Sunday, January 06, 2013
A recent conversation with my DGC:
"Grandma, those are jeans for the homeless." (regarding jeans I was currently wearing).
"These are almost brand new and they are expensive ones too."
"Well, then the homeless will have brand new expensive jeans."
In my defense: We were quading for goodess sake. I knew it would be dusty, play clothes activity. I have few jeans that "fit" me now. Besides.....
these jeans were leftover in the RV. It felt good how big they were on me. They spoke volumes about how much I had lost...plus the focus on how well I had done helped me not focus on how I was currently eating...
So when I got home I noticed that the jeans that were available for around the house were large on me. Several pairs. I had to search for the jeans that "fit." Of course I want to keep my "good" jeans in nice shape - which means I wear the "too big jeans" almost all the time. But I noticed something else. The big jeans don't get tight. Neither do the stretchy jeans (I discovered this finding out the same pair of jeans can accommodate a gain of 20+ pounds). Pulling out the pair of jeans that "fit," I noticed they were a tad tight on the hips. I wasn't surprised with the "holiday" eating I have been doing. But it got me to thinking. My original goal at the start of this journey was to stop the yoyoing that had been most of my life. When I was younger, five pounds gain was too much to go much further. Later on, ten pounds was the absolute halt point. Somehow it grew to 25 lbs up and down and the last time when the scale hit 30 gain, I finally confronted the issue of yoyoing. Surprisingly, I never saw the problem clearly - yoyoing was the main issue. I always thought it was the latest gain (and of course as I grew older, I threw in age, perimenopause, stress, and whoever, whatever else I could blame). What if all along the culprit had been my thinking. The same thinking that allowed for the first 5 lb gain but not the 6 lbs? The same thinking that keeps me from packing up these many pair of jeans to give to the homeless. What am I committed to? Is it to only experience a certain number within going up and down? Or is it to have a whole different way of thinking which encompasses a whole different way of living? Perhaps it is time to look at my big goal which was to not yoyo like I had my whole life. Do I want my goal to be to have a healthy physical body (which then results in yoyoing no longer being my experience)? Will I commit to this (with actions such as giving away those jeans)? What is it I truly want? Am I willing to do what it takes to make this happen?