Sunday, January 06, 2013
Sooooo... well Happy New Year SP! I know I've been ghost for *quite* some time. I feel rather disappointed and ashamed in the lack of commitment and progress during this time..I could have lost the weight by now!! Well, to update the last year or so. I'm in my 2nd year of grad school now, I have been taking care of my family during their respective illnesses ( which can be overwhelming at times while also being a FT grad. student), my thyroid is all the way turnt up ( in a bad way :s) which means 2 new meds to try to get it working again (metabolism is super low-low). I gained weight..lots of weight (I'm so sad to update the weight I had originally on there ( the amount I lost 11 lbs at that time to a whopping new number..I'm the biggest that I have *ever* been and I *refuse* to get any bigger!!!)..my Drs realize that much of it is lots of fuid retention due to the severe Hoshimoto's thyrioditis ( it's not only attacking my thyriod but my skin too..hives, rashes occur so randomly now..argh!). I acknowledge that I've developed really horrible sleeping habits, don't work out much anymore, if at all and I eat really late and sporadically. Crap habits, but those are fixable! I also have been feeling really, really , *really* isolated from consistent friendship and support- it's just been school, internship, research, dealing with family matters and rinse and repeat. So I'm really feeling anxious, depressed, alone and just struggling right now. Also, I'm now in my late 20's (:s) ..lol..still not ready to accept that, because I feel like I have not accomplished what I hoped I would by this age and that I'm trying to catch up. Most of my friends that I hang out with when I visit the city (where we all went to undergrad together, I moved away for grad. school) during the few breaks we have-- they are married, engaged or in super long-term committed relationships-- I'm the South Asian single girl in grad school ( they are all American, so some cultural differences there too--its very Mindy Project-esque). I feel really self conscious and insecure right now-- ( awkward is my middle name), I joke that I'm like Dr. Elliot Reid from Scrubs..lol! I do have friends, associates, sorority sisters, but I want consistent, supportive best friends( I reach out but I guess more persistent effort?) and a healthy, quality, solid relationship with a quality, well educated, compassionate, witty, awesome man- people I can trust and not feel concerned if they are manipulating me, purposely excluding me or talking about me. I'm finally developing more personal strength by being assertive when I can. I know I have a way to go. I know that this has clearly become venting, in which whomever else reads this may not get what I'm saying and that I'm whining and sounding younger than my age, but I feel like I am stuck in a younger aged rut due to these insecurities and still being in pursuit of my higher education. I feel like its now or never with my health and having a somewhat decent 20s before 30 comes knocking. I just want to be happy and happiness takes a lot of hard work, so I just need support and some people here who will help me be accountable. It's been too many years of attempts and I can't anymore, seriously I know I said it before in an old post, but I can't..I'm in my late 20's, career, finding a husband, making myself in who I want to be and at peace with myself..it has to happen now or it never will, so I owe it to myself to try. I deserve good health, a happy heart and a peaceful mind. I just kinda have to remind myself that. Well, I'm clearly rambling... so yah, whomever you are reading this, if you can handle a lil nuerotic, but nice and supportive person as your spark buddy or one of your spark buddy crew--I'd appreciate it. A LOT. I want to feel ok in my skin, happy and healthy and that means I have work to do. That's the 1st step, right? Acknowledging it? Train hard, eat clean 2013!
Best wishes to you all out there -k
ps: Please forgive the typos/grammar, it's late and I'm emotionally spent right now.