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    KARISMATIC1   2,083
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Returning to SP after the hiatus


Sunday, January 06, 2013

Sooooo... well Happy New Year SP! I know I've been ghost for *quite* some time. I feel rather disappointed and ashamed in the lack of commitment and progress during this time..I could have lost the weight by now!! Well, to update the last year or so. I'm in my 2nd year of grad school now, I have been taking care of my family during their respective illnesses ( which can be overwhelming at times while also being a FT grad. student), my thyroid is all the way turnt up ( in a bad way :s) which means 2 new meds to try to get it working again (metabolism is super low-low). I gained weight..lots of weight (I'm so sad to update the weight I had originally on there ( the amount I lost 11 lbs at that time to a whopping new number..I'm the biggest that I have *ever* been and I *refuse* to get any bigger!!!)..my Drs realize that much of it is lots of fuid retention due to the severe Hoshimoto's thyrioditis ( it's not only attacking my thyriod but my skin too..hives, rashes occur so randomly now..argh!). I acknowledge that I've developed really horrible sleeping habits, don't work out much anymore, if at all and I eat really late and sporadically. Crap habits, but those are fixable! I also have been feeling really, really , *really* isolated from consistent friendship and support- it's just been school, internship, research, dealing with family matters and rinse and repeat. So I'm really feeling anxious, depressed, alone and just struggling right now. Also, I'm now in my late 20's (:s) ..lol..still not ready to accept that, because I feel like I have not accomplished what I hoped I would by this age and that I'm trying to catch up. Most of my friends that I hang out with when I visit the city (where we all went to undergrad together, I moved away for grad. school) during the few breaks we have-- they are married, engaged or in super long-term committed relationships-- I'm the South Asian single girl in grad school ( they are all American, so some cultural differences there too--its very Mindy Project-esque). I feel really self conscious and insecure right now-- ( awkward is my middle name), I joke that I'm like Dr. Elliot Reid from Scrubs..lol! I do have friends, associates, sorority sisters, but I want consistent, supportive best friends( I reach out but I guess more persistent effort?) and a healthy, quality, solid relationship with a quality, well educated, compassionate, witty, awesome man- people I can trust and not feel concerned if they are manipulating me, purposely excluding me or talking about me. I'm finally developing more personal strength by being assertive when I can. I know I have a way to go. I know that this has clearly become venting, in which whomever else reads this may not get what I'm saying and that I'm whining and sounding younger than my age, but I feel like I am stuck in a younger aged rut due to these insecurities and still being in pursuit of my higher education. I feel like its now or never with my health and having a somewhat decent 20s before 30 comes knocking. I just want to be happy and happiness takes a lot of hard work, so I just need support and some people here who will help me be accountable. It's been too many years of attempts and I can't anymore, seriously I know I said it before in an old post, but I can't..I'm in my late 20's, career, finding a husband, making myself in who I want to be and at peace with myself..it has to happen now or it never will, so I owe it to myself to try. I deserve good health, a happy heart and a peaceful mind. I just kinda have to remind myself that. Well, I'm clearly rambling... so yah, whomever you are reading this, if you can handle a lil nuerotic, but nice and supportive person as your spark buddy or one of your spark buddy crew--I'd appreciate it. A LOT. I want to feel ok in my skin, happy and healthy and that means I have work to do. That's the 1st step, right? Acknowledging it? Train hard, eat clean 2013!
Best wishes to you all out there -k
ps: Please forgive the typos/grammar, it's late and I'm emotionally spent right now.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
MIRFA71 1/8/2013 1:10PM

    Its good that you are back. Take one step at a time. No need to hurry or rush. Just focus on one goal at a time. You can do it. We all at SP are with you. Good luck. emoticon emoticon GIRL.

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JYOTI68 1/8/2013 5:36AM

    Karishma,

You are a very beautiful, hardworking, caring and smart young girl. I know your pain and know how you feel. I have been there. I am 45 now but I married when I was in my late 20's. Never thought I would be able to marry. Coming from traditional Indian families we do not easily fall into dating. You have focused on your education which is really the best thing. Falling in love and marriage and kids will happen when its meant to be..

I know how you feel about your weight issues too. I have been there and for the last 2 yrs I felt very depressed and down over my miserable life and the more I thought about loosing weight, the more lbs I kept on packing. I gained 30 lbs in last 2 yrs and get ashamed to even post my weight on SP that what people will say. But beginning this year I feel a lot better. I guess some of my situations have changed and I have little bit more time than I had before. So far, I took care of every obligation in my life but me. and now I have to focus on me little bit too.

I would so want to help you get through this. I would say one thing that with all my crying and complaining, I never left hope. After few days, I tried again and again even after failing again and again. I thought in my silent moments what I need to do to get better. where in my busy day can I find some time to exercise. In order to loose weight, I have to exercise and eat well. But I find no time to exercise and no time to prepare better meals. SO I have made a promise to myself that its going to happen this year. I am going to try every day. If I miss a day no problems... I will pick it up the next day.
I can't tell what you should do as no one can be in your shoes. But I could only be an emotional support and I will just say that take one day at a time. Like the others commented. I am doing the same thing. The good days never stayed, so the bad days will pass too. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Don't give up. You will find strength to do all the things you want as long as you do not give up on hope. You will loose weight the way you want to and will meet a person who you would love. God always have someone for everyone.

I sooo want to hug you so you can feel better. Please don't feel alone.

Come join us on the January exercise log so you can get motivated and or motivate others.

I wish you all the luck.

emoticon emoticon

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HORSESHOEHONEY 1/7/2013 5:37PM

    So glad to have you back! Good Luck!!

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MILLERISHEALTHY 1/6/2013 8:18PM

    It's obvious to me that you're a hard worker (FT grad student, taking care of family even w/health problems of your own). I can tell you have a lot to offer the world and others.

I agree with one of the other comments, " Smile at all the other grad students, and you will be surprised at how many friends you will have." I have found that smiling at others and asking them how they're doing makes a world of difference. It comes hard for me because of social anxiety, but it really does help.

My daughter is 21 and an undergraduate. She's never had a boyfriend, although she'd like to have one. She's very shy, has social anxiety, and wants to get to know someone before dating them (like maybe working with them first). She worries that she's never done anything with her life except study and make straight A's. She worries that she'll never meet the right man and get married or have a family. I worry about that sometimes, too, but then I remember that most young people these days get married and have children at an older age than my generation.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have focused on your education, which is a wonderful accomplishment and something you will always be grateful that you did - it will positively impact the rest of your life and is something no one can ever take from you. You've also helped your family and are now trying to get your health on an even keel. I think you've made some wise investments in your future and I feel that you'll meet that special someone when the time is right.

Take care of yourself and keep in touch. I find that I get of lots of support and encouragement from fellow team members, and I enjoy encouraging them in return. It helps me feel less alone and more connected to others in a meaningful way.

Blessings,

Miller :D

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KARISMATIC1 1/6/2013 5:19PM

    Thank you all so much for reading my post and supporting me. I wish you all well in your respective journeys too!

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DDOORN 1/6/2013 11:32AM

    What is it about the helping professions and huge pitfall of "caretaking" that can cause us folks to forget about being caretakers of our OWN selves...? Been there, done that, continue to struggle against it too!

Remember: you do your family NO FAVORS by shortchanging yourself and neglecting your needs. It may seem selfish, but putting yourself at the front of the line as #1 priority results in a healthier, happier self who has all the more energy and reserves and can "be there" for your family and loved ones even BETTER as a result!

You can DO IT!!! :-)

Don

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SNOWJESTER 1/6/2013 10:54AM

    I'm in my late 20s too. Times are getting rough, lol. People younger than me are getting engaged. I don't even want to get married and it still annoys me! Oh we,, one day at a time. I'm glad your back on spark. There's this quote that goes something like, "A year from now you'll have wished you started today." So start today! You know what your bad habits are so fix em. Let's make our late 20s awesome! emoticon

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KAYYVAUGHN 1/6/2013 5:54AM

    My advice is to take it one day at the time. Smile at all the other grad students, and you will be surprised at how many friends you will have.
Also, try to stay in motion as much as possible. March in place and take side steps. Every movement helps.
Good luck be a caregiver. It's not easy.

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THE_SHAKESHAFT 1/6/2013 4:58AM

    Good luck!!

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