Saturday, January 05, 2013
I am back: Back on Spark, back from visiting family, back from avoiding dealing with my emotions, and back settled into my apartment, ready to make some progress and reverse some of the holiday gain that I know I have experienced over the last few days.
I got glutened, which made me puff up like a balloon, so I know some of this gain is water weight, so I am going to try to not be judgmental about the number on the scale. My guess is that 3-5 lb is real gain, because I had a few really bad eating days, but I can deal with that, and it will be fine. I'm really relieved to be away from the stressors that send me over that edge for a good, long while!
Anyway... I have realized a lot about myself over the past few weeks. More than ever, I recognize that my overeating is an anxiety thing; when i am in a good headspace and am fully feeling and expressing my emotions, eating is natural and losing weight is easy... but, when I am repressing/avoiding emotions and letting the anxiety rule my life, binge eating sneaks in and sabotages everything. This is a pattern that I recognize, and I need to work on finding more outlets for my creativity (such as my art, music, and singing -- long neglected but essential for me). I am done letting anxiety rule -- it doesn't matter whether the stuff I create is total garbage or complete masterpieces, as long as I am expressing it and letting it flow naturally through me. A bird sings, and I create... not because I am the best ever, not because I have some kind of answers about the universe that haven't been said before, not for anyone else's sake, but for myself.
And now, it is time to get back into a groove. I miss running. I want to strength train twice a week once again. I need a certain time of day that I can devote to working out, and I need to treat it like a job and plan for it and do it whether I feel like it or not. I need to bring some order and planning back into this chaotic life. Only, I recognize in retrospect that I was perhaps pushing it too far in the past, and it felt like punishment and it was a source of anxiety for me... well, screw that. I want to treat my exercise regimin as a fun outlet, as play and not work. I need to remember how good it makes me feel and how valuable it is for my life, and I need to ALLOW myself to have FUN, and not just be all about results :) Also, there is a place for chaos in my schedule now (the weekends!). Even the most orderly life needs a bit of chaos and unexpected adventures (without feeling guilty for missing a workout etc).
So, with this renewed commitment to myself and my holistic health, and with my new mindset, I am setting up a schedule, but allowing myself some flexibility as well...
Plan for the next 12 weeks:
Mon: C25k Walk/Run
Tue: Strength Training / cross-training
Wed: C25k Walk/Run
Thu: Strength Training / cross-training
Fri: C25k Walk/Run
I am going to start a 10 min morning fitness streak -- it doesn't matter what it is, as long as I do something every morning to start my day well.
I'm going to take it easy on the cross training... it might just be walking, or a bit of the rowing machine or swimming, but it will be gentle. I will not to push myself so hard that i cannot recover between runs. Also, I won't let my heart rate go past 90% during my runs.. I definitely do not need to overtrain. Nice and slow. No fun, no run.
Nutrition: I feel like my diet is pretty good. I will track my calories as always.. but my main focus needs to be only eating when hungry and stopping when satisfied (not full). No foods are off limits (except gluten!). Mindfulness will allow me to reach these goals.
Other goals: I want to keep up my stretching, meditation, yoga, my art and music, and everything that makes me feel good and whole as a person. I want to work on my self-esteem. I want to focus on my happiness, and on fully experiencing and dealing with my emotions, and letting go / forgiving others. I want to work on my compulsive shopping habit and get my budget under control. I want to try a Tai Chi class at my gym. I want to not "sweat the small stuff," and to accept imperfection in myself and others. I want to work towards being more social.
So, I am back. I have a plan, and I am going to stick to it... and enjoy it :)