I need to get my priorities sorted - I need to calm mind, help it recover and eat nutritiously! Not starve or berate self for going over cal limit but eat to live! I need to help myself, not feel determined by my weightloss and weight. Sure, I've stopped weighing myself but my expectations on suddenly getting fitter and healthier are unrealistic. I live in the real world. I will go out to meet friends and sometime have a coffee or a healthy meal that ends up being more cals than I realised!
I had a very bad day (lots of minor things going wrong, then realised how little money I had over Xmas and worked myself up in such an anxious state then I ended up crying). I did realise that overcoming my depression is not easy and tried to stay calm and not freak out. That saved my in the afternoon but when speaking to my Mum this evening, I cracked.
What I should be proud of today:
- I am trying to get priorities straight. I need to do an important application and have been neglecting it so concentrated on it for the last few hours and made some headway.
- I did not eat as badly as I realised. Sure I went over my newly imposed 1700 cal limit but I ate good food. I said no to the chocolate cake that my friends offered to share with me. I made the best food choices I could while still trying to eat healthy.
- I decided yesterday that I would go jogging for the first time in months since it is part of my new plan to exercise in small amounts but more consistently. I said I would only have to do 5 minutes but ended up doing 15 minutes non-stop, which I am proud of.
I did not do the strength training session I planned and know I would have done if 2 of my friends were not visiting my city and who I had not seen in a year. I knew that getting out of the house and interacting with people would help me feel a bit happier and defeat my depression. I have a lot of plans I want to implement this year to sort out my mind and body by creating my own happiness project like that Gretchen lady advised in her book, tailoring it to me and my needs. I have so much hope in it but fail to realise that great intentions don't automatically means I've done it. It takes time and I need to remember this.
This sparkpage made me realise that I still have unrealistic expectations regarding my weight and it is something that I need to work on.
Update from my last blog - I wasn't pregnant and don't seem to have suffered from an early menopause which I had convinced myself I was experiencing at the age of 28!
My periods stopped for 3 months. I spoke to my doctor and realising I was quite depressed, I've been put on a SSRI antidepressant. After 2 weeks I had a marked improvement in mood and my period came back! My doctor thinks it was my stress that caused the periods to go away. I have heard that some individuals who eat so little or exercise so much that their periods go but I did not think that was my reason. Just in case, I stopped focusing on dieting as much and ate more (but still healthily mostly) and put exercise on the backburner a bit more, but neither really helped.
It was the antidepressant that truly helped. When my period came back, the doctor assumes it was the extra stress I have had and said 'don't underestimate the minds affect on the body'. It hard to not be stressed when you are very depressed and your periods disappear, making me stressed!
I have been on the antideps for weeks or so now and they definitely do help. It's not to say I have bad days where I end up very anxious or cry about something but I am a LOT better than how I was before. I had suicidal thoughts (even though I doubt I would act on them), had no enjoyment in life and was so unhappy, very tearful and incredibly anxious. I may be on them for 6 months but if it helps me live life without feeling so unhappy, then so be it. I want to sort my mind out and am thinking of many things I can do in my personal happiness project that can help me, like meditating every day, writing my thoughts in a journal and dealing with my issues. I'm positive but need to remember to not do too much since I often find I have very high expectation on myself to achieve things and this can be very damaging to myself. I want to go all guns blazing with the many things I am trying to but need to calm it down I think or I will be taking on too much and start suffering again. I'm doing this to help, so I don't why I make it so difficult sometimes and stressful!
I need to remember that
Update on my update 10 mins after! I decided that I was being silly. My focus should not be on losing weight but getting better. I am not going to deny myself a healthy snack like an apple and nuts or a bowl or muesli with soya milk if it simply goes over my calorie limit. I wanted a bowl of cereal and just decided to have. I normally measure everything to each miniscule part but did not bother. It's a bowl of mixed granola and muesli. It won't kill me. Freakly out, being obessed and mentally beat myself will though. I will eat healthily but to maintain my current healthy weight. Once I'm doing fine on 2000 calories and could lower to a bit less, than I will. But not now. Not when I am starting a new regime on trying to beat my depression. Not when I have 1 week left to do my educational psychology funded training application, which is very important and will set me in career-wise for the next 5 years with 3 years training and the required 2 years working that is done in the same area straight after. I need to ENJOY life and actually LIVE. I can only do some much and my sanity and health is the most impact. Not weighing 9 and half stone (133 lbs). I've stopped weighing myself because I don't want a number to define my worth but estimate I'm around 10 and half stone (147 lbs). It's a hell of a lot better than when I was obese and weighed 15 stone (210 lbs)!
My goals for my personal happiness project will be focusing on peace, love and joy. I want to find peace and calm my mind while increasing positive thoughts and getting rid of negative thinking; I want to care more by volunteering later on when I am ready and start loving myself more by treating myself with care and kindness; and I want to have more joy in life, do fun things and ultimately be happy.