Sunday, January 06, 2013
Yesterday was my anniversary, a big one for my husband and myself but it went uncelebrated. Not that it was planned to be uncelebrated. You see, we had originally planned a big party, dinner buffet, band, open bar, 100 plus people to celebrate the love and marraige that not only lasted a long time but continued to grow stronger and better ey the day. Everyone we knew was excited, people were planning to come from all over the US. That was until exactly 3 months to the day before yesterday when we turned off his life support as he was no longer with us. There would be no dancing, no speeches, no toasts on our anniversary, there would be only one of us here. The band was canceled, the menu destroyed, the restaurant reserved for the reception after his memorial service. There was to be no celebration on January 5th of 2013.
My sister was here though. She had asked to come down on Thursday, January 3rd and take me to dinner. I wondered why the 3rd but didn't ask. You see, she had lost her husband 6weeks before I lost mine. She had been her husband's caretaker/advocate/wife/social
worker for the last four years of his life as his Parkinson's got progressively worse and finally ended his life. i decided that she needed to get away. She hadn't had a break in such a long time. After she got here and we went to dinner and talked awhile I asked if she could stay another day which she agreed to do. What a relief!
On Friady we went to a movie, laughed at the story of a mother and adult son taking a cross country trip, and came home. My younger daughter and her children stopped by and asked what we were doing on Sat. No plans, I said as I didn't know if my sister could stay another day.
My sister asked if I would mind if she stayed the extra day, and was I ever relieved! I had such a dread of being alone on my anniversary, of knowing that we had such wonderful plans and how excited Ed was to be planning our party, looking for my dress, getting rooms for out of town guests, etc. I knew that I wouldn't make it through the day if I were here alone. Of course she could stay! She called her grandaughter to ask if she could take care of the dogs another day and it was all set.
So, my daughter asked again, what do you think you might do now? Go to the outlet mall my sister said! So my daughter took my car and put gas in, filled the tire with air as one was low and we planned for a trip to the outlet for January 5th. Not the day that was origianlly planned but a day that helped me cope.
My finances wouldn't let me buy anything but we were away from the house, outside quite a lot, in the sunshine that helps with sadness or depression, and busy looking, playing with my grandboy and grandgirl, and generally keeping my mind occupied.
I did cry some last night and I have felt down some today and cried some but was fortunate to have an invitation to dinner at a friend's tonight. I have made it through a big anniversary without the love of my life, I have cried, especially when I have talked to friends who called to say they were thinking of me or when I have read an e-mail but I have made it through.
Thank you Cecelia for coming down, for suggesting going to a movie, and for suggesting the trip to the outlets. Thank you for the time we had to talk about so many things in our lives and our marraiges and for sharing things that we didn't think were important before but became important to share this weekend. Thank you for laughter!
Thank you to my daughter for her thoughtfulness in taking care of my vehicle and for being pleasant and enjoyable on our adventure!