Monday, January 07, 2013
What exactly constitutes crazy?
It's almost midnight and I got out of bed and had to write that line down and read it for myself.
What exactly constitutes crazy?
I know from my educational background that normal and abnormal are really on a continuum. What is considered "normal" is a defined range based on the individual. But what if my continuum is way outside the realm of normal for any human being on the face of the planet?
*lots of deleting*
I just wrote a ton of contradictions down and then deleted them. Out of shame? Fear people may laugh? Fear her husband could read them... although in reality that may be what I want.... one more contradiction. *sigh*
I watched the Biggest Loser tonight and one woman really got to me. She was talking of her beautiful children and her handsome husband. And in the next breath went into this vision of her dying young, leaving her children without a mother. And imagining who her husband would marry next - someone young and thin and pretty.
I have done that... heck, I've done that probably more times than I should admit.
I have done that daily - especially when I've hit a low.
Have you ever hated yourself so much to actually imagine your family in another life so they couldn't be bothered with someone like you? So you couldn't interfere with them finding happiness - that you were such a burden to them - that they could not be happy with you in the picture? That you loved them so much and you knew what was best for them.... and you being there, taking up space, was not it...
I had pretty much buried those thoughts for a while. It had been a few since they slid into the darkest corner of my mind. I can actually tell you the last time they were here. It is safe to say that I'm haunted by those thoughts and actually look at it as a vacation when they are away. I prefer it when I can live without them - sadly though, all good things must end, eh? That woman on the Biggest Loser though - she got a nice big paddle and stirred up some emotions with her little blip.
Could losing weight solve my problems? Did I gain weight because I have other issues?
yes and yes
I seriously feel like I'm going out of my mind right now. I am sure that I can say depression and low self-esteem. In fact, I'm probably right. Some days are better than others. This weekend was definitely not in the "better" category.
I'll go back to bed and roll over, ignoring the world until I fall asleep. I'm sure in the morning I'll wake up - perhaps a small headache from all the crying, and get on with my life. I love my family and I know they love me - its just that some days, I just have to convince myself that I'm worth loving.
I know its a matter of me telling myself "chin up" and "things'll get better" - but I admit, I sometimes wish I didn't have to do it all by myself. My husband does a great job of keeping the house together when I'm all depression-crazy like I am right now. He probably doesn't say much too me because he knows how sensitive I am about how I look.
But honestly, between you and me, I'd love to come home one day and him be ready for me - to encourage me to go on a family walk. May get a work out tape ready and have it ready to go when I get home and not let me throw everything out the window and find my corner of the couch with my laptop. Just to have someone here to encourage me to do the right things - not sit in silence and let me do whatever I want... good or bad. Just to encourage me. I am that person that needs an "atta girl" thrown at her a couple times here and there - and I'd like it to be sincere... but right now, I'll take whatever I can get.