Friday, January 04, 2013
I feel like I dropped off the face of the planet. In all reality, I pretty much have. I have no idea whats going on in my life, the lives of my friends and family, the Sparkian world or the real world. I have been just existing, just getting through it all since Jaunary 2012. That is when I started the final three, grueling months of my Master's Degree. First practicum, then internship. I have learned more negative things about the world than I wanted to. I've been exhausted, slightly abused, fooled, betrayed, broken and so much more. Some days I am wake up surprised I still exist.
The main things:
1.) I met a guy. I fell HARD for him. Said guy broken my heart. Sometimes I think love must be a real special thing to risk a broken heart - the pain is....intense.
2.) I have gained back...oh... I'd say at least 25lbs since the summer. I've fallen back into a binging cycle. I want to kick the cycle, but I know doing it alone is nearly impossible. Hence one of the reasons I am here. It was always easier to manage the BED if I have the support of my sparkians!
3.) I moved out of my house.
4.) I graduated with a Master's degree....well, I quasi-graduated. Its a long, complicated story.
5.) I have lost my way, my self, and my sense of idenity.
The breakup was the beginning of the weight gain. Perhaps one day I'll talk more about this guy. Actually, I think I have in past blogs. Try blogs from July. Anyway, I guess since then I just haven't cared much about anything, including myself. It suprises me. I mean, I know this part of myself well, I spent years being this part of me. I just more vividly remember being strong and happier, and I wish that was where I was at. I guess like everything in life, this is one season and it too shall pass.
You'd think I'd be over the moon excited about moving out of my parents and into my own place (well, 3 roommates). I like it, but I am poor several times over and so life is...hard. Some weeks its a struggle to afford gas...and food.
Adding to my stress is that I have not actually graduated and gotten my diploma due to some drama at my internship... life hasn't been a dream lately.
The truth is, I think I have changed and I am not sure who I am. I am in a period of soul searching. What I do know is that I am not okay binging or gaining weight. Nor am I okay not exersing. Which is why I am back here at Spark, ready to revamp my efforts and get into a groove. Though it will make me more broke, I got a gym membership to 24 hour fitness, which I am pretty stoked about. My eventual goal is running, but I have been out of shape for about a year....so I think I am going to do a lot of walking, elliptical and yoga to get myself into a good place to start running. I dont know how long it will take, life is a marathon, so I am in no rush. I think I am also going to give swimming a go. I dont love swimming, but mostly because I can't swim well. If you drop me in a lake, I'll get to shore, but i will splash like a fool trying to get there. I never swam much as a kid. But I think I want to learn better.
I've also decided to try a new hobby every 3 months. 3 months is an arbatrary number I just came up with, but the point is I want to try new things. What are my interests? Ive been in school so long that I don't know what else I'm good at. Time to learn. Any suggestions???
I have also bought some good food (lots of tuna, its so cheap!) and I plan on eating healthier and just not having junk in the house.
Anyway, i think daily blogging is making a comeback. so, stay tuned....