My difficult ski day and being too hard on myself.
Sunday, January 06, 2013
Yesterday I went cross country skiing up north in The Laurentian mountains to Mont Tremblant where I have been many times over the past 25 years. I have skied on all the trails there from easy to difficult and they have always been tracked. We were told to be back on the bus at 3:45pm and that the bus would be leaving at 4pm.
I had decided that I was going to do an intermediate trail which I have been doing the last several times I was there. I had asked some people that I normally ski with what they were doing. They wanted to do a trail that was more difficult and one that I had done on many occasions but not lately. I decided to go with them because I did not want to ski alone and felt that I would be able to handle it especially if they could but that I might be a bit slower than them.
When we started out, however, we discovered that the trails had not been tracked which made it more difficult and challenging to ski. When we arrived at that trail we decided to go on not knowing what to expect. At that point I should have turned around but I decided not to be alone and I felt that although it would be difficult I would get through it.
What ended up happening is that we started climbing up and it just went on forever. It turned into 2 hours of climbing on untracked trails and I thought it would never end. I pressed on since I had no choice but kept stopping to rest. I got more and more tired. The people I was with were kind enough to wait for me as I had fallen behind many times along the way.
Finally we got to a junction and we decided on taking the shorter route down. It was all downhill which I could normally do but because I was so tired and my muscles were exhausted I went slow and had to sidestep at times. I fell a few times and had a tough time getting myself up. After a half hour it finally ended and we were back on the flat part. At that point I just started to cry and the man I was with comforted me. I got to a hut and started crying again and everyone there looked after me and made sure I was well fed and dry. Also finding out that there was still 2.5 km to get back to the center did not help at all or make things better but I had no choice but to keep going.
On the last part one woman stayed with me and tried to keep up the pace. However, she kept saying things like, "come on, don't stop, I don't want to be here all night, bend your knees, I told you to stay in that trail" and as I was feeling bad to begin with I just felt worse. At one point I got really mad at her and told her not to say those things that she was making me feel worse. But she kept on and I did try to listen to her and bend my knees. Finally when we got back she admitted that she was trying to push me and that she did not want me feeling sorry for myself and that she had been through a similar situation in the Alps where the guide had come down hard on her. I admitted to getting mad at her and then we just talked it out and I felt better.
We arrived at the bus at 3:57 with 2 minutes to spare. I was technically late since we were supposed to be on the bus at 3:45 but the bus was not leaving until 4pm so I was not totally late. However, the woman leading the bus said "You are late, you were supposed to be back at 3:45 and not 4pm". I said to her, "okay, I'm back" in a frustrated tone but then she helped me get my skis back in the bag and told me where to leave them. She was under stress too so sometimes people say things in that situation.
I am thankful to everyone who was kind enough to wait for me and make sure I was fine. At the end the two who had waited for me had binding problems and had to warm them up and they came back later as a result.
I have been too hard on myself and am blaming myself for what happened. I feel that I made a poor decision and should have turned back and this caused problems for others. I still feel badly about it and cried when my boyfriend called this morning. But I told him what happened and he said I should not be hard on myself and feel bad. My mother told me to put it behind me and that at least I did not injure myself and came back in one piece. I am working to put this behind me but it will take time. I hate when I when I get myself into these types of situations which causes problems for myself and for others.
On the other hand I am doing my best to learn from this. I see that I cannot do what I was able to do 20 years ago. I will stay on the intermediate trails and avoid doing the more difficult ones. I am also not in the best shape that I could be in but am working on that. I see that I need to think twice before I tackle anything that could prove to be difficult. I need to realize that I am out there to have a good time and not to prove anything.
At least this is one trip and there will be many more trips over the next couple of months. I need to put this behind me and move on and enjoy the rest of the winter season. I will do my best to get over this and not be too hard on myself which is easier said than done. I hope that writing this blog will be helpful and enable me to put this situation behind me and move on.