Friday, January 04, 2013
I am having an emotional moment right now. I can't pinpoint the exact cause. I feel a bit angry, a bit annoyed, a lot overwhelmed, a little intimidated, worried, and sad. I remember last time around I got overwhelmed and irrational angry a couple times but I don't remember getting emotional like this except for when I finished jogging 30 minutes. I have been doing well with my workouts this month and keeping track of my nutrition staying within my calories and the last couple days were very easy. Greg has been complaining he is at his highest weight and when he found out about my new weight loss goal he was very adamant that he wanted to be a part of it this time. I know he worries a lot about getting older and wants to be healthier. The problem is he the last 10 years the hasn't been very good with motivation or self control. I know that must be a personal struggle for him. Lord knows I have a few of my own including that one. I am controlling and monitoring myself in minute details right now. I've got charts and calendars, timelines, goals, restrictions, and I am armed with all the tools I could need here at Spark. I have to keep a tight reign on myself because I am wary to slip up or slack this time around. So far Greg hasn't wanted to do any workouts with me. He claimed once he was feeling sick, his throat was sore, or he was tired. Today he came home and saw me working out and announced he was absolutely stuffed or he would join me. I asked why he would want to stuff himself and he just shrugged. He had eaten some kind of junky fast food. I had suspected for a while that this is the majority of what their lunches consist of. Suddenly I felt bitter and angry. There was an inexplicable feeling pounding along with the beat of my heart. I couldn't help but feel let down, "he's gonna let me struggle through this by myself again. It won't be any easier than last time because he's not going to be doing this with me". I feel so awful for even having that feeling. I feel selfish and mean. It's his choice and whatever choice he makes, as long as he is happy. I want him to be healthy too but that should never be forced on anyone. I wouldn't want it forced on me. He is very very supportive and amazing in every way. I only hope I give him as much love and support as he shares with me. Thankfully I quickly realized I was bitter and annoyed with myself. I have to struggle. For now, this is my path. I am at the bottom of the mountain and as much as I want to be on the top, I have to hoof it up there. Every sticking inch. I cried for a moment. Overwhelmed. But the reality is I should be using that anger not to feel sorry for myself or feel depressed about what choices I made in life to have me end up at the bottom of this mountain. I need to use this, harness every piece of my humanity to dig my heels in and keep climbing. Every time I stop, look back, or take focus away from my own journey just takes me that much longer to get there.