Sunday, January 06, 2013
The girl I used to be:
Quiet, conforming, pleasing (doormat), broken, worthless, depressed, pessimist, stuck, crazy, overweight.
The Girl I became:
Open, Independent, Healing, Optimist, Moving slowly, Medicated, Obese, Sassy, Motivated, Determined
The girl I am NOW:
Wandering, independent, healing, binger, questioning, quasi-motivated, obese, ashamed, unattractive, lost.
Surprisingly, it was easier to describe myself as "The Girl I Became" than the other two. And notice most of those were positive traits. I find this interesting. I think I liked myself best during those days. I wasn't happy all the time, but I was working on myself, I was exercising, setting and meeting goals. I feel like then I could have been Motivator of the Day and it would of meant something. Receiving it today is an honor, but I somewhat feel like an impostor. Like I don't deserve the honor because I'm no longer motivating.
I do feel like I can no longer be that girl, the "girl I became." Not because I do not possess those qualities or think I can't find them within me again. I am just a different person now. The experiences of my life, especially in the last year, have made me different.
The saying "You can never go home again," is true to some degree. I feel like my "home" was the girl I became. I felt my best when I was her. But I can't go back to being that girl because I've had experiences in my life that she never had. I learned what it was like to be betrayed, to have my heart broken, to be regarded as a complete non-entity. I know what it feels like to have so-called-friends put their jobs before our friendship, to consider my feelings as less important than their place of employment. I know what its like to have a guy tell you his life is better off without you. I've seen the world of addictions, gangs, crimes, violence, mental illness, real hopelessness. I've seen that world, watched people crawl away from it and sometimes get sucked right back in. I've spent time with the homeless, and worried for them because the temps are below freezing and I don't know how to help them. I found my life's purpose only to have someone knock it right out from under me.
All of that, and so much more, has changed me in ways I haven't even begun to look at. I can't go back to being that girl because she no longer exists. She is me now and I am...I don't know. I guess that's what I have to find - Who I am.
I don't even know what that journey looks like; or where it begins.
More soul searching to come......
P.S. I challenge you to think of 10 words to describe yourself:
1.) Before you got to Spark,
2.) After you've been on Spark awhile
3.) you right NOW.
Have you changed? Post it below, I'd love to see!!!