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Me, Myself and I - Change.

Sunday, January 06, 2013

The girl I used to be:
Quiet, conforming, pleasing (doormat), broken, worthless, depressed, pessimist, stuck, crazy, overweight.

The Girl I became:
Open, Independent, Healing, Optimist, Moving slowly, Medicated, Obese, Sassy, Motivated, Determined

The girl I am NOW:
Wandering, independent, healing, binger, questioning, quasi-motivated, obese, ashamed, unattractive, lost.

Surprisingly, it was easier to describe myself as "The Girl I Became" than the other two. And notice most of those were positive traits. I find this interesting. I think I liked myself best during those days. I wasn't happy all the time, but I was working on myself, I was exercising, setting and meeting goals. I feel like then I could have been Motivator of the Day and it would of meant something. Receiving it today is an honor, but I somewhat feel like an impostor. Like I don't deserve the honor because I'm no longer motivating.

I do feel like I can no longer be that girl, the "girl I became." Not because I do not possess those qualities or think I can't find them within me again. I am just a different person now. The experiences of my life, especially in the last year, have made me different.

The saying "You can never go home again," is true to some degree. I feel like my "home" was the girl I became. I felt my best when I was her. But I can't go back to being that girl because I've had experiences in my life that she never had. I learned what it was like to be betrayed, to have my heart broken, to be regarded as a complete non-entity. I know what it feels like to have so-called-friends put their jobs before our friendship, to consider my feelings as less important than their place of employment. I know what its like to have a guy tell you his life is better off without you. I've seen the world of addictions, gangs, crimes, violence, mental illness, real hopelessness. I've seen that world, watched people crawl away from it and sometimes get sucked right back in. I've spent time with the homeless, and worried for them because the temps are below freezing and I don't know how to help them. I found my life's purpose only to have someone knock it right out from under me.

All of that, and so much more, has changed me in ways I haven't even begun to look at. I can't go back to being that girl because she no longer exists. She is me now and I am...I don't know. I guess that's what I have to find - Who I am.

I don't even know what that journey looks like; or where it begins.

More soul searching to come......

Warrior On!

P.S. I challenge you to think of 10 words to describe yourself:
1.) Before you got to Spark,
2.) After you've been on Spark awhile
3.) you right NOW.

Have you changed? Post it below, I'd love to see!!!

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
BEESPARKLE 1/13/2013 10:55AM

    Your not alone .It happens we slip and slide but when you come back like I have now a week. Something good is going to happen.

So your on my friends list. So I came over.

To say hi. emoticon

lets rock on to a good year. emoticon

Comment edited on: 1/13/2013 10:57:26 AM

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ELLEJAY7 1/9/2013 12:27PM

    You are still that girl - motivating me! Warrior on! emoticon

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BRIARANDROSE 1/6/2013 7:20PM

    You are motivational, even if you don't realize it right now. You're feeling lost and unsure, but it sounds like you've been through a lot of life-changing stuff recently, so it's totally natural to feel the way you are.

But I look at you and see someone who refuses to give up. I have an eating disorder too, and believe me I know how exhausting it is, and how hard it is to keep going, to keep working when it feels like you're never going to be able to drag yourself another step. It's a constant struggle, and yet here you are ready to take another bash at it.

That IS motivational. I think you're pretty damn great.

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SPUNKYDUCKY 1/6/2013 2:38PM

    I think there is still as sassy girl in there, she just needs some time, healing and a new path. No you never find your way back to the exact place, but you can make it forward to a new place that is equally good.

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