Apart, not a part of it
Thursday, January 03, 2013
Warning! angry rant!
I warned you....
I don't believe so...
Last chance at turning back...
You didn't want it any other way. Here's it:
I broke up with my BF today.
He's perfectly nice. He treats me perfectly gentle. He's (mostly) listened to what I tell him (and vice versa, of course).
He spent four days with the geek squad and didn't even ATTEMPT to find them anything other than utterly ridiculous. He didn't WANT to so much as TRY to fit in.
My family is large, boisterous, hard to understand. There are six languages spoken at all times (I only speak four). We are rambunctious, childish, curious, a puppy pile of grown-ups, teens and children with more topics and areas of interest than fits in a library.
He's rather... German at the most opportune of times. I tried my best to integrate him, tried my best to make his hobbies just as much a part of the geek squad mealtimes as our multitude of interests.
Most of my families are scientists or have a scientific mindset, so naturally discoveries and progress in every one of the sciences is a big topic of conversation. We ALL read some about his interests (mostly history of sports, the Olympics and Paralympics in particular), and we had a few nice discussions involving these things, but he had NO interest and NO will to as much as read a single Nature article and not a shred of knowledge on ANY of the topics we discussed, and it was an embarrassment and an exercise in patience and frustration for me to listen to "I'm bored" being whispered in my ear every. FEW. SECONDS!!!
So, we tried him out on our sports endeavors. There wasn't much we could talk to him about so we took him surfing (not-so-perfect waves, but he was a catastrophe on two legs on a board and offended when we gave him pointers), playing tennis (he was offended because my uncle trashed him), rollerskating (moaning about the "heat"), walking on the beach ("Can't you just stop looking for shells and cuddle?"), billiards (offended because I trashed him) and darts (offended because brothers AND I trashed him). Nothing much there.
We tried to talk to him about music (nothing). About art (nothing). About movies (didn't know our favorites, we didn't know his but while he could wax poetic about HIS we weren't allowed to so much as mention the plot of one of ours before he was bored).
My family DOES have money. His doesn't really. He was constantly shocked/amazed/jealous of the things I grew up with, things that my parents, grandparents, great-grandparents and yes, even myself, worked d@mned hard for. The jealousy was a little hard to take- YOU want to go the professor route. YOU didn't want to face up to the demands of having a high-pressure job. YOU wanted the safety of working for the government instead of having 16-20 hour days. YOU can work on your d@mn degree, YOU can study and make the grade and finish up your J.D.
Just because I'm working like crazy at trying to achieve my dreams (which I've had ever since I gave up on becoming an astronaut) doesn't mean you get to be jealous of me for it!
Oh, and next piece of advice: STOP WHINING AT ME THAT I'M SMARTER THAN YOU! I KNOW I'M F*CKING SMART, IT'S MY THING!!! It's not a reason for you to become a whiny two year-old whose plaything pet has just turned out to have a mind of its own and started biting because you pulled its tail! It's not a lot of fun being a girl and having a brain. It's the main source of most of the bullying I've been through. BF trying to make me feel responsible for something I have no control over, something that has caused me as much grief as it's given me an advantage when I thought I'd finally met someone for whom it was of no greater consequence has thrown me into a funk which had my brothers concerned. Cue not-so-pleasant times for BF.
They utterly destroyed him in every single argument they had forthwith, double-teaming and just undermining his rhetoric until he wasn't capable of even an ad-hominum comment.
In short, it was a catastrophe having him meet the family.
I broke up with him this morning when my (80 year-old!!!) Gran made a wonderful, Continental breakfast for 36 (!!!) people; he shuffled in early (OK, jetlag) to me being non-verbal pre-coffee (holiday mode) and just giving him a kiss while helping Gran bring out the spinach souffle, stuffing his face not waiting for anyone else, giving me a perfunctory kiss and shuffling off for a shower without a single word of thanks to the person who had gotten up at 4:30am to make his having breakfast at this early time possible. WTH? It's OK if you don't fit in right away. It's OK if you snark at me and say I'm strange and say that you neither understand me or my family. It's OK if you attempt to humiliate me and want to have that feeling of power when feeling inadequate (because I'm going to point that out and not take it, and be defended by the gaggle of geeks). It's even OK to say you feel intimidated and don't like them very much.
It's NOT OK NOT TO THANK MY 80 YEAR-OLD GRAN FOR LABORING FOR HOURS JUST SO YOU CAN EAT. You don't have to like someone to respect their work and thank them for it. You don't even have to respect it or them to thank them for it, because just the fact that it was done, for YOU, is enough to deserve thanks from anyone with the slightest modicum of manners.
This was the end of the whole relationship thing- weighed down in the little things, hindered by a lack of willpower.
My parents, wonderful, amazing, beautiful people that they are, are paying for a hotel room for him until he leaves on Saturday. Can't thank them enough.
Oh, and a final word from someone still fuming and angry: DON'T WHINE! I don't really make impulsive decisions, most everything I do is well thought-out and whining at me isn't going to make me change my mind, on the contrary- being a whiny crybaby makes me glad I ditched you.
And I'm not going to miss the creepy staring. Or the constant demands for sex and physical affection and reassurance and confirmation that he's the manliest man, no matter how tired, exhausted, physically incapable I am. Or being treated like a stupid child whenever I make a cultural blunder. Or an overreacting, emotional stupid person when I fly off the handle at the world while hammering on my piano after dealing with a full day of obstacles and obstructive actions.
Being single is glorious. Especially if I'm among the geek squad. Feel free to tell me I didn't deserve him OR his kindness, but fact is: I bent over backward trying to accommodate him, educated myself on his interests and hobbies while he had NO such intentions from the start.
Lesson learned: Next time, insist that guy you're dating knows what the letters MCU mean.