wants a do over
Sunday, January 06, 2013
Anyone that has followed this blog knows that I have gone thru more than any one person should have to. I have struggeled to get out of bed, struggled to go to work, struggled to be around people. My youngest decided he wanted to go back to his dads...which under the circumstances may not be a bad deal except for the fact they put crap in his head he doesn't need.
I have made some tough choices, one of them, is to pick up and move. I am not sure when or where, but I can't stay here. Here is filled with so many bad memories, from my marriage falling apart, to my dad dying alone, to my oldest dropping out of high school his senior year to my youngest following in his footsteps, to the legal issues of my oldest...I just think I need a new start. I had done so good on the the lap band, but I lost focus....that is on me. I have to focus on me. I don't think I can do it here. I don't think I can put me first here. I need to go either where I grew up and felt safe, to a town that I love, or go to where I have someone that will support me in my journey. I don't have that here. I feel so alone. my fault...I know I can reach out to any number of folks here, but I feel like I am burdening them. I struggle every single day to get out of bed...I don't want to. I want to just stay under the covers and pretend the world doesn't exist. Not reality. I have a job I used to love, but don't anymore. I used to have friends i loved, but I have lost some of them because of the deal with my oldest...which I guess that means they weren't true friends. I know it is time for a fill, and I don't have the money for it, so I am getting depressed about it. My doctor requires the first one to be done at the hospital...yea me. Small things that used to make me happy, just don't anymore. I miss my boys. I miss my youngest, and i know it was selfish of me to want him to stay here, because I knew that he would give me a reason to get out of bed...a reason to want to do something other than just stay in bed...but at the same time he doesn't need to be around me if I am in this state of mind...I have spent so many hours on my knees, and it just doesn't seem that the good Lord is listening. I don't know how to do this. I can't get my family doctor to really LISTEN to me...they are on a new thing with computers and he can only see you for just a few minutes, gone are the days of the doctor sitting down and listening to you...and seeming to care. In the middle of all this my car dropped its transmission...had to get a new one, I can't afford it. so now I as stressing over what to do there. I got a good deal on one, but still, I really cant afford the payments. I have the worst luck...if it weren't for bad luck, I would have none!!!!! I know I need to get back on here and get back into this,, but I have just really not given a rip what I did...time to get over that tho...time for a do over....