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    K8GERSTENBERG   928
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feeling feelings.


Monday, January 07, 2013

i hate mondays. i really really hate mondays. i know mondays are the bane of almost every working person's existence, but i would contend that i hate them even more. why you may ask? because my weekend with my boyfriend comes to an end on mondays and i go back to being alone for the better part of the week.

let me explain a little further. my boyfriend is paul, and we have been dating for just about 9 years (our anniversary is feb 27). i know he is going to propose to me sometime soon, to which i will say yes, of course! he is my heart and soul and everything. this isn't just some high school relationship. he's my soul mate. every weekend on saturday morning, paul comes to see me and he stays until monday morning. he makes me so happy and i look forward to his visits, but i hate to let him go. when he is with me, i feel really happy and i feel like i'm complete and i can take on the world. when he leaves, i feel like he takes part of me with him and it hurts to let it go. when he leaves, i feel numb for a few hours and then it sets in. i'm lonely. really really lonely. i even feel a little bit broken. it's really hard to be positive and to be strong in the face of a diet when you feel crappy emotionally.

it's a good thing that i can identify what makes me feel as though i need to eat. change can't happen unless you're aware of what's wrong. however, i just feel lost. it's hard for me to cope with being alone. i need to fill my time with other things that make me feel complete, and i know that, but it's hard to find something that fits in that void. except food. well, kind of. food doesn't really even do it justice. it just does better than dieting, homework, working out, and being stressed do.

so i guess my challenge for this week (the first week without him that i'll be on plan) is to be honest about how i feel and to not try to fill the void i fill with food. i know, in the back of my mind, that it doesn't do the job anyway. i have found that blogging is helping me, though. i know this is only my second post, but i think the act of being honest about my feelings, and really diving into what it is that is making me feel like i want to go off plan, holds me accountable for my actions. not only that, but it's therapeutic. i will check in in blog form to chronicle my ability to meet this challenge.

on a bit of another topic, i was really surprised that people read blog posts. on my first post yesterday, i received two responses. that was really awesome for me. i thought i was posting these entries out into an oblivion never to be read, even by me, again. it's nice to know that people who have no reason to give a crap about me, actually do.

so, to those of you who have read this far in my post, if you have any advice for me dealing with the absence of my boyfriend this week, please comment. i appreciate the caring nature of my fellow sparkers. with that said, i will finally end my post (again, sorry about the novel!) and relax with my cats for the evening. i will check in tomorrow with the sparkpeople universe. good night all!

-k8
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