mean, I was 112 calories short, which isn't going to cause a huge weight loss. That is how eating disorders start. One little lie to yourself after another. But this time, I caught myself in the middle of the thought.
What if I had gone forward, letting that "little bit" slide? Feeling good about myself, I might step on the scale tomorrow to find that I hadn't really lost, and now I might tell myself that I'm eating far to much and need to cut back even more. Or if the scale shows a loss, the victorious feeling will be short lived, quickly followed by the desire to lose more. Then, since I'd cut back the day before, just a bit, I could cut back some more. But it wouldn't stop. It would lead to lies to my health care workers, just a few more pounds or a few less calories.
I recognized that this could be the first step toward me sliding back down the hill of disaster. And I said, "NOT TODAY." Instead, I choose this day to be another among many days in a long, hard journey toward a healthier me. A me who chooses healthy choices over the lies her mind tries to feed her body.
It wasn't easy. I'll admit, I cried through every bite of the protein bar I chose to eat. The lies continued, telling me of the fat each bite was putting onto my body. I cried entering my snack into the nutrition tracker on the web site, as I saw the calories remaining today flip to 0.
To make matters worse, between the time of loading the nutrition tracker and finally entering the information, the clock ticked past midnight - resetting the calories remaining to eat today ticker on my start page. The idea of doing this fight again tomorrow is exhausting. But that is a fight for tomorrow.