Friday, January 04, 2013
So... I used to think that the only eating disorders were to be anorexic or bulimic. Well, I was wrong. My Dr. diagnosed me with an eating disorder Nov. 2012. My therapist urged me to go to a support group. Well, the only support group I could find was Over-eaters Anonymous. It is like AA for people who can not stop eating. I really did not think I was one of "THOSE" people. But I was wrong again! My Dr. sent me to a dietitian. In our first appt. she asked me what percentage of the time I thought about food. My answer was even surprising to me! It was 90% of the time. When I am at work, watching tv, driving, or even working out. I think about how awful and how much I hate food. How if only I was thin people would like me better. People always say "you have such a pretty face" That is the worst thing to tell me!
Today I met with my dietitian and have a plan for eating. Even in the plan for eating it was hard for me to accept it because it has fruit and carbs in it. Am I really supposed to eat carbs and sugary fruit? For me one carb will eventually lead to more carbs. It is a totally slippery slope for me.
My relationship with food is NOT normal... even though it is all I have ever known. To put myself in that "EATING DISORDER" box is very hard. But I think I am almost mastering the first step of accepting that the problem is BIGGER than me and I need a "HIGHER POWER" to help me recover.
One of the steps is making a mends with those I have hurt in my disease. Hard to come up with a list of people as the biggest person I have hurt is myself. As I search for those people I have hurt... I realize that I have hurt my children and my husband the most. I am going to push that step for later when I am ready for it. For today... I am going to focus on the fact that I am going to master step #1. I am proud of myself and know that my God is bigger than this and my GOD can heal me from this disease.