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    BOREDIMSO   3,513
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inner stuggles


Friday, January 04, 2013

I am having an emotional moment right now. I can't pinpoint the exact cause. I feel a bit angry, a bit annoyed, a lot overwhelmed, a little intimidated, worried, and sad. I remember last time around I got overwhelmed and irrational angry a couple times but I don't remember getting emotional like this except for when I finished jogging 30 minutes. I have been doing well with my workouts this month and keeping track of my nutrition staying within my calories and the last couple days were very easy. Greg has been complaining he is at his highest weight and when he found out about my new weight loss goal he was very adamant that he wanted to be a part of it this time. I know he worries a lot about getting older and wants to be healthier. The problem is he the last 10 years the hasn't been very good with motivation or self control. I know that must be a personal struggle for him. Lord knows I have a few of my own including that one. I am controlling and monitoring myself in minute details right now. I've got charts and calendars, timelines, goals, restrictions, and I am armed with all the tools I could need here at Spark. I have to keep a tight reign on myself because I am wary to slip up or slack this time around. So far Greg hasn't wanted to do any workouts with me. He claimed once he was feeling sick, his throat was sore, or he was tired. Today he came home and saw me working out and announced he was absolutely stuffed or he would join me. I asked why he would want to stuff himself and he just shrugged. He had eaten some kind of junky fast food. I had suspected for a while that this is the majority of what their lunches consist of. Suddenly I felt bitter and angry. There was an inexplicable feeling pounding along with the beat of my heart. I couldn't help but feel let down, "he's gonna let me struggle through this by myself again. It won't be any easier than last time because he's not going to be doing this with me". I feel so awful for even having that feeling. I feel selfish and mean. It's his choice and whatever choice he makes, as long as he is happy. I want him to be healthy too but that should never be forced on anyone. I wouldn't want it forced on me. He is very very supportive and amazing in every way. I only hope I give him as much love and support as he shares with me. Thankfully I quickly realized I was bitter and annoyed with myself. I have to struggle. For now, this is my path. I am at the bottom of the mountain and as much as I want to be on the top, I have to hoof it up there. Every sticking inch. I cried for a moment. Overwhelmed. But the reality is I should be using that anger not to feel sorry for myself or feel depressed about what choices I made in life to have me end up at the bottom of this mountain. I need to use this, harness every piece of my humanity to dig my heels in and keep climbing. Every time I stop, look back, or take focus away from my own journey just takes me that much longer to get there.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
MAVERICK59 1/5/2013 2:44PM

    I have a mate that has no interest in taking care of his health, and I worry about him having a heart attack. It feels like I am not important enough for him to take care of himself. I feels lonely and very frustrating.
I understand how you feel.
We cannot make this happen for anyone else, we can only hope they will decide to join us.
Please stay focused on yourself, maybe he will come around.
Don't give up the fight for your own health.

Belinda

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REFFIE1 1/5/2013 12:35PM

    Greg has good intentions but I think you have to think of yourself as a separate entity in the weight loss thing. If you pair up with someone else, anyone else when they slack off or let you down then you don't want to continue either. This happened to my friend at work. Before I retired we exercised every lunch hour at the gym across the street. Now, that I am not working she stopped going. Somehow, she made me part of the equation. Sure, it would be nice and healthy for Greg to travel the road with you but really in the end it is you who must do it for herself. Welcome him when he joins you, but don't judge him if he doesn't. It is hard to do this and not everyone can, but I know you can! You are a strong and capable woman. As for the emotional thing. If only I had the answer. Lots of times I feel mad or testy over not very much. It seems I am calm for a long time but once in awhile I will just find myself overwhelmed about something that really isn't all that important. The mind really can play tricks on a person and sometimes you just have to talk yourself down from it all. emoticon

Comment edited on: 1/5/2013 12:36:57 PM

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RISINGBLUESTAR 1/5/2013 9:53AM

    I understand your frustration. I think the thing to remember is that Greg may really want to change but he may not now how to change. There is usually a reason for someone's behavior. Maybe he is coping with some issues and he doesn't have the right tools to handle it in a healthy way. You can want to change all you want but you also have to be ready to change. Hopefully, he will see you making progress and get motivated. Don't be too angry with him right now. Have a little patience and he may come around sooner than you think! ]

Good luck! :)

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LAURAHNTR6 1/4/2013 8:26PM

    Hi Jacqueline, I'm Laura! I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. This can be an emotional journey. I don't think you're being selfish or mean. It's 100% natural to want - and expect - support from your loved one. Support is more than just saying, "Great job, honey" - it's being willing to work out with you (not all the time), it's not eating a bag of your favorite chips while you eat veggies or fruit, it's being willing to go on this journey to a healthy lifestyle with you.

Because you care about Greg, you want him to be healthy - that's not a bad thing. Because of the knowledge you've gained, you know what fast-food, stuffing yourself, not working out can do - nothing good. But you're right - you can't force a healthy lifestyle on anyone and you shouldn't have to. He needs to want it for himself.

As you said, all you can do is keep going and doing what is right for you. Keep up the good work! emoticon

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