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Coming down from Xmas...

Thursday, January 03, 2013

Well.. I've not been shy about my anxiety and the depressions that I experience. I believe in my heart I'm struggling with Bipolar and right now I am just waiting to see a therapist for an official diagnosis so that I can begin treatment... in the meantime.. my life can be absolute and pure hell.

I was away from home for 2 weeks... I managed through the first week OK, walked, blogged and sparked and came out with a loss... the second week though.. I was ready to be home.. ready for my routine again and ready to get back to life as I knew it.. well.. second week from home I was not on my medications, was full of anxiety, spent 95% of my time literally hiding under blankets, did not eat, did not exercise and did not blog... I was a wreak.

By Christmas day I had a breakdown, wine was served with dinner and I deliberately drank a bottle and some to myself so that I would forget my pain and anxiety and "be part of the family" (as my Dad has so eloquently put it); needless to say that did NOT end well. I spent boxing day hungover and very sick; spent the 27th having so much anxiety that I stayed in bed all day. By the 28th I was back out and eating; however, being around my family who yells as a means of communications was too overwhelming and I was having panic attacks.

After being taunted, teased and poked at by my Dad we were ready to go home on the 29th. Longest drive ever, we weren't in the car 15 minutes when my Father told me to shut up; so I panicked, and literally hid under a blanket in the backseat, took a clonazepam and went to sleep for 6/7 hours...

I haven't spoken to my family since Christmas. I don't think I'll ever do something like that again. My Father, who suffers from anxiety and agoraphobia, whom I thought might grasp my fear.. did not. instead he bullied me about it.

Today is the 5th day since I got home... I haven't found myself yet since the emotional trauma suffered over the holidays.. I've been eating my feelings and not exercising. I know if I just walked, I would feel better, but the tension in my back and neck have created a constant headache and I am fuzzy - it is hard to break through this. I have been angry and nasty and hateful towards Tracy, I don't know what I want from her, she doesn't know what to do for me.. so I scream and we fight and she is exhausted and I'm exhausted and we both wish life weren't so hard.
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  • KREESE116
    Oh, I am so sorry to hear you had such a hard time over the holidays. emoticon I do, however, understand what you are going through to a degree. My youngest brother is bipolar (since elementary school). At first we all just thought he had ADD or ADHD, but when he became suicidal and homicidal (yes..he threatened to stab his friend with the kitchen knives at 7 yrs old) we had to get therapists to come to the house daily/weekly. They put him on various types of medication (some worked...some made him worse). Thankfully since he hit puberty he has calmed a lot and hasn't had to take medication anymore but he still gets very depressed sometimes so you have to kind of watch him.

    My husband also suffers from severe anxiety and has panic attacks. And I used to have severe social anxiety where I would have panic attacks around large groups of people. I hope that everything goes well with the therapist and that they can help prescribe something that will make you feel better. I hate how it seems like there is a pill that will fix everything, but sometimes you really need it especially with bipolar disorder. I am really sorry that you cannot turn to your family for support. My heart breaks when I hear that. But perhaps they just do not understand exactly what you are going through and do not feel bad about not speaking with them right now. To me, you have every right to feel the way you feel.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need to just vent or anything, feel free to message me! :)

    1753 days ago
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