Thursday, January 03, 2013
Last night I made plans to meet Y. (a woman I met in OA) and L. (an art teacher I met at B. and A.'s party) at the Museum of Fine Arts for drawing. I biked over in the howling wind over icy paths and felt calm and assured, thanks to my higher power! I arrived and started drawing. The model didn't show up, so regular folks were taking turns modeling in their lumpy sweaters, so I chose to draw a statue instead of crowding around the model. L. arrived and was visibly freaking out. (B. had told me that L. reminded him of me!) She also had called me from the entrance freaking out about how to get a ticket, though I assured her that it was free on Wednesdays. She didn't want to draw because the situation wasn't what she had envisioned in her mind. She preferred to walk around and, if something caught her fancy, she would draw. I could intuit her fear, because I used to be so fearful myself. I asked her if she had performance anxiety, and she said she just didn't want to do something she didn't want to do. I was a little disappointed because I had just gotten into my drawing and was getting that awesome quietude inside, and Y. had just shown up and was into it, too. Plus, it had been so long since I'd made it to drawing. Anyway, I told L. that my resolution was to be flexible and be willing to try new things, so I ended up going off with her to the temporary exhibit (which was fantastic), but we never did end up drawing. It was all good, but it made a deep impression on me.
I remembered how often I murmured to myself, "Higher Power, be with me," at my first drawing session at the MFA, to keep the panic from rising in my fearful heart! And it made me realize how far I've come!
This led to a big breakthrough in my 12-step work. I was pondering how when I achieved a perfect body, I got very depressed after the initial thrill because I thought it would fix everything. It was like how I thought getting into Harvard would fix everything, or how I thought a lot of applause and praise at a performance would fix me. It never did. Then I thought of how addicts call their drug of choice a "fix". Wow! I realized that that is the genesis of addiction-- coming from the mindset that you are broken, and that something outside of you will FIX it. It struck me like a thunderbolt. I had never made that connection regarding the word "fix". My addiction is not only to sweets but to the latest dietary restriction-- whatever will "fix" me.
I realized how my body, moods and life events are like the weather, always changing and out of my control, but I know that, like an airplane, if I fly at a high enough altitude, I can rise above the weather. That's how I feel after yoga-- like I am above the weather, no matter how much sugar I have had or how fat I feel. It is bliss. When I achieved my physical peak, it was only temporary, and I was so distraught whenever it fluctuated. But my physical body will never stop changing-- it's like the weather. Now I know not to mistake the weather for the sky. Likewise, I can't get all excited about achieving sugar-abstinence, thinking that it will fix me, because I am not essentially broken. It might improve my health, but that again is changeable weather, and it won't "fix" me.
I feel a tectonic shift in my thinking, and it is blowing me away!