Thursday, January 03, 2013
Well.. I've not been shy about my anxiety and the depressions that I experience. I believe in my heart I'm struggling with Bipolar and right now I am just waiting to see a therapist for an official diagnosis so that I can begin treatment... in the meantime.. my life can be absolute and pure hell.
I was away from home for 2 weeks... I managed through the first week OK, walked, blogged and sparked and came out with a loss... the second week though.. I was ready to be home.. ready for my routine again and ready to get back to life as I knew it.. well.. second week from home I was not on my medications, was full of anxiety, spent 95% of my time literally hiding under blankets, did not eat, did not exercise and did not blog... I was a wreak.
By Christmas day I had a breakdown, wine was served with dinner and I deliberately drank a bottle and some to myself so that I would forget my pain and anxiety and "be part of the family" (as my Dad has so eloquently put it); needless to say that did NOT end well. I spent boxing day hungover and very sick; spent the 27th having so much anxiety that I stayed in bed all day. By the 28th I was back out and eating; however, being around my family who yells as a means of communications was too overwhelming and I was having panic attacks.
After being taunted, teased and poked at by my Dad we were ready to go home on the 29th. Longest drive ever, we weren't in the car 15 minutes when my Father told me to shut up; so I panicked, and literally hid under a blanket in the backseat, took a clonazepam and went to sleep for 6/7 hours...
I haven't spoken to my family since Christmas. I don't think I'll ever do something like that again. My Father, who suffers from anxiety and agoraphobia, whom I thought might grasp my fear.. did not. instead he bullied me about it.
Today is the 5th day since I got home... I haven't found myself yet since the emotional trauma suffered over the holidays.. I've been eating my feelings and not exercising. I know if I just walked, I would feel better, but the tension in my back and neck have created a constant headache and I am fuzzy - it is hard to break through this. I have been angry and nasty and hateful towards Tracy, I don't know what I want from her, she doesn't know what to do for me.. so I scream and we fight and she is exhausted and I'm exhausted and we both wish life weren't so hard.