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    JOYFULJUDYLYNN   19,203
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WHY I am doing this

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Sunday, January 06, 2013

"I am not trying to be a super model".

I have said this so many times lately. In response to people's questions about my weight loss goals. In response to my physician's inquiry about why I want my excess skin removed from my tummy area.

Nope. I'm not trying to be a super model. It was never in the cards, and never a part of my aspirations.

11 years ago, this was me:

Behind that smile was more self loathing and hatred than any one person should ever tolerate. That girl prayed at night that she would die. That girl was miserable. That girl had ALMOST given up. ALMOST.

'Almost' has to be one of the most important words in the English language. It expresses the difference between what is/was and what COULD have been. That girl ALMOST ate herself to death. That girl ALMOST allowed her weight and food addiction to keep her from every good thing life has to offer. ALMOST.

But she didn't.

So why do I do this? I am doing this because I fought my way out of that place for a reason. I fought my way to this place:

There is no self-loathing behind that smile. There is joy. My life has so much meaning, so much joy. Blessings that I couldn't have dreamed of 11 years ago. And I know that if I stick to it, it can only get better. I can only get stronger. I can only be a stronger role model for my beautiful, priceless daughter. If I do this, she will grow up saying "I can" rather than "I can't". I do this so that I can be the mom playing on the floor with my girl, rather than the woman who prays to die. I do this so that I can see beyond self-loathing to the beautiful blessings that God has showered on me. I do this to honor the God who created and loves me.

Nope.... being a super model has nothing to do with this. I am doing this for me. And because I NEVER want to go back to that dark, sad, lonely place. I want to live with joy.

And I am. emoticon
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PIXIE-LICIOUS 1/8/2013 3:08PM

    Congratulations! You saved your own life!
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KAYG87 1/8/2013 3:05PM

    This has been the most uplifting and inspiring thing that I have come across all day.Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You are truly a role model. You changed your life and made it something that you could be proud of and by doing that you undoubtedly are providing a better life, future, and memories for your daughter. Thank you so much for sharing with us!

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SUECHRIS50 1/8/2013 3:03PM

    Awesome,Good for you!!Who would think someday Im going to lose alot of weight and believe it?At times when we make it to the top of the mountain and its 50/50 whether we will fall back down or make it all the way over.I too made it but backslid quite a way but am crawling,clawing my way back up!Whatever it takes!Proud of you is an understatement!! emoticon

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MAGGIEROSEBOWL 1/8/2013 3:01PM

    What a wonderful and inspiring blog. I too was guilty of self-loathing. I was humiliated by what I had done to myself and knew I had no one to blame for my extremely unhealthy condition except myself. I used to imagine my funeral, where they were struggling to carry my casket with my massive body inside, truly a dead weight, and everyone was saying things like, "If only she would have lost weight."

Silly, isn't it? But true and sad. As sad as you lying in bed at night wishing you were dead. I don't know that I ever hated myself that much, although once or twice I might have given a fleeting thought to suicide to avoid my problems. Never a serious thought though. I loved life, even as a super morbidly obese woman, and always wanted to do something about my weight. Wanting to do something and actually doing it are two different things of course, and I procrastinated for 30 years before finally making the changes I knew all along that I needed to make to get my life back, to finally feel something other than hate and embarrassment about myself.

Now, I'm never going back to that sad, self-loathing pathetic person I was before. You're doing the best thing you can for yourself and for that beautiful daughter of yours and I am so happy for you! You are proof that WLS is only a tool, you have to be willing to make lifetime changes in order to lose the weight and KEEP IT OFF! And now you are doing just that, with a huge Spark community encouraging you. And you too are encouraging and inspiring all of us. Thank you.

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CRZYMOM04 1/8/2013 2:50PM

    I must say you are amazing, reading your post gives me so much hope I thank you for that so much. What a wonderful Blog.

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BETTER_LUCK 1/8/2013 2:42PM

    The paragraph after the pictures brought tears to my eyes. You are a motivation, and your daughter will appreciate it.

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MISSCAL1 1/8/2013 2:41PM

    What a role model you are for your daughter! You have done amazing and are an inspiration to us all. Well done and keep up the amazing work . emoticon

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MARYHENNIG 1/8/2013 2:35PM

  YOU ARE A SUPER MODEL OF SUCCESS!

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KOOKYKATHIE 1/8/2013 2:00PM

    So glad for you and emoticon for the inspiration.

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ROXIGIRL 1/8/2013 1:56PM

    emoticon

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CTURCOTTE 1/8/2013 1:23PM

    Love to see the pictures of you and your daughter! WTG! It is amazing how little we think of ourselves until we think of other then ourselves. Keep up the strong will to live! You look amazing girl! emoticon

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CATHGREEN8 1/8/2013 1:20PM

    You are a super model in that little girl's eyes! My BIL lost almost 18 pounds of skin, after his gastric bypass... he is so glad he did it, clothes fit much better, too.

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ACITODG 1/8/2013 1:02PM

    Good job! emoticon

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CLOVER2 1/8/2013 12:45PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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VANNEM 1/8/2013 12:34PM

  how wonderful! i just dont know how you did it. i have tried everything. but nothing seems to help. thank you so much for your inspiration. it gives me the strength to move foward!! you rock!!

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OSDOWNS 1/8/2013 12:16PM

    Thank you!

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MARY1ANNE 1/8/2013 12:11PM

  Good job!

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KJELLYBEAN15 1/8/2013 11:44AM

    Wonderful. Thank you.

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JOANIE69 1/8/2013 11:36AM

    emoticon
You are a great inspiration!

emoticon for sharing!



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BAPSANN 1/8/2013 11:34AM

  Thanks and I really liked this post, it helps me see me differently and know that I can do this if I work at it.

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BAPSANN 1/8/2013 11:34AM

  Impressive and I am truly motivated by your story.
Thanks for sharing.

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MANDIETERRIER1 1/8/2013 11:24AM

    You are an inspiration to everyone that wants to change their life

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FAT2GAINHEALTH 1/8/2013 11:23AM

    Lynn
Isn't it amazing what happens to us when we finally get what it is to love and cherish ourselves and the life God has given us!!! Thank you God for all the blessings you have given me!!!!! Keep up the good work. God bless.
Marcia emoticon emoticon

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JANIGURL 1/8/2013 11:17AM

    Beautiful blog, so inspiring in everyway; thank you for posting this !

Jan
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JOSMOM 1/8/2013 11:11AM

  Actually - you are a super model - for everyone who is trying to change something in their life.

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CONNIER64 1/8/2013 11:11AM

    You are emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MCLYMORE 1/8/2013 11:09AM

    Praise God for you; just what I needed today!

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GRATEFUL_BEING 1/8/2013 10:47AM

  emoticon

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STEPPYWOOWOO 1/8/2013 10:26AM

    emoticon

Great job! Great inspiration!

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DOTTIEJANE1 1/8/2013 10:21AM

    Thank you for sharing and reminding us that WE CAN DO THIS . You are beautiful inside and out side. Have a blessed year . emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SHELBYJE 1/8/2013 10:20AM

  OH MY Honey you are a model...what a wonderful model you are....I have just rejoined SparkPeople...I'm thinking to myself I'm to fat and will never lose this weight but you have inspired me to never give up....God Bless you and Keep You and your family....Keep up the good work...


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MSKRIS7 1/8/2013 10:15AM

    I love these success stories

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DIAMONDBLUE24 1/8/2013 10:11AM

    You are awesome. This post made me cry tears of joy - for you AND for me. :)

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BANDMOM2012 1/8/2013 9:56AM

    So inspirational this morning, thank you for the pick me up :)

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HHB4181 1/8/2013 9:52AM

    emoticon
Great blog! You're so amazing!

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CRAZY_DIET_MOM 1/8/2013 9:44AM

    Beautifully beautifully said. Thank you.

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NDIM92974 1/8/2013 8:50AM

    Thank you so much for your blog...it is so beautiful and motivating. Sometimes it is easy to fall into confusion on why we are doing this. Especially when people say "you look great." Thanks for reminding me!! I don't want to be back in that dark place again either.

I love this blog so much!!

Deb emoticon

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PHOENIX1949 1/8/2013 8:40AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon What an inspiration. Thanks for sharing.

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1935MARY 1/8/2013 8:24AM

    This brought tears to my eyes.AWESOME, you look great. MAY God bless you and keep you on the right track. You have a beautiful daughter and you are a beautiful person. You go Mom. emoticon

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FUTURETXNURSE 1/8/2013 8:19AM

    Just what I needed to hear. Thank you for sharing, and congratulations on your hard work, determination, and success. You are truly beautiful inside and out.
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CLAUDEM1 1/8/2013 8:05AM

    Your before and after pics are amazing, Lynn. I know what it is like to feel "self-loathing" with no end in sight. You deserve to be happy and fit. I know that I too will have skin to remove when I reach the summit, but losing all that weight presents choices. Skin weighs something, too. Why carry that extra weight around if you can have it removed? You are amazing!

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KELLIEBEAN 1/8/2013 8:04AM

    It's amazing what you have done for yourself and for your daughter! Continued joy and blessings to you!

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MHALLOCK75 1/8/2013 7:46AM

  I love this... emoticon

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ITSMATT 1/8/2013 7:45AM

    This made me smile.

Thank you for posting this blog.

Very inspirational!

Make it a great day!
Matt

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LOLABLACK69 1/8/2013 7:43AM

    Seriously, one of the most inspiring stories I've ever heard... Way to go! Congratulations! :)

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THEIS58 1/8/2013 7:43AM

    Wonderful

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SWEETNEEY 1/8/2013 7:37AM

    Priceless

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FIRECOM 1/8/2013 7:36AM

    Your blog gave me the warm fuzzies all over. Wonderful story and very well written.

Thank you.
'
Frank

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LANDWALKER 1/8/2013 7:35AM

    i cannot think of a better reason..thank you for the inpsiration! emoticon

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SLIMTHICK2 1/8/2013 7:02AM

   
Wow you are truly an inspiration. All the best for the New Year. emoticon

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