Sunday, January 06, 2013
A huge turning point in my life came when I was a freshman in college. I was walking across campus, with my usually self-hating script running in my head, when I suddenly thought, "(several friends names from high school) love me. There HAS to be something in me to love!" I honestly couldn't imagine what they could love about me. For years I wouldn't touch anyone or hug anyone outside of family, because I hated myself so much that I felt like I would somehow contaminate them by touching them. I want to cry when I think of that teenager. And I really wasn't very overweight at all. But the actual weight really doesn't matter, does it? It's all about how we see ourselves.
Back to that walk across campus... They saw something in me, even though I couldn't. I clung to that thought for a long time - until I could start loving myself too. If they saw something to love, I forced myself to take on faith that there was something there TO love. And finally, little by little, I started believing it for myself.
Years later I finally really heard the second part of the commandment to 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' Oh! I am SUPPOSED to love myself!! God loves me, and He doesn't make mistakes. To hate myself is to hate part of His creation. Wow.
It's still a struggle. For the last couple of years, I fell WAY off the healthy bandwagon, stopped moving, and went back to eating all the crap that poisons my body and my soul. I regained all the weight I had lost. I lost all the energy I had gained. It's tempting to succumb to what I label the 'demons' - those nasty little voices that still try to lurk in my head, trying to convince me that of the absurd notion that somehow self-worth is tied to the size of my body.
But I refuse to go there. I have an amazing life. A wonderful husband, two fabulous little boys, parents and a sister I adore, a home-based Tastefully Simple business I love, enough income to pay the bills and slowly start building a little savings. I got off track with taking care of the physical me...but it such a minuscule part of who I am. Little by little, I'm working my way back to getting back on track. But I will not let it define me.
I am a beloved child of God, with whom He is well pleased. And so are you.
Life is good!