Thought I Wouldn't Ever Be Here Again
Thursday, January 03, 2013
It's a new year, and I plan to start this year off on the right track. I honestly didn't think I would be back at this point again. I started off so well last year. I kept moving forward no matter what, and then in a few short months, it all fell apart on me. See, I got a little bit prideful. Ok....ok....I admit it, I got very prideful. I thought I could beat this on my own. I thought I could let things slide a little and "make it up later." I thought, "I'm not doing so bad. My clothes still fit me, so I must be doing ok."
But there were warning signs. Things weren't going as well as I kept trying to tell myself. I was making choices that weren't wise. I was making excuses to not move. I was lying to myself. "I'll start up again tomorrow." "Next week I'll do better." "I've had to work late so often lately." "It's too hard to try to do this with all the temptations of the holiday season." I said every one of these things at least once in the past couple of months.
Here's the truth - some of my clothes don't fit right now. Clothes that I was just getting into, I now can't button up. I can still wear my "fat clothes" - which are really just clothes that were in my transition - I wasn't quite the smaller size, but my current clothes were starting to look too big on me.
Here's another truth - my stress levels have been through the roof. I knew what I should be doing, but I wasn't doing it, so I would stress that I wasn't doing it. But at the same time I was stressing about how I was going to get everything done if I did do it. And and I would stress about how to eat healthy when I couldn't even be home for more than 1/2 hour at a time and everyone kept bringing in these sweets at work - my biggest downfall?
Here's another truth - I have been feeling sick. My stomach problems are back. My back hurts. My head has been aching. My muscles are sore. It hurts to be me right now. Another health issue has come up - which had not been a problem in more than a year.
Here's another truth - my emotional health has faltered. I feel small. I feel ugly. I feel like a failure. Not all the time, but when I stop to think how I was doing and compare it to where I am at now, all I can ask myself is "Why?"
Why am I doing this to myself again? Why do I do well, and then sabotage myself? Why can I not just keep moving forward? Why do I allow myself to be lazy?
So, here I am again. Writing a blog posting I am ashamed to write, but knowing that admitting my failure is a big step toward getting past my failure. Being honest with myself and others is a step in the right direction. Now I just need to keep making those steps. One step at a time, I will reach my goal - even when it feels like I make 1 step forward and 3 steps back.
Until Next Time,